It's New Year's Eve. There was once a time when that meant I was going to be out whooping it up and carrying on, but those days appear to be behind me. Tonight I will be hanging out with my husband, along with Shane the dog and Wendy the cat. We will watch movies and eat hamburgers, homemade french fries and salads, share a piece of chocolate tiramisu from the oh-my-god bakery here in town, drink a bottle of champagne, talk about our hopes for what 2011 will bring us (namely, a baby, plus possibly my dream job), maybe play Scrabble, kiss at midnight, and go to bed. A lame, lame New Year's Eve by my mid-twenties standards, but our stamina is not what it once was, and the roads are incredibly shitty tonight anyway.
So I figured I have 893 days left in my project, and maybe I should check in, see how I'm keeping up with the list. Some of it is seasonal, some of it I haven't had a chance to touch. This is the rest of it:
1. Study mythology. Got a few books for Christmas, can't wait to dive in.
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6. Write a novel. I got it started, just need to keep going.
7. Read at least 30 new books. I've done 3 so far, with a stack waiting for me.
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13. Take at least ten pictures a month. November was a little short, but otherwise I've been using my digital camera more, much as I hate it. Still, documentation is good.
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15. Become skilled at IV starts. This has gone really, really well. I'm not expert yet, but I don't often need anyone to take over for me anymore. It's a deeply satisfying thing to successfully start an IV, even more so when the person looks down and says "Oh! I didn't even feel that."
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17. Become a parent. This is the biggie, and we currently have a box sitting in our living room, which contains a canister of liquid nitrogen, within which are two vials of sperm. When the 23-lb box arrived yesterday and I lifted it up to move it to the corner of the room, it occurred to me that it was the same weight as a healthy 9-12 month old. We have everything (well, not EVERYTHING) crossed that this will work.
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19. Buy as much food as possible locally. I've gotten more local produce from the co-op, Bayfield apples at AppleFest, 50 lbs of pork and 30-ish lbs of lamb from my parents' neighbors farm in the freezer, and our milk is always from the local dairy. It feels good to support the small local farms that are doing things right.
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22. Make different kinds of bread once every month. I have tried two different kinds so far. I'm not giving up yet, but it is possible that I may not become a master bread baker.
23. Study Anishinaabe (Ojibwe) spirituality. I'm starting out slow, smudging (which I love, love, love) and putting down tobacco when I pray. I have a lot left to learn.
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25. Enjoy my job as it is, without focusing only on moving on to midwifery. As I mentioned, there's a possibility I could be in my dream job within a month. If it doesn't happen, I think I'll be okay with that. There are parts of my current job that are a struggle, but sometimes I really love it.
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27. Organize my photos and photo albums. Done!
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29. Donate money to 4 different charities. As soon as things are a little more stable, I've got money planned for one of my favorites.
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41. No gossiping for 2 weeks. I don't think I've done this flat out yet, but I do know I'm paying attention to it more and doing it less.
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44. Develop a closer friendship with ---. We've hung out a couple of times and have plans to do more and get our families together too. She's great.
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49. Focus on the patients, not the workplace. I've gotten really attached to a number of our patients, and it makes it easier to do the job well.
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59. Drink tea 5 times a week. We're on a tea kick here in the Extremely Adequate household. The tea from the doulas is especially good and I'm trying to drink lots of it.
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66. Get to know my siblings and their partners better. I've been able to spend more time with my brother and his wife, which is always fun. There are fewer chances with my sister, but they'll be up in a few weeks.
67. Get to know Kevin's brother and his wife better. We all went out for dinner at Christmas. It was interesting and a lot of fun. I hope we do it more.
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69. Learn reiki/healing touch therapy. Taking a workshop next week!
70. Blog at least twice a month. Check. And just under the wire for December!
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73. Replace my non-stick pans with cast iron. 2 down, several more to go.
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80. Go to the Delta Diner. Done, and we shall return. If you ever find yourself between Ashland and Iron River at breakfast or lunch time, go. You won't regret it.
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85. Make it to 10 doula meetings a year. Haven't missed a thing since September. I love being a part of this group so much.
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91. Go to Madison at least once a year. Halloween. It kicked ass.
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97. Send out Christmas cards. Did it! And they were adorable, thanks to Kevin's creativity, and very well received.
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101. Recognize that having a list of goals does not make me an advanced person and refrain from becoming a pain in the ass about this. Fail. I'm a totally superior pain in the ass.
Happy New Year, everyone. Here's to a peaceful, hope-filled, amazing 2011.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Mail Order Family and the American Way
The constitutionality of California's Prop 8 is being argued again in federal court. Charles Cooper, the lawyer for the pro-Prop 8, anti-gay marriage side of the case, is arguing that the point of marriage is procreation, and since the gays can't do that without help, their relationships shouldn't be called marriage. Amidst a treasure trove of similar inanities, Cooper has given us this gem: "The clear reason for marriage is that sexual relationships produce children."Well.
My husband and I have a sexual relationship that has never, and will never, produce children. It's nice to know that our marriage is purposeless in Mr. Cooper's view.
Our pointless marriage is going on five years now. We have built, and continue to build, a life together, just like our gay friends who are in committed relationships. We have supported each other through unemployment, poverty, career changes, illness, good fortune and bad, and yes, infertility. We are best friends, we hold each other up when things just fucking suck, and in my husband's words, one of us is always the light. But, you know, Chuck's probably right. Without procreation, we're just playing house.
I should say that plans are in the works for a baby, albeit one that will only carry one of our sets of chromosomes. More than three years after we found out that my husband was infertile, we are following the lead of the lesbians and placing an order with the sperm bank. We've chosen a donor based on his exceptionally good family health history and his wordy, funny profile. He wishes to remain anonymous, though he says he may change his mind. If so, it would be up to our child to track him down when she reaches 18, if she so chooses. But make no mistake; this donor will be the father, but he will not be the dad.
Some people think we should adopt instead, some people think we should accept God's will, which is clearly for us to be childless. And some people are so excited for us that they can hardly wait. Some people have told us what great parents we will be, they've prayed for us and made art for us and sent so much love our way that it makes me hopeful and helps give me faith that this will work, that four years after we started trying to have a baby, it will happen for us. We've talked and dreamed about this for so long, and now this first attempt is only weeks away.
And here's the thing. My husband and I, as we are right now, just the two of us, we're a family. Our marriage is not perfect, it is messy and we get pissed off and frustrated and slam doors and stomp up the stairs and bitch at each other and laugh together every single day and have dance parties in the kitchen to Lady Gaga and love one another unconditionally. Our child will join our family, with its imperfections, and he will be his own person, with his own thoughts and feelings and beliefs. But we will introduce him to all of the wonderful family and friends that we are lucky enough to know and love, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Native American, black, white, Asian, Latino, gay and straight, and he will have the extreme good fortune of getting to know all of those awesome people who will welcome and love him.
That may not be Charles Cooper's idea of family values, but I happen to believe that love is greater than fear and bigotry. Otherwise, what's the point?
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Stability Is Nice, But I Want Art Too
The snow is here. It's just a couple of inches, and it's been a few days since it snowed, so it looks all used and shitty in that weak hazy sunlight. You know what kind I mean. It's that early winter/late autumn sunlight that makes everywhere look like Gary, Indiana. People complain about the lack of sunlight in the winter up here because the weather patterns of the lake usually keep it pretty overcast, but I think gray skies are just aesthetically better than the kind of sun we can get this time of year. Then again, I'm not prone to SAD--my depressive episodes tend to be independent of the weather.
Now that the obligatory Midwestern weather talk is out of the way, I can talk about more important things. Though I can't really think of any. I'm trying to write a novel, in large part because I want to not have to work anymore. Because of course it would be a best-seller and I could LIVE LARGE by just cranking out a book every couple of years. That's how it usually happens, I hear. <----(sarcasm). Honestly, though, I do really want to just do it, to see if I can and see if it's a viable option. I've been telling myself I would give it a go for a while now. Plus, it would be awfully dreamy to stay at home and write for a living, keeping my RN license in order to go off for short disaster-relief stints around the world. Something about finally having an actual career has given me the push to get going on this--it feels like it's now or never, although that's certainly not true. Not being distracted by stress over money worries seems to be helping, too.
The hard part is getting it off the ground. I've got a decent idea for a story, and I know where I want to take it. I think my main problem is taking my time in getting there. I tend to rush ahead, thinking about what comes next, and then I realize I've whipped through a section that really should have had more detail, and then I stare at the screen for twenty minutes trying to figure out what to do about it. Maybe I need to think about it less like a whole story for now and more like my master's thesis and break it down chapter by chapter. I'm also pulling in a lot of my own experience with Rich's death, because I can't really seem to get around that, but it's not a memoir and it's not really based on what actually happened--more like what I desperately wished I had done and wanted to do. Striking that balance is tricky sometimes.
Anyway. I think it will be good. Or at least decent, because I am no fan of shitty writing, including my own, and I won't be responsible for more of it floating out in the world. I hope I finish it before next fall (not an arbitrary deadline, but a subject for another time). Here's to a creative winter.
Now that the obligatory Midwestern weather talk is out of the way, I can talk about more important things. Though I can't really think of any. I'm trying to write a novel, in large part because I want to not have to work anymore. Because of course it would be a best-seller and I could LIVE LARGE by just cranking out a book every couple of years. That's how it usually happens, I hear. <----(sarcasm). Honestly, though, I do really want to just do it, to see if I can and see if it's a viable option. I've been telling myself I would give it a go for a while now. Plus, it would be awfully dreamy to stay at home and write for a living, keeping my RN license in order to go off for short disaster-relief stints around the world. Something about finally having an actual career has given me the push to get going on this--it feels like it's now or never, although that's certainly not true. Not being distracted by stress over money worries seems to be helping, too.
The hard part is getting it off the ground. I've got a decent idea for a story, and I know where I want to take it. I think my main problem is taking my time in getting there. I tend to rush ahead, thinking about what comes next, and then I realize I've whipped through a section that really should have had more detail, and then I stare at the screen for twenty minutes trying to figure out what to do about it. Maybe I need to think about it less like a whole story for now and more like my master's thesis and break it down chapter by chapter. I'm also pulling in a lot of my own experience with Rich's death, because I can't really seem to get around that, but it's not a memoir and it's not really based on what actually happened--more like what I desperately wished I had done and wanted to do. Striking that balance is tricky sometimes.
Anyway. I think it will be good. Or at least decent, because I am no fan of shitty writing, including my own, and I won't be responsible for more of it floating out in the world. I hope I finish it before next fall (not an arbitrary deadline, but a subject for another time). Here's to a creative winter.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Waiting for snowfall...
My tracking software/egotistical spying application tells me that a shit-ton of people have been to my site recently. Mainly for the pictures. Apparently when you give a blog post a title that involves a line out of a Gordon Lightfoot song, the hordes come a-knocking. Note: I am using the terms "shit-ton" and "hordes" very loosely and in comparison to the usual, western-Nebraska-population numbers that generally grace me with their readership.
Things are...well, they just are. I am struggling with some interpersonal conflict. On the upside, I have (and have to keep reminding myself that I have) really awesome people around who outnumber the less-awesome others, and who could totally kick their asses, if they were so inclined, which they are not because they are thoughtful and gentle people. But they could.
Anyway. I'm wondering what else I can do to boost my numbers. Pictures of boobs are always good, but I don't know if that's really the right direction for me. Anyone have any suggestions? What do you want to see/read about? Excitement? Adventure? That would turn this into a fictional endeavor, just to be clear. Or should I just continue with my mundane, self-indulgent, kind of boring blatherings? Cause I have that list, now, you know, and I've got to do this at least twice a month.
Things are...well, they just are. I am struggling with some interpersonal conflict. On the upside, I have (and have to keep reminding myself that I have) really awesome people around who outnumber the less-awesome others, and who could totally kick their asses, if they were so inclined, which they are not because they are thoughtful and gentle people. But they could.
Anyway. I'm wondering what else I can do to boost my numbers. Pictures of boobs are always good, but I don't know if that's really the right direction for me. Anyone have any suggestions? What do you want to see/read about? Excitement? Adventure? That would turn this into a fictional endeavor, just to be clear. Or should I just continue with my mundane, self-indulgent, kind of boring blatherings? Cause I have that list, now, you know, and I've got to do this at least twice a month.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
The Gales of November, or October, or whatever
So I've been in The Big Regional Hub for the past three days, doing my chemo certification class and a little bit of following the IV team this morning. I thought I would be doing more of a training, with practice and everything, with them, but when the lady (who had already yelled at me for disparities in our practice--for the record, according to the manufacturer of the device in question, she's wrong) said "You know you're not going to be starting any IVs, right?", I just nodded. Instead I watched, and tried not to get in the way, and unwittingly followed them to the Neuro ICU, which just happens to look damn near identical to the ICU in Boston Medical Center, into the same room per that layout that I spent way too much sad time in, and tried not to hyperventilate. I also got told that we in Ashland are doing most things all wrong, as is becoming the custom for my training up here. I was happy to leave at noon. But at least I got my chemo certification, and three nights at the Sheraton, out of it.
The huge storm showed up sometime Monday night, and I have to say, I really love storms. I especially love storms on Lake Superior. Evidently parts of the lake, nowhere near us, had waves over 25 feet. Awesome. I would pay a lot of money to be able to watch something like this
all day long. I wouldn't want to be out in a canoe on it or anything, but on land at a barely-safe distance? Hell yeah. I've always been in love with the lake, ever since I first saw it as a kid, and a big part of that is due to its potential for this level of scary amazingness. A lot of people have no clue what Superior's really like. Here it is.
Photo from SymonSez blog (googling "Lake Superior waves")
The huge storm showed up sometime Monday night, and I have to say, I really love storms. I especially love storms on Lake Superior. Evidently parts of the lake, nowhere near us, had waves over 25 feet. Awesome. I would pay a lot of money to be able to watch something like this
all day long. I wouldn't want to be out in a canoe on it or anything, but on land at a barely-safe distance? Hell yeah. I've always been in love with the lake, ever since I first saw it as a kid, and a big part of that is due to its potential for this level of scary amazingness. A lot of people have no clue what Superior's really like. Here it is.Photo from SymonSez blog (googling "Lake Superior waves")
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Post-Equinox
For the first time in a long time, I can't wait for winter. I don't know if it's my advancing age or living here in the north amongst the wilderness and hippies, but I'm getting that whole "in-tune-with-the-seasons" thing going.
This summer was a little exhausting. I really should be smacked for saying that, since I didn't work until August, but it just felt really hectic. And then once I did start working, it felt like Kevin and I were always, always busy. We'd plan on a stay-at-home weekend, then something would come up here, another thing would come up there, and before we knew it our schedule was full. Don't get me wrong, we had fun and I'm so, so glad we have made so many wonderful friends up here, but I am dying for a quiet, snowed-in weekend, just us and some movies and craft projects.
Work is going well, I suppose. I'm starting to get IVs down, although today I tried to start an IV on someone who apparently has concrete coating his veins. When I finally gave up and pulled out the catheter (the needle doesn't stay in, it's just to get through the skin and hopefully the vein), there was no blood on it and it looked like I had jammed it into the wall. Mad skills, yo. But my success rate is slowly improving. I'm trying to keep telling myself to give myself a year to get comfortable in my job--I'm a new nurse, it's a tough specialty--but I'm not great about being patient with myself. I do my chemo certification at the end of the month and once I start doing chemo as well, I'm sure my comfort level will plummet again. But I've got great teachers working with me.
I'll switch to part-time once I'm done training, probably some time in November. It will be awesome to get that extra time back, especially as we start working on the house, but I'm worried about the drop in income. My full-time nurse's paycheck has been pretty nice. But we'll manage. We know how to live poor, and it's only uphill from there. And Kevin has a fantastic job that he absolutely loves, working for a really great guy who builds and restores fine wooden boats. So we're pretty solid, all in all.
I know this is incredibly sappy and unlike me, but I often kind of marvel at how lucky we've been, to move up to this little economically depressed town in rural northern Wisconsin and both find really good jobs right out of school. I think we're definitely home, our little family with our dog and cats. Especially doing what I do, I know that lightning can strike any time and the odds are decent that someday, hopefully a long time from now, it will. But right here and right now, we're happy. Perfection? No, but for now it's pretty damn good.
This summer was a little exhausting. I really should be smacked for saying that, since I didn't work until August, but it just felt really hectic. And then once I did start working, it felt like Kevin and I were always, always busy. We'd plan on a stay-at-home weekend, then something would come up here, another thing would come up there, and before we knew it our schedule was full. Don't get me wrong, we had fun and I'm so, so glad we have made so many wonderful friends up here, but I am dying for a quiet, snowed-in weekend, just us and some movies and craft projects.
Work is going well, I suppose. I'm starting to get IVs down, although today I tried to start an IV on someone who apparently has concrete coating his veins. When I finally gave up and pulled out the catheter (the needle doesn't stay in, it's just to get through the skin and hopefully the vein), there was no blood on it and it looked like I had jammed it into the wall. Mad skills, yo. But my success rate is slowly improving. I'm trying to keep telling myself to give myself a year to get comfortable in my job--I'm a new nurse, it's a tough specialty--but I'm not great about being patient with myself. I do my chemo certification at the end of the month and once I start doing chemo as well, I'm sure my comfort level will plummet again. But I've got great teachers working with me.
I'll switch to part-time once I'm done training, probably some time in November. It will be awesome to get that extra time back, especially as we start working on the house, but I'm worried about the drop in income. My full-time nurse's paycheck has been pretty nice. But we'll manage. We know how to live poor, and it's only uphill from there. And Kevin has a fantastic job that he absolutely loves, working for a really great guy who builds and restores fine wooden boats. So we're pretty solid, all in all.
I know this is incredibly sappy and unlike me, but I often kind of marvel at how lucky we've been, to move up to this little economically depressed town in rural northern Wisconsin and both find really good jobs right out of school. I think we're definitely home, our little family with our dog and cats. Especially doing what I do, I know that lightning can strike any time and the odds are decent that someday, hopefully a long time from now, it will. But right here and right now, we're happy. Perfection? No, but for now it's pretty damn good.
Friday, September 24, 2010
TCB, yo
Now that I am employed and no longer living the life of a layabout and good-time Charlie, I'm realizing a couple of things:
1. My free time has become much more precious
2. I need to stop wasting so much of it in order to do the things I really want to do
3. This working thing kind of sucks.
Obviously, I already knew about #3, due to the fact that I have, indeed, worked before. But damn, I enjoyed the schedule of a student. That's 90% of the reason I started that PhD back in the day--too bad that wasn't enough to put up with the bitchiness of academia. And honestly, I knew about #1 and #2 before too, and I've long been putting in half-hearted efforts toward using my time more wisely.
Kevin and I have talked about this quite a bit, and we decided to get rid of our satellite TV. In the northwoods area, this means we can't watch TV at all. It's been surprisingly easy to adjust and the only thing I really miss is watching the news in the morning before work. NPR has filled that gap in to some extent, and it's worth it to know that we will never again blow an entire exceptionally lazy and ill-advised evening watching a 2-hr season recap of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey", despite never having watched, nor having any interest in watching, the show itself.
However, the loss of the ability to get sucked into an evening of "Seinfeld" reruns has not quite had the transformative effect on my goals and focus as I might have hoped. I'm on the Internet less and that helps too, but I decided that what I really needed to do was the 101 Things in 1001 Days project. If you haven't heard of it, it's pretty self-explanatory. If you want more info, google it. I ain't wikipedia.
I've just about completed my list. Some of it's pretty lofty, much of it is fairly mundane. My deadline is June 11, 2013. Below is the list, with an explanation if it's suitable; the stuff that's too personal to share just has a dash in its place. These are supposed to be quantifiable goals, but not all of them are. I figure I'll know when/if I've accomplished them.
1. Study mythology. I've been interested in this for a long time, and it's such a cool way to learn about other cultures. Everyone knows about the Greeks, and a lot of us know the Norse stuff, but how about African? Indonesian? Australian Aboriginal?
2. Learn a new language. I don't know that fluency is realistic, but at least some halting conversational Spanish or French would be nice.
3. Get my Norwegian fluency back. It is shameful how much I've lost, but I know it will come back quickly with a little study.
4. Develop a yoga practice. I'd like to be able to do this on my own, at home, but some classes may be necessary.
5. Pay off at least 1/2 of my credit card debt. Goddamn credit cards.
6. Write a novel. I've got an awesome idea for this, somewhat autobiographical but cooler.
7. Read at least 30 new books. Doesn't sound like much, but it's a good amount and attainable.
8. Get 2/3 of the way through midwifery school. Planning on starting next fall.
9. Finish redo of house interior. We're doing almost every room--ceilings, floors and paint.
10. Knit or crochet one non-accessory item of clothing. Scarves don't count.
11. Find a sport or athletic activity I enjoy and can/will keep doing. Not sure what yet.
12. Go out to the ice caves/sea caves. They're the same thing, just different seasons and walking vs. kayaking. I haven't made it out there yet.
13. Take at least ten pictures a month.
14. Shoot 2 rolls of black-and-white on the A1 every 6 months. Oh, how I love my Canon A1 SLR. It was made in the 60s and has never let me down. I hardly ever use it anymore and I miss photography.
15. Become skilled at IV starts. This is currently kicking my ass. And I don't do well with not doing well.
16. Take a road trip to a different part of the country with Kevin.
17. Become a parent.
18. Attend 5 births. I hope this one works out. I want to have doula-ing be a bigger part of my life.
19. Buy as much food as possible locally. This is getting to be a big issue for me. I think sustainable agriculture is really important, and I want to support it.
20. Create low-care but filled-out flower gardens. Trying to make this house nicer inside and out.
21. Have a successful vegetable garden that produces enough to store.
22. Make different kinds of bread once every month.
23. Study Anishinaabe (Ojibwe) spirituality. I have to confess, I feel very drawn to this. And I'm also very self-conscious and not wanting to be the asshole white girl who co-opts a spiritual practice she thinks is cool. I have good people to help me find my way along the road.
24. Learn the history of this area. I think it's important to know something about the place you live.
25. Enjoy my job as it is, without focusing only on moving on to midwifery. I have a great job. It's not where my heart is, but there is a lot to love about it and I need to appreciate it without just thinking about moving on to the next thing.
26. ---
27. Organize my photos and photo albums. They could currently be described as "a clusterfuck"
28. Catch a walleye.
29. Donate money to 4 different charities. Now that we are not incredibly poor, I want to get in this habit.
30. Go to all of the Apostle Islands.
31. Canoe on the Brule
32. Camp at Amnicon Falls State Park. Not even an hour from here, and it's beautiful.
33. Go to the Keweenaw Peninsula. In the UP. Everyone says it's gorgeous.
34. Stop picking my cuticles. This may prove to be the hardest item on this list.
35. Frame all of our pictures waiting for frames.
36. Make a quilt. A cool one.
37. Stencil a shirt and a skirt. Just a fun project.
38. Make wine.
39.---
40. Make sausage. Sure, it's a little odd, but why not?
41. No gossiping for 2 weeks. I'd like to get out of it entirely, but let's be realistic. Cutting down is a good thing either way.
42. No bitching for a week. Negativity is affecting me more and more as I get older.
43. Learn the constellations.
44. Develop a closer friendship with ---. Just a cool lady I know and like and would like to know better.
45. Take bellydancing classes. I took one before and it's so much fun!
46. ---
47. ---
48. See "Citizen Kane". No, I haven't yet.
49. Focus on the patients, not the workplace. I'm doing this job for them, not the job itself.
50. Get birthday cards out on time.
51. ---
52. Read a book of Mary Oliver poems. I really like the stuff of hers I've read and want to read more.
53. Read Rumi.
54. Go see the Paulding Lights. Google it. They're spooooky.
55. Get up in the middle of the night for a meteor shower.
56. Read "Infinite Jest".
57. Get the 13th Floor Elevators album. Meant to for a long time now.
58. Learn to identify trees.
59. Drink tea 5 times a week. It's good for you.
60. Get Carl Kasell's voice on my home answering machine. If you know, you know, if not, well, you'll have to wait and see.
61. Use the Rollei 3 times. This is Rich's old camera, and it takes really neat pictures and is fun to use.
62. Make a felted hat.
63. ---
64. Learn to make muhammara. It's a roasted red pepper dip and it is delicious. Also it sounds like "hummina hummina."
65. Alter the men's t-shirts I have sitting around. I alter men's shirts to fit my shape and they are super-flattering. It's just a matter of getting it done.
66. Get to know my siblings and their partners better. We've never been close, but they're all pretty cool.
67. Get to know Kevin's brother and his wife better.
68. Hang out with Kevin's cousins. They are fun and interesting people.
69. Learn reiki/healing touch therapy.
70. Blog at least twice a month. Here's one down for September 2010.
71. Learn to competently cross-country ski. As of right now, it is a comedy show.
72. Ski the Book Across the Bay. A nighttime candlelit race from Ashland to Washburn, ending, as so many things in Wisconsin do, in a tent with beer and brats.
73. Replace my non-stick pans with cast iron. The more I hear about Teflon, the more it freaks me out as a cooking material.
74. Finish crocheting my bag of plastic bags. Trust me, it's really cool.
75. Make art/use the things in my craft dresser. I have a dresser full of arts and craft project materials, and they have sat there mostly unused for too long.
76. Buy at least 2 pieces of original art.
77. Spend a couple of hours in one of the used bookstores around here every 6 months. Even if I don't buy anything.
78. Make the project for our 5th anniversary. It's a secret, but it's going to be awesome.
79. Train Shane really well. He's mostly a good boy, but he could use some fine-tuning.
80. Go to the Delta Diner. Awesome restaurant 1/2 hour from here. This will probably happen tomorrow, actually.
81. Get to know --. Another really cool lady that I don't know very well, but want to know better.
82. Spend time with the --s. A couple that we both like a lot. They live kind of far away but it would be worth it to develop more of a friendship with them.
83. Camp on Lake Superior. Like, right on the beach. Doesn't matter where.
84. Take an overnight backpacking trip. I have never done this.
85. Make it to 10 doula meetings a year. And I missed this month's, just this past Monday.
86. Follow through on the things I agree to do. Instead of crapping out largely due to sheer laziness.
87. Talk to B- 4 times a year. One of my oldest friends, and we average twice a year. It should be more.
88. Sew myself 3 items of clothing from scratch.
89. Watch "Deadwood". People tell me it's really good. We'll see about that.
90. Have a date night with Kevin every other week. Even if it's just cards at the Black Cat, I think it's important for us to get out of the house.
91. Go to Madison at least once a year. I miss it.
92. Take the canoe out at least 4 times each season.
93. Learn to identify birds.
94. Have a party. Maybe when the house is done, to show it off?
95. Save at least $5000 in personal savings.
96. ---
97. Send out Christmas cards. I never get around to it.
98. Go to Long Lake. Again, very close to here, supposed to be very nice, never been there.
99. Go hiking in the Chequamegon National Forest.
100. Swim in Lake Superior at least 5 times every summer. Unless it's a freakishly cold summer, because I'm not into torture.
101. Recognize that having a list of goals does not make me an advanced person and refrain from becoming a pain in the ass about this.
That's it. My next 990 (cause I made this list last week) or so days in a nutshell. Here we go.
1. My free time has become much more precious
2. I need to stop wasting so much of it in order to do the things I really want to do
3. This working thing kind of sucks.
Obviously, I already knew about #3, due to the fact that I have, indeed, worked before. But damn, I enjoyed the schedule of a student. That's 90% of the reason I started that PhD back in the day--too bad that wasn't enough to put up with the bitchiness of academia. And honestly, I knew about #1 and #2 before too, and I've long been putting in half-hearted efforts toward using my time more wisely.
Kevin and I have talked about this quite a bit, and we decided to get rid of our satellite TV. In the northwoods area, this means we can't watch TV at all. It's been surprisingly easy to adjust and the only thing I really miss is watching the news in the morning before work. NPR has filled that gap in to some extent, and it's worth it to know that we will never again blow an entire exceptionally lazy and ill-advised evening watching a 2-hr season recap of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey", despite never having watched, nor having any interest in watching, the show itself.
However, the loss of the ability to get sucked into an evening of "Seinfeld" reruns has not quite had the transformative effect on my goals and focus as I might have hoped. I'm on the Internet less and that helps too, but I decided that what I really needed to do was the 101 Things in 1001 Days project. If you haven't heard of it, it's pretty self-explanatory. If you want more info, google it. I ain't wikipedia.
I've just about completed my list. Some of it's pretty lofty, much of it is fairly mundane. My deadline is June 11, 2013. Below is the list, with an explanation if it's suitable; the stuff that's too personal to share just has a dash in its place. These are supposed to be quantifiable goals, but not all of them are. I figure I'll know when/if I've accomplished them.
1. Study mythology. I've been interested in this for a long time, and it's such a cool way to learn about other cultures. Everyone knows about the Greeks, and a lot of us know the Norse stuff, but how about African? Indonesian? Australian Aboriginal?
2. Learn a new language. I don't know that fluency is realistic, but at least some halting conversational Spanish or French would be nice.
3. Get my Norwegian fluency back. It is shameful how much I've lost, but I know it will come back quickly with a little study.
4. Develop a yoga practice. I'd like to be able to do this on my own, at home, but some classes may be necessary.
5. Pay off at least 1/2 of my credit card debt. Goddamn credit cards.
6. Write a novel. I've got an awesome idea for this, somewhat autobiographical but cooler.
7. Read at least 30 new books. Doesn't sound like much, but it's a good amount and attainable.
8. Get 2/3 of the way through midwifery school. Planning on starting next fall.
9. Finish redo of house interior. We're doing almost every room--ceilings, floors and paint.
10. Knit or crochet one non-accessory item of clothing. Scarves don't count.
11. Find a sport or athletic activity I enjoy and can/will keep doing. Not sure what yet.
12. Go out to the ice caves/sea caves. They're the same thing, just different seasons and walking vs. kayaking. I haven't made it out there yet.
13. Take at least ten pictures a month.
14. Shoot 2 rolls of black-and-white on the A1 every 6 months. Oh, how I love my Canon A1 SLR. It was made in the 60s and has never let me down. I hardly ever use it anymore and I miss photography.
15. Become skilled at IV starts. This is currently kicking my ass. And I don't do well with not doing well.
16. Take a road trip to a different part of the country with Kevin.
17. Become a parent.
18. Attend 5 births. I hope this one works out. I want to have doula-ing be a bigger part of my life.
19. Buy as much food as possible locally. This is getting to be a big issue for me. I think sustainable agriculture is really important, and I want to support it.
20. Create low-care but filled-out flower gardens. Trying to make this house nicer inside and out.
21. Have a successful vegetable garden that produces enough to store.
22. Make different kinds of bread once every month.
23. Study Anishinaabe (Ojibwe) spirituality. I have to confess, I feel very drawn to this. And I'm also very self-conscious and not wanting to be the asshole white girl who co-opts a spiritual practice she thinks is cool. I have good people to help me find my way along the road.
24. Learn the history of this area. I think it's important to know something about the place you live.
25. Enjoy my job as it is, without focusing only on moving on to midwifery. I have a great job. It's not where my heart is, but there is a lot to love about it and I need to appreciate it without just thinking about moving on to the next thing.
26. ---
27. Organize my photos and photo albums. They could currently be described as "a clusterfuck"
28. Catch a walleye.
29. Donate money to 4 different charities. Now that we are not incredibly poor, I want to get in this habit.
30. Go to all of the Apostle Islands.
31. Canoe on the Brule
32. Camp at Amnicon Falls State Park. Not even an hour from here, and it's beautiful.
33. Go to the Keweenaw Peninsula. In the UP. Everyone says it's gorgeous.
34. Stop picking my cuticles. This may prove to be the hardest item on this list.
35. Frame all of our pictures waiting for frames.
36. Make a quilt. A cool one.
37. Stencil a shirt and a skirt. Just a fun project.
38. Make wine.
39.---
40. Make sausage. Sure, it's a little odd, but why not?
41. No gossiping for 2 weeks. I'd like to get out of it entirely, but let's be realistic. Cutting down is a good thing either way.
42. No bitching for a week. Negativity is affecting me more and more as I get older.
43. Learn the constellations.
44. Develop a closer friendship with ---. Just a cool lady I know and like and would like to know better.
45. Take bellydancing classes. I took one before and it's so much fun!
46. ---
47. ---
48. See "Citizen Kane". No, I haven't yet.
49. Focus on the patients, not the workplace. I'm doing this job for them, not the job itself.
50. Get birthday cards out on time.
51. ---
52. Read a book of Mary Oliver poems. I really like the stuff of hers I've read and want to read more.
53. Read Rumi.
54. Go see the Paulding Lights. Google it. They're spooooky.
55. Get up in the middle of the night for a meteor shower.
56. Read "Infinite Jest".
57. Get the 13th Floor Elevators album. Meant to for a long time now.
58. Learn to identify trees.
59. Drink tea 5 times a week. It's good for you.
60. Get Carl Kasell's voice on my home answering machine. If you know, you know, if not, well, you'll have to wait and see.
61. Use the Rollei 3 times. This is Rich's old camera, and it takes really neat pictures and is fun to use.
62. Make a felted hat.
63. ---
64. Learn to make muhammara. It's a roasted red pepper dip and it is delicious. Also it sounds like "hummina hummina."
65. Alter the men's t-shirts I have sitting around. I alter men's shirts to fit my shape and they are super-flattering. It's just a matter of getting it done.
66. Get to know my siblings and their partners better. We've never been close, but they're all pretty cool.
67. Get to know Kevin's brother and his wife better.
68. Hang out with Kevin's cousins. They are fun and interesting people.
69. Learn reiki/healing touch therapy.
70. Blog at least twice a month. Here's one down for September 2010.
71. Learn to competently cross-country ski. As of right now, it is a comedy show.
72. Ski the Book Across the Bay. A nighttime candlelit race from Ashland to Washburn, ending, as so many things in Wisconsin do, in a tent with beer and brats.
73. Replace my non-stick pans with cast iron. The more I hear about Teflon, the more it freaks me out as a cooking material.
74. Finish crocheting my bag of plastic bags. Trust me, it's really cool.
75. Make art/use the things in my craft dresser. I have a dresser full of arts and craft project materials, and they have sat there mostly unused for too long.
76. Buy at least 2 pieces of original art.
77. Spend a couple of hours in one of the used bookstores around here every 6 months. Even if I don't buy anything.
78. Make the project for our 5th anniversary. It's a secret, but it's going to be awesome.
79. Train Shane really well. He's mostly a good boy, but he could use some fine-tuning.
80. Go to the Delta Diner. Awesome restaurant 1/2 hour from here. This will probably happen tomorrow, actually.
81. Get to know --. Another really cool lady that I don't know very well, but want to know better.
82. Spend time with the --s. A couple that we both like a lot. They live kind of far away but it would be worth it to develop more of a friendship with them.
83. Camp on Lake Superior. Like, right on the beach. Doesn't matter where.
84. Take an overnight backpacking trip. I have never done this.
85. Make it to 10 doula meetings a year. And I missed this month's, just this past Monday.
86. Follow through on the things I agree to do. Instead of crapping out largely due to sheer laziness.
87. Talk to B- 4 times a year. One of my oldest friends, and we average twice a year. It should be more.
88. Sew myself 3 items of clothing from scratch.
89. Watch "Deadwood". People tell me it's really good. We'll see about that.
90. Have a date night with Kevin every other week. Even if it's just cards at the Black Cat, I think it's important for us to get out of the house.
91. Go to Madison at least once a year. I miss it.
92. Take the canoe out at least 4 times each season.
93. Learn to identify birds.
94. Have a party. Maybe when the house is done, to show it off?
95. Save at least $5000 in personal savings.
96. ---
97. Send out Christmas cards. I never get around to it.
98. Go to Long Lake. Again, very close to here, supposed to be very nice, never been there.
99. Go hiking in the Chequamegon National Forest.
100. Swim in Lake Superior at least 5 times every summer. Unless it's a freakishly cold summer, because I'm not into torture.
101. Recognize that having a list of goals does not make me an advanced person and refrain from becoming a pain in the ass about this.
That's it. My next 990 (cause I made this list last week) or so days in a nutshell. Here we go.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Shirley Sherrod
This woman has gotten royally screwed, and it's a national disgrace. If you don't know who I'm talking about, you're probably not much for paying attention to the news. Understandable, I say, when the news is so full of information that makes one a little bit stabby. Regardless, Shirley Sherrod used to be the Georgia State Director of Rural Development at the USDA. She held that post until the useless piece of human excrement over at biggovernment.com decided it would be just awesome to cut video of a speech she made at the NAACP back in the 1980s to make it seem as if she was bragging about withholding assistance to white farmers (Ms. Sherrod is black), post it, and make sure Fox News got its subhuman little hands on it. From there it was a short trip to mainstream media and the government, who demanded her resignation, calling her on her BlackBerry to let her know her career was over, and telling her she needed to pull over to the side of the road so that she could email in her resignation ASAP.
Okay, deep breath. If this woman had actually been boasting about being a racist, and had followed up her statement of "I did not give (a white farmer) the full force of what I could do," with "I told that cracker to go fuck himself!", then yes, she should have lost her job. But, oh, hey, she wasn't standing in front of the NAACP regaling members with her bigoted shenanigans, she was telling a story about how she learned to overcome her own prejudices and recognize that white farmers were as deserving of help as black farmers (by the way, those prejudices may have been formed when her father was murdered by a white man who was acquitted, despite overwhelming evidence, by a white jury. It's a possibility).
And it might be easy to see why people got so upset about this and jumped the gun, except for a couple of issues. One, you would have to be a combination of crazy and stupid to think that the edited clip was the extent of the point she was making. I've seen it, and she is clearly making a bigger point than "I don't like white people"; there is quite obviously more to the story she is telling.
Two, you would have to be lazy as fuck to take the word of an anti-government Tea Party blogger, and run with the bait he so carefully laid out, rather than, oh, I don't know, practice a little journalism, a little research, and see what the entire speech said. No one should ever take the word of any blogger, including me. Look it up for yourself and get your own accurate and reliable information before you open your cakehole. Blogs are free and easy to set up, and having one only guarantees that the blogger can type and navigate the Internet. That's all. Everyone in the media, as well as the government, should be good and goddamned ashamed of themselves for being such a bunch of unquestioning, let-others-do-the-work-for-you suckers. I'm amazed they're not all broke from sending their bank account numbers to deposed Nigerian princes.
And three, the fact that so many people blindly accepted this pile of crap as true shows their own racism, in that they think that such an open statement of bigotry would be par for the course at an NAACP meeting, as if such gatherings are all about celebrating situations when they were able to stick it to Whitey. This may be the most depressing point of all. The NAACP is far from perfect, but the assumption of inherent racism in their organization, and the antagonism between the races that has been teased out of this whole fucked up story makes it abundantly clear that we are nowhere near the "post-racial society" that all of the idiots on CNN and MSNBC were crowing about on Inauguration Day.
Okay, deep breath. If this woman had actually been boasting about being a racist, and had followed up her statement of "I did not give (a white farmer) the full force of what I could do," with "I told that cracker to go fuck himself!", then yes, she should have lost her job. But, oh, hey, she wasn't standing in front of the NAACP regaling members with her bigoted shenanigans, she was telling a story about how she learned to overcome her own prejudices and recognize that white farmers were as deserving of help as black farmers (by the way, those prejudices may have been formed when her father was murdered by a white man who was acquitted, despite overwhelming evidence, by a white jury. It's a possibility).
And it might be easy to see why people got so upset about this and jumped the gun, except for a couple of issues. One, you would have to be a combination of crazy and stupid to think that the edited clip was the extent of the point she was making. I've seen it, and she is clearly making a bigger point than "I don't like white people"; there is quite obviously more to the story she is telling.
Two, you would have to be lazy as fuck to take the word of an anti-government Tea Party blogger, and run with the bait he so carefully laid out, rather than, oh, I don't know, practice a little journalism, a little research, and see what the entire speech said. No one should ever take the word of any blogger, including me. Look it up for yourself and get your own accurate and reliable information before you open your cakehole. Blogs are free and easy to set up, and having one only guarantees that the blogger can type and navigate the Internet. That's all. Everyone in the media, as well as the government, should be good and goddamned ashamed of themselves for being such a bunch of unquestioning, let-others-do-the-work-for-you suckers. I'm amazed they're not all broke from sending their bank account numbers to deposed Nigerian princes.
And three, the fact that so many people blindly accepted this pile of crap as true shows their own racism, in that they think that such an open statement of bigotry would be par for the course at an NAACP meeting, as if such gatherings are all about celebrating situations when they were able to stick it to Whitey. This may be the most depressing point of all. The NAACP is far from perfect, but the assumption of inherent racism in their organization, and the antagonism between the races that has been teased out of this whole fucked up story makes it abundantly clear that we are nowhere near the "post-racial society" that all of the idiots on CNN and MSNBC were crowing about on Inauguration Day.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Cobwebs? What cobwebs?
I'm pretty sure any readers I did have gave up long ago. I can't blame them, seeing as how this blog has been left all forlorn and outdated. It's like the online, self-indulgent version of a foreclosed house with nests of squirrels in the rumpus room, or possibly Eden Prairie Center, circa 1996--I hear it's been somewhat revitalized now, though.
I won't even pretend that I've been busy. I've been a freaking housewife for the last two months. Not a bad gig, really, save for the humiliating poverty and the guilt of watching Kevin commute 45 minutes each way to work a stressful job with crappy pay. But hey, he hasn't had to vacuum or wash dishes in two months, so it's been a tradeoff for him.
Somehow, in the midst of all of my floor-scrubbing and laundry--okay, and gardening, reading, developing a half-assed workout regime, and dicking around on the Internet--I found time to attend graduation ceremonies, study for and pass boards to get my RN license, and, oh yeah, GET A JOB THAT USES MY DEGREE!!!
A big part of me didn't think it would really happen, at least not this quickly. But it did, it totally did, and I'm so excited. Actually, getting this job is a big honor and I'm really lucky in a lot of ways. It's here in town, which in and of itself is huge--I was prepared to have to commute to Duluth, which would have sucked a whole lot. I will be working at the cancer center, a satellite clinic of a large Duluth-based medical center. Among other things, this means that I will get really good at starting IVs. I will also be working straight days, no weekends, no holidays; this is practically unheard of in nursing. And, best of all, I get to develop relationships with my patients and play an important role in their treatments and, hopefully, remission. I start in two weeks.
Not everything has been sunshine and butterflies. A friend died in April. I lost a friend, my wonderful friend and mentor lost the love of her life, and the community lost an incredible leader. It's been hard and we all miss him a great deal. He was one of those people who truly inspires you to be a better person, and everyone who knew him is a million times better for it. He was very involved in our doula group--not as a doula, but in the role he played for so many of us, as a spiritual and cultural adviser. Our doula group is also incredible, and we have been able to support each other through it (especially the people that particularly feel the loss), remember and honor him, and will continue to do so.
That was the big one, but there are always little things that keep everything from being perfect. Despite that, I am ridiculously happy right now. I have a kick-ass husband, really great friends, gainful employment, an awesome family, and I get to live in this gorgeous area where I can see the big lake every day. Because I'm me, a little part of me is wondering when the shoe's going to drop. But I was talking to a friend today and mentioned this, and she very wisely told me, "Yeah, I think it's inevitable to feel that way. But all you can do is enjoy it while it lasts." So I will.
I won't even pretend that I've been busy. I've been a freaking housewife for the last two months. Not a bad gig, really, save for the humiliating poverty and the guilt of watching Kevin commute 45 minutes each way to work a stressful job with crappy pay. But hey, he hasn't had to vacuum or wash dishes in two months, so it's been a tradeoff for him.
Somehow, in the midst of all of my floor-scrubbing and laundry--okay, and gardening, reading, developing a half-assed workout regime, and dicking around on the Internet--I found time to attend graduation ceremonies, study for and pass boards to get my RN license, and, oh yeah, GET A JOB THAT USES MY DEGREE!!!
A big part of me didn't think it would really happen, at least not this quickly. But it did, it totally did, and I'm so excited. Actually, getting this job is a big honor and I'm really lucky in a lot of ways. It's here in town, which in and of itself is huge--I was prepared to have to commute to Duluth, which would have sucked a whole lot. I will be working at the cancer center, a satellite clinic of a large Duluth-based medical center. Among other things, this means that I will get really good at starting IVs. I will also be working straight days, no weekends, no holidays; this is practically unheard of in nursing. And, best of all, I get to develop relationships with my patients and play an important role in their treatments and, hopefully, remission. I start in two weeks.
Not everything has been sunshine and butterflies. A friend died in April. I lost a friend, my wonderful friend and mentor lost the love of her life, and the community lost an incredible leader. It's been hard and we all miss him a great deal. He was one of those people who truly inspires you to be a better person, and everyone who knew him is a million times better for it. He was very involved in our doula group--not as a doula, but in the role he played for so many of us, as a spiritual and cultural adviser. Our doula group is also incredible, and we have been able to support each other through it (especially the people that particularly feel the loss), remember and honor him, and will continue to do so.
That was the big one, but there are always little things that keep everything from being perfect. Despite that, I am ridiculously happy right now. I have a kick-ass husband, really great friends, gainful employment, an awesome family, and I get to live in this gorgeous area where I can see the big lake every day. Because I'm me, a little part of me is wondering when the shoe's going to drop. But I was talking to a friend today and mentioned this, and she very wisely told me, "Yeah, I think it's inevitable to feel that way. But all you can do is enjoy it while it lasts." So I will.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
YOU FAIL!
It has not been a stellar week here in Nursing Student Land.
A little background: without trying to sound like an arrogant prick, I've developed, in the last year and a half of school, a reputation as "The Smart One". School has always come relatively easy for me, and nursing school has not been an exception. I have also worked pretty damn hard to learn as much as possible and develop my skills and knowledge base, because I want to be a good nurse. Would you want the nurse who skated through school taking care of you? Me neither. So I've pushed myself.
Clinicals have been stressful, but I've always gotten through them with relative ease and honestly surprised myself a little with how comfortable I've gotten. But. Now, in the final semester of school, clinicals are all business and intense and we are expected to be getting to the point of professional nurses in this 8-week rotation. And guess who made some significant fuck-ups this week?
Yesterday I went home early, after getting an hour of sleep, doing half-assed assessments, and informing my instructor I was not up to the task. I knew I wouldn't make any med errors simply because she was watching me and would stop me if I was about to do so, but I also knew I wasn't learning anything and she offered me the opportunity to make up the time instead of sleepwalking through the day. I was ultra-professional about it and cried. I cry over literally nothing when I'm trying to function on an hour of sleep.
Today, after ten hours of sleep, I felt great. I got my assessments and meds in on time, helped get one of my patients who was being discharged ready to leave, had a successful IV start, etc. My instructor explained to me the charting that had to be done for a discharge and I nodded and took notes. Then completely forgot to do it. I went home feeling pretty confident about my performance and the day I'd had, until checking my email and finding a note from my instructor. She had reviewed my charting after I left and wrote to tell me that since I hadn't completed the discharge charting that she had specifically told me to do, and had additionally missed some of the "safety" charting (hourly rounds completed, bed in low position, etc.), I would need to go back and do it, and I'd be getting an unsatisfactory grade for this week's clinical in documentation. Can't really argue with that.
So after swearing at myself a little, I went back to the hospital tonight to make the required entries. This misstep bothers me a lot, both on the personal-disappointment-in-myself level as well as just being embarrassing. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a huge deal. No one was in danger because of my charting inadequacies. But it still needed to be done, and it should have been done, and it was simple carelessness that it wasn't done. And it's not the part about getting in trouble that bothers me the most, but the fact that my ego, and my confidence, takes a huge hit when I fuck up. Which probably isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it blows nonetheless.
I'm not going to fail clinicals because of this, and I'm not in danger of failing clinicals generally. There are working RNs who work like this all the time. But I don't want to have another week like this, and I have to figure out how I'm going to organize myself to make sure I'm not missing assessments and charting and feeling like a flailing idiot. And I think the best way to start that, at this moment, is with a big glass of wine.
A little background: without trying to sound like an arrogant prick, I've developed, in the last year and a half of school, a reputation as "The Smart One". School has always come relatively easy for me, and nursing school has not been an exception. I have also worked pretty damn hard to learn as much as possible and develop my skills and knowledge base, because I want to be a good nurse. Would you want the nurse who skated through school taking care of you? Me neither. So I've pushed myself.
Clinicals have been stressful, but I've always gotten through them with relative ease and honestly surprised myself a little with how comfortable I've gotten. But. Now, in the final semester of school, clinicals are all business and intense and we are expected to be getting to the point of professional nurses in this 8-week rotation. And guess who made some significant fuck-ups this week?
Yesterday I went home early, after getting an hour of sleep, doing half-assed assessments, and informing my instructor I was not up to the task. I knew I wouldn't make any med errors simply because she was watching me and would stop me if I was about to do so, but I also knew I wasn't learning anything and she offered me the opportunity to make up the time instead of sleepwalking through the day. I was ultra-professional about it and cried. I cry over literally nothing when I'm trying to function on an hour of sleep.
Today, after ten hours of sleep, I felt great. I got my assessments and meds in on time, helped get one of my patients who was being discharged ready to leave, had a successful IV start, etc. My instructor explained to me the charting that had to be done for a discharge and I nodded and took notes. Then completely forgot to do it. I went home feeling pretty confident about my performance and the day I'd had, until checking my email and finding a note from my instructor. She had reviewed my charting after I left and wrote to tell me that since I hadn't completed the discharge charting that she had specifically told me to do, and had additionally missed some of the "safety" charting (hourly rounds completed, bed in low position, etc.), I would need to go back and do it, and I'd be getting an unsatisfactory grade for this week's clinical in documentation. Can't really argue with that.
So after swearing at myself a little, I went back to the hospital tonight to make the required entries. This misstep bothers me a lot, both on the personal-disappointment-in-myself level as well as just being embarrassing. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a huge deal. No one was in danger because of my charting inadequacies. But it still needed to be done, and it should have been done, and it was simple carelessness that it wasn't done. And it's not the part about getting in trouble that bothers me the most, but the fact that my ego, and my confidence, takes a huge hit when I fuck up. Which probably isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it blows nonetheless.
I'm not going to fail clinicals because of this, and I'm not in danger of failing clinicals generally. There are working RNs who work like this all the time. But I don't want to have another week like this, and I have to figure out how I'm going to organize myself to make sure I'm not missing assessments and charting and feeling like a flailing idiot. And I think the best way to start that, at this moment, is with a big glass of wine.
Friday, January 15, 2010
The Haters
So prominent "Christian" Pat Robertson has determined that the earthquake and consequent horrifying suffering in Haiti is due to their "pact with the devil", i.e. the voodoo ritual that was performed before the slave revolution in the early 1800s. I guess God would agree that revenge is a dish best served cold, according to the illustrious Rev.This man is a douchebag. And while he is being roundly condemned in the media and by many, many pastors and priests, I know that there are plenty of people who think he's right on.
Let me just say that I am not a fan of organized religion in general. I think that too often, it is used to justify hatred, violence, oppression and intolerance. I'm not opposed to Jesus, but I find many of his followers nauseating.
I don't claim to be an expert on the Bible, but I have read enough to know that Jesus was the original bleeding heart liberal. He talked a lot about kindness, caring for the poor, reaching out to those in need. He also, if I recall correctly, made it a point to say that one should not be talking shit about "God's Will" and taking it upon himself of herself to determine whose misfortune is a result of punishment for their wicked, wicked ways.
I am incredibly sick of people who split their time between proclaiming their superior Christian-ness and spewing hate. I know too many people like this and I want to punch them in the throat. Not very Christian of me, either, but then I'm not pretending to be the Supergirl of Holier Than Thou. As my mother likes to say, "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." How 'bout a little more "Love thy neighbor" and "Judge not, lest ye be judged", and a little less "Yer goin' to hell, sinner!" Just a thought.
And regarding Haiti, since no one ever comments here I have no idea how many readers I have. But I know I have 510 views on my profile, so someone's reading. I posted this link on Facebook this morning and I'll put it here too. Partners in Health has people and facilities already established and on the ground in Haiti, and they do really good work. I know that some people are running donation drives on their blogs, where they donate so much money for every comment they get. I wish I could do that, too, but I want to at least put this link up. I urge everyone to click on the link and donate, even if it's just $10. It adds up, and since PIH is already established, more of your money will go to the people who need it, rather than to setting up an infrastructure for the org. Thanks.
Photo taken from hotindienews.com
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Navel-gazing
It's time to compartmentalize a bit. I've been thinking about my blog lately, and I realized that I spend a lot of time talking about how things were "back in the day". And while there's nothing inherently wrong with this, I'm feeling like I need to try to focus myself more, and somehow that led to a second blog. So now I'm one of those people, with a blog for every individual purpose. But I like the idea of a blog dedicated to backstory, to all the swirling crap that has made me the person I am this very minute, all the good and bad. It's here. Which means if you're sick of my "back in the day" rambling, you can theoretically avoid them by not reading my other blog. Because I'm totally going to stay on topic from now on. Totally.
So here I am, four months from graduating nursing school. Holy shit, has it ever gone quickly. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I feel like I'm ready to be done. I know I'm ready to have a reasonable income. But sometimes I get overwhelmed by how much I still don't know. Which is really par for the course and to paraphrase a doctor I met recently, any graduating or new grad nurse who isn't overwhelmed by how much they don't know has their head up their ass. There's an awful lot to learn.
I'm still not worried about finding a job. I should be, but I'm not. I don't know if I'm hopelessly naive or determined to be an idiot, or if I'm right in having that faith. A lot of other people in my class are freaking out about it, they don't want to have to work in a nursing home but those are the best options around here. The hospital in town is small and rarely hires nurses. Rather than struggle for the few jobs in town, I've decided to just start my search in Duluth. It's an hour commute, but I'd get a lot more experience with more critical patients (regardless of my field) and learn a ton. We'll see how that pans out.
I'm so happy that I walked away from my degrees and my previous dreams. I was joking with someone recently that you turn 30 and have to choose money over your dreams, but in reality, my dreams have just changed. The life I thought I wanted, submersed in politics and foreign affairs on the East Coast, sounds so unappealing to me now. Fancypants academic discussions about conflict resolutions, complete with terms like "consociational", have moved to passionate discussions about whether and how we can get a birth center built in the area. I've gone from wanting to influence foreign policy to wanting to catch babies. It's such huge shift to have made in such a short time: just over five years ago I was a PhD student in Washington DC, and now I'm preparing to graduate technical college in Ashland, Wisconsin. And even if I wasn't totally satisfied with the way my life has turned out up til now, there is no denying that Lake Superior kicks the Tidal Basin's ass any day of the week.
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