The constitutionality of California's Prop 8 is being argued again in federal court. Charles Cooper, the lawyer for the pro-Prop 8, anti-gay marriage side of the case, is arguing that the point of marriage is procreation, and since the gays can't do that without help, their relationships shouldn't be called marriage. Amidst a treasure trove of similar inanities, Cooper has given us this gem: "The clear reason for marriage is that sexual relationships produce children."Well.
My husband and I have a sexual relationship that has never, and will never, produce children. It's nice to know that our marriage is purposeless in Mr. Cooper's view.
Our pointless marriage is going on five years now. We have built, and continue to build, a life together, just like our gay friends who are in committed relationships. We have supported each other through unemployment, poverty, career changes, illness, good fortune and bad, and yes, infertility. We are best friends, we hold each other up when things just fucking suck, and in my husband's words, one of us is always the light. But, you know, Chuck's probably right. Without procreation, we're just playing house.
I should say that plans are in the works for a baby, albeit one that will only carry one of our sets of chromosomes. More than three years after we found out that my husband was infertile, we are following the lead of the lesbians and placing an order with the sperm bank. We've chosen a donor based on his exceptionally good family health history and his wordy, funny profile. He wishes to remain anonymous, though he says he may change his mind. If so, it would be up to our child to track him down when she reaches 18, if she so chooses. But make no mistake; this donor will be the father, but he will not be the dad.
Some people think we should adopt instead, some people think we should accept God's will, which is clearly for us to be childless. And some people are so excited for us that they can hardly wait. Some people have told us what great parents we will be, they've prayed for us and made art for us and sent so much love our way that it makes me hopeful and helps give me faith that this will work, that four years after we started trying to have a baby, it will happen for us. We've talked and dreamed about this for so long, and now this first attempt is only weeks away.
And here's the thing. My husband and I, as we are right now, just the two of us, we're a family. Our marriage is not perfect, it is messy and we get pissed off and frustrated and slam doors and stomp up the stairs and bitch at each other and laugh together every single day and have dance parties in the kitchen to Lady Gaga and love one another unconditionally. Our child will join our family, with its imperfections, and he will be his own person, with his own thoughts and feelings and beliefs. But we will introduce him to all of the wonderful family and friends that we are lucky enough to know and love, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Native American, black, white, Asian, Latino, gay and straight, and he will have the extreme good fortune of getting to know all of those awesome people who will welcome and love him.
That may not be Charles Cooper's idea of family values, but I happen to believe that love is greater than fear and bigotry. Otherwise, what's the point?
No comments:
Post a Comment