Half Full

Well. So much for twice a month.

I've been busy, what with the outrage at our numbnuts governor and taking a weekend to drive down to Madison to protest, flying to Vancouver for the International Meeting on Indigenous Childrens Health, flying to Connecticut the following week for a training on a group model of prenatal care, trying to get to a place where I feel competent doing my job, making an attempt to leave the house at 5:45 a couple of times a week to get to the rec center and swim before work (that's been hit or miss--shocking, I know), planning my garden and starting seeds, telling the voice in my head that says I'll be 35 this summer and no way will this next attempt at getting pregnant work to shut the fuck up, thinking about getting started writing again, planning a hopefully-last-hurrah weekend in Minneapolis in May with Em, and spending a lot of quality time with my awesome husband.

Additionally, I haven't felt like I've had much to write about, which is absurd when you consider the preceding paragraph.

One thing I wondered about with my new job is whether it would be difficult for me emotionally to be surrounded by pregnancy and birth and babies. Somewhat surprisingly, it isn't really. Sometimes I get a twinge, but ever since we got our shitty news, almost four years ago, I've tried really really hard not to become bitter and consumed with envy and anger every time I see a pregnant woman. I've had my moments, for sure, but mostly I remind myself over and over (and over and over) that one sentence is not the whole story. In other words, there may be many things in that pregnant woman's life that I would not want, and infertility aside, I think my life is pretty awesome, so the balance (so I tell myself) is in my favor.

All this I'm-cool-with-it equanimity isn't to say that it doesn't hurt and I don't feel sorry for myself. And I know that if I'm never able to get pregnant and give birth to a healthy child, midwifery is out of the question. I'm not completely delusional. But I like working with young, first-time moms. I like watching them realize they can do this, and commit to being healthy and doing all they can for their baby. The rewards far outweigh the envy, at least for now.

New Beginnings, Etc.

I was looking forward to January for several months. I thought, "Oh, January. The deep, cold, heart of winter. It will be the perfect time to relax, hunker down, and stop running around all the time like a damn crazy person." Yeah, not so much. January has been hectic as all hell. This hasn't been an entirely bad thing, but it has not been relaxing in any way, shape, or form.

First off, I am not pregnant. This is okay, for now. In all honesty, the timing ended up not being great for a pregnancy (more on that in a minute) and we're going to give it a few months before trying again. I'm not going to lie, we were a little sad about it, but I think we'll be in a better place later on in the spring. Plus, if I wait a couple of months, I'll qualify for paid maternity leave, an awesome fringe benefit of my wonderful new job.

And thus begins the tale of why January has been so hectic. Last Monday, I started my new job as Maternal-Child Health Nurse at the tribal health clinic where I interned the summer of 2009. This has truly been a dream come true, and I still can't quite believe I got this job. During my internship, the MCH Nurse at the time was my mentor, and I fell in love with the work as well as the community. She was leaving her position that fall, but I had another year of school left. We briefly talked about me applying as a LPN, but it wouldn't really have been workable with school, even if the clinic had been willing to hire a LPN for the position. Someone else, someone with a really great resume and background, got the job, and I told myself I would just have to try to come back once I finished a midwifery program. There generally isn't a lot of turnover for that position, so I figured it wouldn't open up again for quite some time.

My internship mentor and I had become very good friends, and we always talked about how great it would be to work together again someday. She finished up her own school this spring and is now a nurse-midwife, and had gone back to the clinic to head up a new MCH department. I thought and hoped that maybe someday we could work together in a midwifery practice for the tribe. Then she called me at the end of November and said that the MCH Nurse had submitted her resignation. I got my application in as soon as I could, and wrote the most gushing cover letter I have every written. I knew that I didn't have the work experience to wow anyone, but I did have the passion and desire to be doing that work specifically, in that community specifically, and I told them so. I interviewed on January 3rd and was offered the position the next day.

So I've been there a week, and I could not be happier. I still don't have a phone or a computer, but I'm also still orienting, so that's okay. The staff is wonderful and I share an office with my friend, who is also now my supervisor (and I realize that's not always ideal, but we are both talkers with a similar vision for the program, and I am more than aware that she's a brilliant person with a lot of respect in the community and many years of experience doing my job, so I'm happy to take direction from her). It's a 40-minute commute, but I'm not exactly sitting on I-94--my drive to work takes me up the Bayfield peninsula and it's gorgeous. I get to go to trainings and conferences--I'm going to the International Conference on Indigenous Children's Health in Vancouver in March--and meet all kinds of intelligent people doing incredible work. Like I said, I still can't quite believe I got this job.

Several years ago, I went a long time struggling to find any job that I could actually live on, let alone one I actually wanted. I liked my job at the Cancer Center, but it wasn't my dream. If anyone had told me four years ago that I would be in this position, I would have found it hard to believe. I don't know that I'll ever be able to take this for granted now. I hope not.

To Russia, with...curiosity

A quick shout out to my reader(s) in the former Soviet region! Would you mind doing me a solid and telling me who you are and why you're reading this blog? I'm dying to know, especially since it's a direct entry and not via google. How have I been graced with such exotic readership? I thank you in advance and send virtual blinis and fancy European-style kisses your way.

xoxo

P.S. I moderate my comments so it won't show up til I give the okay, just so's you know.

A Periodic Update

It's New Year's Eve. There was once a time when that meant I was going to be out whooping it up and carrying on, but those days appear to be behind me. Tonight I will be hanging out with my husband, along with Shane the dog and Wendy the cat. We will watch movies and eat hamburgers, homemade french fries and salads, share a piece of chocolate tiramisu from the oh-my-god bakery here in town, drink a bottle of champagne, talk about our hopes for what 2011 will bring us (namely, a baby, plus possibly my dream job), maybe play Scrabble, kiss at midnight, and go to bed. A lame, lame New Year's Eve by my mid-twenties standards, but our stamina is not what it once was, and the roads are incredibly shitty tonight anyway.

So I figured I have 893 days left in my project, and maybe I should check in, see how I'm keeping up with the list. Some of it is seasonal, some of it I haven't had a chance to touch. This is the rest of it:

1. Study mythology. Got a few books for Christmas, can't wait to dive in.
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6. Write a novel. I got it started, just need to keep going.
7. Read at least 30 new books. I've done 3 so far, with a stack waiting for me.
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13. Take at least ten pictures a month. November was a little short, but otherwise I've been using my digital camera more, much as I hate it. Still, documentation is good.
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15. Become skilled at IV starts. This has gone really, really well. I'm not expert yet, but I don't often need anyone to take over for me anymore. It's a deeply satisfying thing to successfully start an IV, even more so when the person looks down and says "Oh! I didn't even feel that."
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17. Become a parent. This is the biggie, and we currently have a box sitting in our living room, which contains a canister of liquid nitrogen, within which are two vials of sperm. When the 23-lb box arrived yesterday and I lifted it up to move it to the corner of the room, it occurred to me that it was the same weight as a healthy 9-12 month old. We have everything (well, not EVERYTHING) crossed that this will work.
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19. Buy as much food as possible locally. I've gotten more local produce from the co-op, Bayfield apples at AppleFest, 50 lbs of pork and 30-ish lbs of lamb from my parents' neighbors farm in the freezer, and our milk is always from the local dairy. It feels good to support the small local farms that are doing things right.
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22. Make different kinds of bread once every month. I have tried two different kinds so far. I'm not giving up yet, but it is possible that I may not become a master bread baker.
23. Study Anishinaabe (Ojibwe) spirituality. I'm starting out slow, smudging (which I love, love, love) and putting down tobacco when I pray. I have a lot left to learn.
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25. Enjoy my job as it is, without focusing only on moving on to midwifery. As I mentioned, there's a possibility I could be in my dream job within a month. If it doesn't happen, I think I'll be okay with that. There are parts of my current job that are a struggle, but sometimes I really love it.
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27. Organize my photos and photo albums. Done!
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29. Donate money to 4 different charities. As soon as things are a little more stable, I've got money planned for one of my favorites.
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41. No gossiping for 2 weeks. I don't think I've done this flat out yet, but I do know I'm paying attention to it more and doing it less.
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44. Develop a closer friendship with ---. We've hung out a couple of times and have plans to do more and get our families together too. She's great.
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49. Focus on the patients, not the workplace. I've gotten really attached to a number of our patients, and it makes it easier to do the job well.
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59. Drink tea 5 times a week. We're on a tea kick here in the Extremely Adequate household. The tea from the doulas is especially good and I'm trying to drink lots of it.
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66. Get to know my siblings and their partners better. I've been able to spend more time with my brother and his wife, which is always fun. There are fewer chances with my sister, but they'll be up in a few weeks.
67. Get to know Kevin's brother and his wife better. We all went out for dinner at Christmas. It was interesting and a lot of fun. I hope we do it more.
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69. Learn reiki/healing touch therapy. Taking a workshop next week!
70. Blog at least twice a month. Check. And just under the wire for December!
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73. Replace my non-stick pans with cast iron. 2 down, several more to go.
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80. Go to the Delta Diner. Done, and we shall return. If you ever find yourself between Ashland and Iron River at breakfast or lunch time, go. You won't regret it.
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85. Make it to 10 doula meetings a year. Haven't missed a thing since September. I love being a part of this group so much.
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91. Go to Madison at least once a year. Halloween. It kicked ass.
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97. Send out Christmas cards. Did it! And they were adorable, thanks to Kevin's creativity, and very well received.
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101. Recognize that having a list of goals does not make me an advanced person and refrain from becoming a pain in the ass about this. Fail. I'm a totally superior pain in the ass.

Happy New Year, everyone. Here's to a peaceful, hope-filled, amazing 2011.

Mail Order Family and the American Way

The constitutionality of California's Prop 8 is being argued again in federal court. Charles Cooper, the lawyer for the pro-Prop 8, anti-gay marriage side of the case, is arguing that the point of marriage is procreation, and since the gays can't do that without help, their relationships shouldn't be called marriage. Amidst a treasure trove of similar inanities, Cooper has given us this gem: "The clear reason for marriage is that sexual relationships produce children."

Well.

My husband and I have a sexual relationship that has never, and will never, produce children. It's nice to know that our marriage is purposeless in Mr. Cooper's view.

Our pointless marriage is going on five years now. We have built, and continue to build, a life together, just like our gay friends who are in committed relationships. We have supported each other through unemployment, poverty, career changes, illness, good fortune and bad, and yes, infertility. We are best friends, we hold each other up when things just fucking suck, and in my husband's words, one of us is always the light. But, you know, Chuck's probably right. Without procreation, we're just playing house.

I should say that plans are in the works for a baby, albeit one that will only carry one of our sets of chromosomes. More than three years after we found out that my husband was infertile, we are following the lead of the lesbians and placing an order with the sperm bank. We've chosen a donor based on his exceptionally good family health history and his wordy, funny profile. He wishes to remain anonymous, though he says he may change his mind. If so, it would be up to our child to track him down when she reaches 18, if she so chooses. But make no mistake; this donor will be the father, but he will not be the dad.

Some people think we should adopt instead, some people think we should accept God's will, which is clearly for us to be childless. And some people are so excited for us that they can hardly wait. Some people have told us what great parents we will be, they've prayed for us and made art for us and sent so much love our way that it makes me hopeful and helps give me faith that this will work, that four years after we started trying to have a baby, it will happen for us. We've talked and dreamed about this for so long, and now this first attempt is only weeks away.

And here's the thing. My husband and I, as we are right now, just the two of us, we're a family. Our marriage is not perfect, it is messy and we get pissed off and frustrated and slam doors and stomp up the stairs and bitch at each other and laugh together every single day and have dance parties in the kitchen to Lady Gaga and love one another unconditionally. Our child will join our family, with its imperfections, and he will be his own person, with his own thoughts and feelings and beliefs. But we will introduce him to all of the wonderful family and friends that we are lucky enough to know and love, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Native American, black, white, Asian, Latino, gay and straight, and he will have the extreme good fortune of getting to know all of those awesome people who will welcome and love him.

That may not be Charles Cooper's idea of family values, but I happen to believe that love is greater than fear and bigotry. Otherwise, what's the point?

Stability Is Nice, But I Want Art Too

The snow is here. It's just a couple of inches, and it's been a few days since it snowed, so it looks all used and shitty in that weak hazy sunlight. You know what kind I mean. It's that early winter/late autumn sunlight that makes everywhere look like Gary, Indiana. People complain about the lack of sunlight in the winter up here because the weather patterns of the lake usually keep it pretty overcast, but I think gray skies are just aesthetically better than the kind of sun we can get this time of year. Then again, I'm not prone to SAD--my depressive episodes tend to be independent of the weather.

Now that the obligatory Midwestern weather talk is out of the way, I can talk about more important things. Though I can't really think of any. I'm trying to write a novel, in large part because I want to not have to work anymore. Because of course it would be a best-seller and I could LIVE LARGE by just cranking out a book every couple of years. That's how it usually happens, I hear. <----(sarcasm). Honestly, though, I do really want to just do it, to see if I can and see if it's a viable option. I've been telling myself I would give it a go for a while now. Plus, it would be awfully dreamy to stay at home and write for a living, keeping my RN license in order to go off for short disaster-relief stints around the world. Something about finally having an actual career has given me the push to get going on this--it feels like it's now or never, although that's certainly not true. Not being distracted by stress over money worries seems to be helping, too.

The hard part is getting it off the ground. I've got a decent idea for a story, and I know where I want to take it. I think my main problem is taking my time in getting there. I tend to rush ahead, thinking about what comes next, and then I realize I've whipped through a section that really should have had more detail, and then I stare at the screen for twenty minutes trying to figure out what to do about it. Maybe I need to think about it less like a whole story for now and more like my master's thesis and break it down chapter by chapter. I'm also pulling in a lot of my own experience with Rich's death, because I can't really seem to get around that, but it's not a memoir and it's not really based on what actually happened--more like what I desperately wished I had done and wanted to do. Striking that balance is tricky sometimes.

Anyway. I think it will be good. Or at least decent, because I am no fan of shitty writing, including my own, and I won't be responsible for more of it floating out in the world. I hope I finish it before next fall (not an arbitrary deadline, but a subject for another time). Here's to a creative winter.

Waiting for snowfall...

My tracking software/egotistical spying application tells me that a shit-ton of people have been to my site recently. Mainly for the pictures. Apparently when you give a blog post a title that involves a line out of a Gordon Lightfoot song, the hordes come a-knocking. Note: I am using the terms "shit-ton" and "hordes" very loosely and in comparison to the usual, western-Nebraska-population numbers that generally grace me with their readership.

Things are...well, they just are. I am struggling with some interpersonal conflict. On the upside, I have (and have to keep reminding myself that I have) really awesome people around who outnumber the less-awesome others, and who could totally kick their asses, if they were so inclined, which they are not because they are thoughtful and gentle people. But they could.

Anyway. I'm wondering what else I can do to boost my numbers. Pictures of boobs are always good, but I don't know if that's really the right direction for me. Anyone have any suggestions? What do you want to see/read about? Excitement? Adventure? That would turn this into a fictional endeavor, just to be clear. Or should I just continue with my mundane, self-indulgent, kind of boring blatherings? Cause I have that list, now, you know, and I've got to do this at least twice a month.