Well. So much for twice a month.
I've been busy, what with the outrage at our numbnuts governor and taking a weekend to drive down to Madison to protest, flying to Vancouver for the International Meeting on Indigenous Childrens Health, flying to Connecticut the following week for a training on a group model of prenatal care, trying to get to a place where I feel competent doing my job, making an attempt to leave the house at 5:45 a couple of times a week to get to the rec center and swim before work (that's been hit or miss--shocking, I know), planning my garden and starting seeds, telling the voice in my head that says I'll be 35 this summer and no way will this next attempt at getting pregnant work to shut the fuck up, thinking about getting started writing again, planning a hopefully-last-hurrah weekend in Minneapolis in May with Em, and spending a lot of quality time with my awesome husband.
Additionally, I haven't felt like I've had much to write about, which is absurd when you consider the preceding paragraph.
One thing I wondered about with my new job is whether it would be difficult for me emotionally to be surrounded by pregnancy and birth and babies. Somewhat surprisingly, it isn't really. Sometimes I get a twinge, but ever since we got our shitty news, almost four years ago, I've tried really really hard not to become bitter and consumed with envy and anger every time I see a pregnant woman. I've had my moments, for sure, but mostly I remind myself over and over (and over and over) that one sentence is not the whole story. In other words, there may be many things in that pregnant woman's life that I would not want, and infertility aside, I think my life is pretty awesome, so the balance (so I tell myself) is in my favor.
All this I'm-cool-with-it equanimity isn't to say that it doesn't hurt and I don't feel sorry for myself. And I know that if I'm never able to get pregnant and give birth to a healthy child, midwifery is out of the question. I'm not completely delusional. But I like working with young, first-time moms. I like watching them realize they can do this, and commit to being healthy and doing all they can for their baby. The rewards far outweigh the envy, at least for now.
Showing posts with label updates. Show all posts
Showing posts with label updates. Show all posts
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
New Beginnings, Etc.
I was looking forward to January for several months. I thought, "Oh, January. The deep, cold, heart of winter. It will be the perfect time to relax, hunker down, and stop running around all the time like a damn crazy person." Yeah, not so much. January has been hectic as all hell. This hasn't been an entirely bad thing, but it has not been relaxing in any way, shape, or form.
First off, I am not pregnant. This is okay, for now. In all honesty, the timing ended up not being great for a pregnancy (more on that in a minute) and we're going to give it a few months before trying again. I'm not going to lie, we were a little sad about it, but I think we'll be in a better place later on in the spring. Plus, if I wait a couple of months, I'll qualify for paid maternity leave, an awesome fringe benefit of my wonderful new job.
And thus begins the tale of why January has been so hectic. Last Monday, I started my new job as Maternal-Child Health Nurse at the tribal health clinic where I interned the summer of 2009. This has truly been a dream come true, and I still can't quite believe I got this job. During my internship, the MCH Nurse at the time was my mentor, and I fell in love with the work as well as the community. She was leaving her position that fall, but I had another year of school left. We briefly talked about me applying as a LPN, but it wouldn't really have been workable with school, even if the clinic had been willing to hire a LPN for the position. Someone else, someone with a really great resume and background, got the job, and I told myself I would just have to try to come back once I finished a midwifery program. There generally isn't a lot of turnover for that position, so I figured it wouldn't open up again for quite some time.
My internship mentor and I had become very good friends, and we always talked about how great it would be to work together again someday. She finished up her own school this spring and is now a nurse-midwife, and had gone back to the clinic to head up a new MCH department. I thought and hoped that maybe someday we could work together in a midwifery practice for the tribe. Then she called me at the end of November and said that the MCH Nurse had submitted her resignation. I got my application in as soon as I could, and wrote the most gushing cover letter I have every written. I knew that I didn't have the work experience to wow anyone, but I did have the passion and desire to be doing that work specifically, in that community specifically, and I told them so. I interviewed on January 3rd and was offered the position the next day.
So I've been there a week, and I could not be happier. I still don't have a phone or a computer, but I'm also still orienting, so that's okay. The staff is wonderful and I share an office with my friend, who is also now my supervisor (and I realize that's not always ideal, but we are both talkers with a similar vision for the program, and I am more than aware that she's a brilliant person with a lot of respect in the community and many years of experience doing my job, so I'm happy to take direction from her). It's a 40-minute commute, but I'm not exactly sitting on I-94--my drive to work takes me up the Bayfield peninsula and it's gorgeous. I get to go to trainings and conferences--I'm going to the International Conference on Indigenous Children's Health in Vancouver in March--and meet all kinds of intelligent people doing incredible work. Like I said, I still can't quite believe I got this job.
Several years ago, I went a long time struggling to find any job that I could actually live on, let alone one I actually wanted. I liked my job at the Cancer Center, but it wasn't my dream. If anyone had told me four years ago that I would be in this position, I would have found it hard to believe. I don't know that I'll ever be able to take this for granted now. I hope not.
First off, I am not pregnant. This is okay, for now. In all honesty, the timing ended up not being great for a pregnancy (more on that in a minute) and we're going to give it a few months before trying again. I'm not going to lie, we were a little sad about it, but I think we'll be in a better place later on in the spring. Plus, if I wait a couple of months, I'll qualify for paid maternity leave, an awesome fringe benefit of my wonderful new job.
And thus begins the tale of why January has been so hectic. Last Monday, I started my new job as Maternal-Child Health Nurse at the tribal health clinic where I interned the summer of 2009. This has truly been a dream come true, and I still can't quite believe I got this job. During my internship, the MCH Nurse at the time was my mentor, and I fell in love with the work as well as the community. She was leaving her position that fall, but I had another year of school left. We briefly talked about me applying as a LPN, but it wouldn't really have been workable with school, even if the clinic had been willing to hire a LPN for the position. Someone else, someone with a really great resume and background, got the job, and I told myself I would just have to try to come back once I finished a midwifery program. There generally isn't a lot of turnover for that position, so I figured it wouldn't open up again for quite some time.
My internship mentor and I had become very good friends, and we always talked about how great it would be to work together again someday. She finished up her own school this spring and is now a nurse-midwife, and had gone back to the clinic to head up a new MCH department. I thought and hoped that maybe someday we could work together in a midwifery practice for the tribe. Then she called me at the end of November and said that the MCH Nurse had submitted her resignation. I got my application in as soon as I could, and wrote the most gushing cover letter I have every written. I knew that I didn't have the work experience to wow anyone, but I did have the passion and desire to be doing that work specifically, in that community specifically, and I told them so. I interviewed on January 3rd and was offered the position the next day.
So I've been there a week, and I could not be happier. I still don't have a phone or a computer, but I'm also still orienting, so that's okay. The staff is wonderful and I share an office with my friend, who is also now my supervisor (and I realize that's not always ideal, but we are both talkers with a similar vision for the program, and I am more than aware that she's a brilliant person with a lot of respect in the community and many years of experience doing my job, so I'm happy to take direction from her). It's a 40-minute commute, but I'm not exactly sitting on I-94--my drive to work takes me up the Bayfield peninsula and it's gorgeous. I get to go to trainings and conferences--I'm going to the International Conference on Indigenous Children's Health in Vancouver in March--and meet all kinds of intelligent people doing incredible work. Like I said, I still can't quite believe I got this job.
Several years ago, I went a long time struggling to find any job that I could actually live on, let alone one I actually wanted. I liked my job at the Cancer Center, but it wasn't my dream. If anyone had told me four years ago that I would be in this position, I would have found it hard to believe. I don't know that I'll ever be able to take this for granted now. I hope not.
Friday, December 31, 2010
A Periodic Update
It's New Year's Eve. There was once a time when that meant I was going to be out whooping it up and carrying on, but those days appear to be behind me. Tonight I will be hanging out with my husband, along with Shane the dog and Wendy the cat. We will watch movies and eat hamburgers, homemade french fries and salads, share a piece of chocolate tiramisu from the oh-my-god bakery here in town, drink a bottle of champagne, talk about our hopes for what 2011 will bring us (namely, a baby, plus possibly my dream job), maybe play Scrabble, kiss at midnight, and go to bed. A lame, lame New Year's Eve by my mid-twenties standards, but our stamina is not what it once was, and the roads are incredibly shitty tonight anyway.
So I figured I have 893 days left in my project, and maybe I should check in, see how I'm keeping up with the list. Some of it is seasonal, some of it I haven't had a chance to touch. This is the rest of it:
1. Study mythology. Got a few books for Christmas, can't wait to dive in.
-
6. Write a novel. I got it started, just need to keep going.
7. Read at least 30 new books. I've done 3 so far, with a stack waiting for me.
-
13. Take at least ten pictures a month. November was a little short, but otherwise I've been using my digital camera more, much as I hate it. Still, documentation is good.
-
15. Become skilled at IV starts. This has gone really, really well. I'm not expert yet, but I don't often need anyone to take over for me anymore. It's a deeply satisfying thing to successfully start an IV, even more so when the person looks down and says "Oh! I didn't even feel that."
-
17. Become a parent. This is the biggie, and we currently have a box sitting in our living room, which contains a canister of liquid nitrogen, within which are two vials of sperm. When the 23-lb box arrived yesterday and I lifted it up to move it to the corner of the room, it occurred to me that it was the same weight as a healthy 9-12 month old. We have everything (well, not EVERYTHING) crossed that this will work.
-
19. Buy as much food as possible locally. I've gotten more local produce from the co-op, Bayfield apples at AppleFest, 50 lbs of pork and 30-ish lbs of lamb from my parents' neighbors farm in the freezer, and our milk is always from the local dairy. It feels good to support the small local farms that are doing things right.
-
22. Make different kinds of bread once every month. I have tried two different kinds so far. I'm not giving up yet, but it is possible that I may not become a master bread baker.
23. Study Anishinaabe (Ojibwe) spirituality. I'm starting out slow, smudging (which I love, love, love) and putting down tobacco when I pray. I have a lot left to learn.
-
25. Enjoy my job as it is, without focusing only on moving on to midwifery. As I mentioned, there's a possibility I could be in my dream job within a month. If it doesn't happen, I think I'll be okay with that. There are parts of my current job that are a struggle, but sometimes I really love it.
-
27. Organize my photos and photo albums. Done!
-
29. Donate money to 4 different charities. As soon as things are a little more stable, I've got money planned for one of my favorites.
-
41. No gossiping for 2 weeks. I don't think I've done this flat out yet, but I do know I'm paying attention to it more and doing it less.
-
44. Develop a closer friendship with ---. We've hung out a couple of times and have plans to do more and get our families together too. She's great.
-
49. Focus on the patients, not the workplace. I've gotten really attached to a number of our patients, and it makes it easier to do the job well.
-
59. Drink tea 5 times a week. We're on a tea kick here in the Extremely Adequate household. The tea from the doulas is especially good and I'm trying to drink lots of it.
-
66. Get to know my siblings and their partners better. I've been able to spend more time with my brother and his wife, which is always fun. There are fewer chances with my sister, but they'll be up in a few weeks.
67. Get to know Kevin's brother and his wife better. We all went out for dinner at Christmas. It was interesting and a lot of fun. I hope we do it more.
-
69. Learn reiki/healing touch therapy. Taking a workshop next week!
70. Blog at least twice a month. Check. And just under the wire for December!
-
73. Replace my non-stick pans with cast iron. 2 down, several more to go.
-
80. Go to the Delta Diner. Done, and we shall return. If you ever find yourself between Ashland and Iron River at breakfast or lunch time, go. You won't regret it.
-
85. Make it to 10 doula meetings a year. Haven't missed a thing since September. I love being a part of this group so much.
-
91. Go to Madison at least once a year. Halloween. It kicked ass.
-
97. Send out Christmas cards. Did it! And they were adorable, thanks to Kevin's creativity, and very well received.
-
101. Recognize that having a list of goals does not make me an advanced person and refrain from becoming a pain in the ass about this. Fail. I'm a totally superior pain in the ass.
Happy New Year, everyone. Here's to a peaceful, hope-filled, amazing 2011.
So I figured I have 893 days left in my project, and maybe I should check in, see how I'm keeping up with the list. Some of it is seasonal, some of it I haven't had a chance to touch. This is the rest of it:
1. Study mythology. Got a few books for Christmas, can't wait to dive in.
-
6. Write a novel. I got it started, just need to keep going.
7. Read at least 30 new books. I've done 3 so far, with a stack waiting for me.
-
13. Take at least ten pictures a month. November was a little short, but otherwise I've been using my digital camera more, much as I hate it. Still, documentation is good.
-
15. Become skilled at IV starts. This has gone really, really well. I'm not expert yet, but I don't often need anyone to take over for me anymore. It's a deeply satisfying thing to successfully start an IV, even more so when the person looks down and says "Oh! I didn't even feel that."
-
17. Become a parent. This is the biggie, and we currently have a box sitting in our living room, which contains a canister of liquid nitrogen, within which are two vials of sperm. When the 23-lb box arrived yesterday and I lifted it up to move it to the corner of the room, it occurred to me that it was the same weight as a healthy 9-12 month old. We have everything (well, not EVERYTHING) crossed that this will work.
-
19. Buy as much food as possible locally. I've gotten more local produce from the co-op, Bayfield apples at AppleFest, 50 lbs of pork and 30-ish lbs of lamb from my parents' neighbors farm in the freezer, and our milk is always from the local dairy. It feels good to support the small local farms that are doing things right.
-
22. Make different kinds of bread once every month. I have tried two different kinds so far. I'm not giving up yet, but it is possible that I may not become a master bread baker.
23. Study Anishinaabe (Ojibwe) spirituality. I'm starting out slow, smudging (which I love, love, love) and putting down tobacco when I pray. I have a lot left to learn.
-
25. Enjoy my job as it is, without focusing only on moving on to midwifery. As I mentioned, there's a possibility I could be in my dream job within a month. If it doesn't happen, I think I'll be okay with that. There are parts of my current job that are a struggle, but sometimes I really love it.
-
27. Organize my photos and photo albums. Done!
-
29. Donate money to 4 different charities. As soon as things are a little more stable, I've got money planned for one of my favorites.
-
41. No gossiping for 2 weeks. I don't think I've done this flat out yet, but I do know I'm paying attention to it more and doing it less.
-
44. Develop a closer friendship with ---. We've hung out a couple of times and have plans to do more and get our families together too. She's great.
-
49. Focus on the patients, not the workplace. I've gotten really attached to a number of our patients, and it makes it easier to do the job well.
-
59. Drink tea 5 times a week. We're on a tea kick here in the Extremely Adequate household. The tea from the doulas is especially good and I'm trying to drink lots of it.
-
66. Get to know my siblings and their partners better. I've been able to spend more time with my brother and his wife, which is always fun. There are fewer chances with my sister, but they'll be up in a few weeks.
67. Get to know Kevin's brother and his wife better. We all went out for dinner at Christmas. It was interesting and a lot of fun. I hope we do it more.
-
69. Learn reiki/healing touch therapy. Taking a workshop next week!
70. Blog at least twice a month. Check. And just under the wire for December!
-
73. Replace my non-stick pans with cast iron. 2 down, several more to go.
-
80. Go to the Delta Diner. Done, and we shall return. If you ever find yourself between Ashland and Iron River at breakfast or lunch time, go. You won't regret it.
-
85. Make it to 10 doula meetings a year. Haven't missed a thing since September. I love being a part of this group so much.
-
91. Go to Madison at least once a year. Halloween. It kicked ass.
-
97. Send out Christmas cards. Did it! And they were adorable, thanks to Kevin's creativity, and very well received.
-
101. Recognize that having a list of goals does not make me an advanced person and refrain from becoming a pain in the ass about this. Fail. I'm a totally superior pain in the ass.
Happy New Year, everyone. Here's to a peaceful, hope-filled, amazing 2011.
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Post-Equinox
For the first time in a long time, I can't wait for winter. I don't know if it's my advancing age or living here in the north amongst the wilderness and hippies, but I'm getting that whole "in-tune-with-the-seasons" thing going.
This summer was a little exhausting. I really should be smacked for saying that, since I didn't work until August, but it just felt really hectic. And then once I did start working, it felt like Kevin and I were always, always busy. We'd plan on a stay-at-home weekend, then something would come up here, another thing would come up there, and before we knew it our schedule was full. Don't get me wrong, we had fun and I'm so, so glad we have made so many wonderful friends up here, but I am dying for a quiet, snowed-in weekend, just us and some movies and craft projects.
Work is going well, I suppose. I'm starting to get IVs down, although today I tried to start an IV on someone who apparently has concrete coating his veins. When I finally gave up and pulled out the catheter (the needle doesn't stay in, it's just to get through the skin and hopefully the vein), there was no blood on it and it looked like I had jammed it into the wall. Mad skills, yo. But my success rate is slowly improving. I'm trying to keep telling myself to give myself a year to get comfortable in my job--I'm a new nurse, it's a tough specialty--but I'm not great about being patient with myself. I do my chemo certification at the end of the month and once I start doing chemo as well, I'm sure my comfort level will plummet again. But I've got great teachers working with me.
I'll switch to part-time once I'm done training, probably some time in November. It will be awesome to get that extra time back, especially as we start working on the house, but I'm worried about the drop in income. My full-time nurse's paycheck has been pretty nice. But we'll manage. We know how to live poor, and it's only uphill from there. And Kevin has a fantastic job that he absolutely loves, working for a really great guy who builds and restores fine wooden boats. So we're pretty solid, all in all.
I know this is incredibly sappy and unlike me, but I often kind of marvel at how lucky we've been, to move up to this little economically depressed town in rural northern Wisconsin and both find really good jobs right out of school. I think we're definitely home, our little family with our dog and cats. Especially doing what I do, I know that lightning can strike any time and the odds are decent that someday, hopefully a long time from now, it will. But right here and right now, we're happy. Perfection? No, but for now it's pretty damn good.
This summer was a little exhausting. I really should be smacked for saying that, since I didn't work until August, but it just felt really hectic. And then once I did start working, it felt like Kevin and I were always, always busy. We'd plan on a stay-at-home weekend, then something would come up here, another thing would come up there, and before we knew it our schedule was full. Don't get me wrong, we had fun and I'm so, so glad we have made so many wonderful friends up here, but I am dying for a quiet, snowed-in weekend, just us and some movies and craft projects.
Work is going well, I suppose. I'm starting to get IVs down, although today I tried to start an IV on someone who apparently has concrete coating his veins. When I finally gave up and pulled out the catheter (the needle doesn't stay in, it's just to get through the skin and hopefully the vein), there was no blood on it and it looked like I had jammed it into the wall. Mad skills, yo. But my success rate is slowly improving. I'm trying to keep telling myself to give myself a year to get comfortable in my job--I'm a new nurse, it's a tough specialty--but I'm not great about being patient with myself. I do my chemo certification at the end of the month and once I start doing chemo as well, I'm sure my comfort level will plummet again. But I've got great teachers working with me.
I'll switch to part-time once I'm done training, probably some time in November. It will be awesome to get that extra time back, especially as we start working on the house, but I'm worried about the drop in income. My full-time nurse's paycheck has been pretty nice. But we'll manage. We know how to live poor, and it's only uphill from there. And Kevin has a fantastic job that he absolutely loves, working for a really great guy who builds and restores fine wooden boats. So we're pretty solid, all in all.
I know this is incredibly sappy and unlike me, but I often kind of marvel at how lucky we've been, to move up to this little economically depressed town in rural northern Wisconsin and both find really good jobs right out of school. I think we're definitely home, our little family with our dog and cats. Especially doing what I do, I know that lightning can strike any time and the odds are decent that someday, hopefully a long time from now, it will. But right here and right now, we're happy. Perfection? No, but for now it's pretty damn good.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Cobwebs? What cobwebs?
I'm pretty sure any readers I did have gave up long ago. I can't blame them, seeing as how this blog has been left all forlorn and outdated. It's like the online, self-indulgent version of a foreclosed house with nests of squirrels in the rumpus room, or possibly Eden Prairie Center, circa 1996--I hear it's been somewhat revitalized now, though.
I won't even pretend that I've been busy. I've been a freaking housewife for the last two months. Not a bad gig, really, save for the humiliating poverty and the guilt of watching Kevin commute 45 minutes each way to work a stressful job with crappy pay. But hey, he hasn't had to vacuum or wash dishes in two months, so it's been a tradeoff for him.
Somehow, in the midst of all of my floor-scrubbing and laundry--okay, and gardening, reading, developing a half-assed workout regime, and dicking around on the Internet--I found time to attend graduation ceremonies, study for and pass boards to get my RN license, and, oh yeah, GET A JOB THAT USES MY DEGREE!!!
A big part of me didn't think it would really happen, at least not this quickly. But it did, it totally did, and I'm so excited. Actually, getting this job is a big honor and I'm really lucky in a lot of ways. It's here in town, which in and of itself is huge--I was prepared to have to commute to Duluth, which would have sucked a whole lot. I will be working at the cancer center, a satellite clinic of a large Duluth-based medical center. Among other things, this means that I will get really good at starting IVs. I will also be working straight days, no weekends, no holidays; this is practically unheard of in nursing. And, best of all, I get to develop relationships with my patients and play an important role in their treatments and, hopefully, remission. I start in two weeks.
Not everything has been sunshine and butterflies. A friend died in April. I lost a friend, my wonderful friend and mentor lost the love of her life, and the community lost an incredible leader. It's been hard and we all miss him a great deal. He was one of those people who truly inspires you to be a better person, and everyone who knew him is a million times better for it. He was very involved in our doula group--not as a doula, but in the role he played for so many of us, as a spiritual and cultural adviser. Our doula group is also incredible, and we have been able to support each other through it (especially the people that particularly feel the loss), remember and honor him, and will continue to do so.
That was the big one, but there are always little things that keep everything from being perfect. Despite that, I am ridiculously happy right now. I have a kick-ass husband, really great friends, gainful employment, an awesome family, and I get to live in this gorgeous area where I can see the big lake every day. Because I'm me, a little part of me is wondering when the shoe's going to drop. But I was talking to a friend today and mentioned this, and she very wisely told me, "Yeah, I think it's inevitable to feel that way. But all you can do is enjoy it while it lasts." So I will.
I won't even pretend that I've been busy. I've been a freaking housewife for the last two months. Not a bad gig, really, save for the humiliating poverty and the guilt of watching Kevin commute 45 minutes each way to work a stressful job with crappy pay. But hey, he hasn't had to vacuum or wash dishes in two months, so it's been a tradeoff for him.
Somehow, in the midst of all of my floor-scrubbing and laundry--okay, and gardening, reading, developing a half-assed workout regime, and dicking around on the Internet--I found time to attend graduation ceremonies, study for and pass boards to get my RN license, and, oh yeah, GET A JOB THAT USES MY DEGREE!!!
A big part of me didn't think it would really happen, at least not this quickly. But it did, it totally did, and I'm so excited. Actually, getting this job is a big honor and I'm really lucky in a lot of ways. It's here in town, which in and of itself is huge--I was prepared to have to commute to Duluth, which would have sucked a whole lot. I will be working at the cancer center, a satellite clinic of a large Duluth-based medical center. Among other things, this means that I will get really good at starting IVs. I will also be working straight days, no weekends, no holidays; this is practically unheard of in nursing. And, best of all, I get to develop relationships with my patients and play an important role in their treatments and, hopefully, remission. I start in two weeks.
Not everything has been sunshine and butterflies. A friend died in April. I lost a friend, my wonderful friend and mentor lost the love of her life, and the community lost an incredible leader. It's been hard and we all miss him a great deal. He was one of those people who truly inspires you to be a better person, and everyone who knew him is a million times better for it. He was very involved in our doula group--not as a doula, but in the role he played for so many of us, as a spiritual and cultural adviser. Our doula group is also incredible, and we have been able to support each other through it (especially the people that particularly feel the loss), remember and honor him, and will continue to do so.
That was the big one, but there are always little things that keep everything from being perfect. Despite that, I am ridiculously happy right now. I have a kick-ass husband, really great friends, gainful employment, an awesome family, and I get to live in this gorgeous area where I can see the big lake every day. Because I'm me, a little part of me is wondering when the shoe's going to drop. But I was talking to a friend today and mentioned this, and she very wisely told me, "Yeah, I think it's inevitable to feel that way. But all you can do is enjoy it while it lasts." So I will.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Navel-gazing
It's time to compartmentalize a bit. I've been thinking about my blog lately, and I realized that I spend a lot of time talking about how things were "back in the day". And while there's nothing inherently wrong with this, I'm feeling like I need to try to focus myself more, and somehow that led to a second blog. So now I'm one of those people, with a blog for every individual purpose. But I like the idea of a blog dedicated to backstory, to all the swirling crap that has made me the person I am this very minute, all the good and bad. It's here. Which means if you're sick of my "back in the day" rambling, you can theoretically avoid them by not reading my other blog. Because I'm totally going to stay on topic from now on. Totally.
So here I am, four months from graduating nursing school. Holy shit, has it ever gone quickly. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I feel like I'm ready to be done. I know I'm ready to have a reasonable income. But sometimes I get overwhelmed by how much I still don't know. Which is really par for the course and to paraphrase a doctor I met recently, any graduating or new grad nurse who isn't overwhelmed by how much they don't know has their head up their ass. There's an awful lot to learn.
I'm still not worried about finding a job. I should be, but I'm not. I don't know if I'm hopelessly naive or determined to be an idiot, or if I'm right in having that faith. A lot of other people in my class are freaking out about it, they don't want to have to work in a nursing home but those are the best options around here. The hospital in town is small and rarely hires nurses. Rather than struggle for the few jobs in town, I've decided to just start my search in Duluth. It's an hour commute, but I'd get a lot more experience with more critical patients (regardless of my field) and learn a ton. We'll see how that pans out.
I'm so happy that I walked away from my degrees and my previous dreams. I was joking with someone recently that you turn 30 and have to choose money over your dreams, but in reality, my dreams have just changed. The life I thought I wanted, submersed in politics and foreign affairs on the East Coast, sounds so unappealing to me now. Fancypants academic discussions about conflict resolutions, complete with terms like "consociational", have moved to passionate discussions about whether and how we can get a birth center built in the area. I've gone from wanting to influence foreign policy to wanting to catch babies. It's such huge shift to have made in such a short time: just over five years ago I was a PhD student in Washington DC, and now I'm preparing to graduate technical college in Ashland, Wisconsin. And even if I wasn't totally satisfied with the way my life has turned out up til now, there is no denying that Lake Superior kicks the Tidal Basin's ass any day of the week.
Friday, October 23, 2009
All nursing school, all the time
Returning to the abandoned blog. It's been busy, although less stressful than last year, I think. Somehow we're already over halfway through the semester and I'll be done with this program in 7 months. The supposed class from hell, Complex Health Alterations, has proven to be not all that bad, as long as I do the reading. My lazy ass has managed to get it together enough to do quite well, which has been a nice surprise.
Clinicals have been a million times better than they were last year. Especially during first semester, I dreaded clinicals. I was thrilled when they were done for the semester. But we've had several weeks of them now and they haven't been too bad. Okay, I should clarify that. We finished our acute care/med-surg clinical last week and, apart from the pain-in-the-ass-ness of having to go to a hospital over an hour away and be gone for two nights a week, it was great. Learned a lot, got called "an angel" (HA!) by a patient, got to start my first IV. It was a successful start on the first try, but it wasn't a particularly proud moment. Mainly because once I got it into the vein, I started shaking and completely forgot what to do next, and ended up with blood on the floor. Hey, it happens. The very nice RN who was overseeing me quickly took over and got the saline lock on, and I taped it up. This clinical really was a good experience overall.
Now we're in mental health, and I'm surprised at how much I don't like it. It's not like last year, I don't dread going back next week and I'm learning a lot, but it's getting to me. It's hard to go home and set it aside, and I haven't been able to do it. I just keep thinking about it. It's kind of horrifying to be faced with live evidence of just how much psychological damage one person can inflict on another human being.
Before we started this rotation, I thought I would really like it and might be interested in working in it for a while, but not so much. I think you have to have a certain combination of empathy, excellent communication skills, and an ability to care about what happens to people, but not too much--be dispassionate. I can do empathy, I can do communication, but I have a hard time with the dispassion. It's probably something I should work on in general, but I doubt I'll ever get it enough to work in mental health.
Clinicals have been a million times better than they were last year. Especially during first semester, I dreaded clinicals. I was thrilled when they were done for the semester. But we've had several weeks of them now and they haven't been too bad. Okay, I should clarify that. We finished our acute care/med-surg clinical last week and, apart from the pain-in-the-ass-ness of having to go to a hospital over an hour away and be gone for two nights a week, it was great. Learned a lot, got called "an angel" (HA!) by a patient, got to start my first IV. It was a successful start on the first try, but it wasn't a particularly proud moment. Mainly because once I got it into the vein, I started shaking and completely forgot what to do next, and ended up with blood on the floor. Hey, it happens. The very nice RN who was overseeing me quickly took over and got the saline lock on, and I taped it up. This clinical really was a good experience overall.
Now we're in mental health, and I'm surprised at how much I don't like it. It's not like last year, I don't dread going back next week and I'm learning a lot, but it's getting to me. It's hard to go home and set it aside, and I haven't been able to do it. I just keep thinking about it. It's kind of horrifying to be faced with live evidence of just how much psychological damage one person can inflict on another human being.
Before we started this rotation, I thought I would really like it and might be interested in working in it for a while, but not so much. I think you have to have a certain combination of empathy, excellent communication skills, and an ability to care about what happens to people, but not too much--be dispassionate. I can do empathy, I can do communication, but I have a hard time with the dispassion. It's probably something I should work on in general, but I doubt I'll ever get it enough to work in mental health.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
We don't need no stinkin' air conditioner
Why yes it has been five weeks since I wrote last. I'm not happy with the quality of the stuff I've been writing lately, so I just kind of abandoned it for a while. Because everyone knows the best way to get better at something is not to do it, and then you will magically improve.
Summer is finally here; it's in the 80s and sunny today. No small feat when you realize it was in the 40s two weeks ago. We don't have normal seasons like the rest of the country. We have a short, pleasant fall, a freakishly long sunless winter, and a drawn-out spring. Then we get a couple of months of summer, and everyone loses their fucking minds. It's so gorgeous here in the summer, which is the whole reason most of us live here, and there's like this crazy energy, everyone trying to cram in as much as they possibly can before it starts getting cold again.
My internship is great, I wish I could just stay there. I'm learning a ton about the tribal culture and hoping to pick up a few more Ojibwe words before the summer ends, and meeting some really cool people. Plus I get to do so much community nurse networking and research, which is such a benefit, career-wise.
I'm thinking again about becoming a midwife. I had kind of shoved the idea aside after I realized no way in hell would I want a job that keeps me on call 24-7. But if there were a possibility of some kind of practice with other nurse midwives, maybe even a birth center, well, damn, why not? It becomes a lot more appealing when that enters the equation, and it's definitely not out of the question. I have a couple of years to decide, but I'm starting to get kind of excited about the idea.
Finally, Kevin and I had our third anniversary a couple of weeks ago. It doesn't seem like three years. I actually get a little spooked when I think about how fast time is going by. Still, three years ain't bad. And all of that stuff about marriage being hard work is bullshit. It's only hard work if you find it difficult to put a little effort into appreciating your spouse, communicating openly, showing love and affection, and maintaining a baseline of consideration for each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sometimes it requires more, but essentially, that's it and you're good. So suck it, Dr. Phil.
P.S. I chopped all my hair off. I'm officially resigning myself to getting only basic haircuts here and finishing them myself. My too-long "pixie" cut became distinctly helmet-y in less than three weeks, so I took a pair of nail scissors to it and am much happier now.
Summer is finally here; it's in the 80s and sunny today. No small feat when you realize it was in the 40s two weeks ago. We don't have normal seasons like the rest of the country. We have a short, pleasant fall, a freakishly long sunless winter, and a drawn-out spring. Then we get a couple of months of summer, and everyone loses their fucking minds. It's so gorgeous here in the summer, which is the whole reason most of us live here, and there's like this crazy energy, everyone trying to cram in as much as they possibly can before it starts getting cold again.
My internship is great, I wish I could just stay there. I'm learning a ton about the tribal culture and hoping to pick up a few more Ojibwe words before the summer ends, and meeting some really cool people. Plus I get to do so much community nurse networking and research, which is such a benefit, career-wise.
I'm thinking again about becoming a midwife. I had kind of shoved the idea aside after I realized no way in hell would I want a job that keeps me on call 24-7. But if there were a possibility of some kind of practice with other nurse midwives, maybe even a birth center, well, damn, why not? It becomes a lot more appealing when that enters the equation, and it's definitely not out of the question. I have a couple of years to decide, but I'm starting to get kind of excited about the idea.
Finally, Kevin and I had our third anniversary a couple of weeks ago. It doesn't seem like three years. I actually get a little spooked when I think about how fast time is going by. Still, three years ain't bad. And all of that stuff about marriage being hard work is bullshit. It's only hard work if you find it difficult to put a little effort into appreciating your spouse, communicating openly, showing love and affection, and maintaining a baseline of consideration for each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sometimes it requires more, but essentially, that's it and you're good. So suck it, Dr. Phil.
P.S. I chopped all my hair off. I'm officially resigning myself to getting only basic haircuts here and finishing them myself. My too-long "pixie" cut became distinctly helmet-y in less than three weeks, so I took a pair of nail scissors to it and am much happier now.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Lesson 1: "Stethoscope" does not have an "a" in it
Wow, nursing school is hard. It may just be an associate degree, but I'm already putting in waaaay more work than I was while in school for a PhD, even before I abandoned it. I do like it, which is a good thing because I wouldn't have a lot of options if I hated it. Clinicals start next week and I'm nervous. I don't have to walk in there Thursday morning and start an IV or anything, but it's still nervewracking.
Kevin started school too, for the only marine repair program in the state, and it's kind of nice for both of us to be in school at the same time. We have similar schedules and can encourage each other instead of getting resentful that someone always has to be studying when the other person wants to go out or something. Not that we can afford to go out.
Living with my parents has been an adjustment and it's not always easy, but we wouldn't be able to do any of this otherwise. They've helped us out enormously, and although I would really really rather not have to be relying on my parents at the age of 32, it is what it is. We're extremely lucky to have their help.
And, yeah, I love Ashland. It's great living up here. There are some really nice beaches and we've been swimming several times since we got here, though I think the beach weather might be over for the year. Lake Superior isn't what you'd call warm even in the height of summer. We've also been blueberry picking and went to the Bayfield County fair, so I feel fairly confident that we're getting the full northern Wisconsin small-town experience.
Kevin started school too, for the only marine repair program in the state, and it's kind of nice for both of us to be in school at the same time. We have similar schedules and can encourage each other instead of getting resentful that someone always has to be studying when the other person wants to go out or something. Not that we can afford to go out.
Living with my parents has been an adjustment and it's not always easy, but we wouldn't be able to do any of this otherwise. They've helped us out enormously, and although I would really really rather not have to be relying on my parents at the age of 32, it is what it is. We're extremely lucky to have their help.
And, yeah, I love Ashland. It's great living up here. There are some really nice beaches and we've been swimming several times since we got here, though I think the beach weather might be over for the year. Lake Superior isn't what you'd call warm even in the height of summer. We've also been blueberry picking and went to the Bayfield County fair, so I feel fairly confident that we're getting the full northern Wisconsin small-town experience.
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