Half Full

Well. So much for twice a month.

I've been busy, what with the outrage at our numbnuts governor and taking a weekend to drive down to Madison to protest, flying to Vancouver for the International Meeting on Indigenous Childrens Health, flying to Connecticut the following week for a training on a group model of prenatal care, trying to get to a place where I feel competent doing my job, making an attempt to leave the house at 5:45 a couple of times a week to get to the rec center and swim before work (that's been hit or miss--shocking, I know), planning my garden and starting seeds, telling the voice in my head that says I'll be 35 this summer and no way will this next attempt at getting pregnant work to shut the fuck up, thinking about getting started writing again, planning a hopefully-last-hurrah weekend in Minneapolis in May with Em, and spending a lot of quality time with my awesome husband.

Additionally, I haven't felt like I've had much to write about, which is absurd when you consider the preceding paragraph.

One thing I wondered about with my new job is whether it would be difficult for me emotionally to be surrounded by pregnancy and birth and babies. Somewhat surprisingly, it isn't really. Sometimes I get a twinge, but ever since we got our shitty news, almost four years ago, I've tried really really hard not to become bitter and consumed with envy and anger every time I see a pregnant woman. I've had my moments, for sure, but mostly I remind myself over and over (and over and over) that one sentence is not the whole story. In other words, there may be many things in that pregnant woman's life that I would not want, and infertility aside, I think my life is pretty awesome, so the balance (so I tell myself) is in my favor.

All this I'm-cool-with-it equanimity isn't to say that it doesn't hurt and I don't feel sorry for myself. And I know that if I'm never able to get pregnant and give birth to a healthy child, midwifery is out of the question. I'm not completely delusional. But I like working with young, first-time moms. I like watching them realize they can do this, and commit to being healthy and doing all they can for their baby. The rewards far outweigh the envy, at least for now.