TCB, yo

Now that I am employed and no longer living the life of a layabout and good-time Charlie, I'm realizing a couple of things:
1. My free time has become much more precious
2. I need to stop wasting so much of it in order to do the things I really want to do
3. This working thing kind of sucks.

Obviously, I already knew about #3, due to the fact that I have, indeed, worked before. But damn, I enjoyed the schedule of a student. That's 90% of the reason I started that PhD back in the day--too bad that wasn't enough to put up with the bitchiness of academia. And honestly, I knew about #1 and #2 before too, and I've long been putting in half-hearted efforts toward using my time more wisely.

Kevin and I have talked about this quite a bit, and we decided to get rid of our satellite TV. In the northwoods area, this means we can't watch TV at all. It's been surprisingly easy to adjust and the only thing I really miss is watching the news in the morning before work. NPR has filled that gap in to some extent, and it's worth it to know that we will never again blow an entire exceptionally lazy and ill-advised evening watching a 2-hr season recap of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey", despite never having watched, nor having any interest in watching, the show itself.

However, the loss of the ability to get sucked into an evening of "Seinfeld" reruns has not quite had the transformative effect on my goals and focus as I might have hoped. I'm on the Internet less and that helps too, but I decided that what I really needed to do was the 101 Things in 1001 Days project. If you haven't heard of it, it's pretty self-explanatory. If you want more info, google it. I ain't wikipedia.

I've just about completed my list. Some of it's pretty lofty, much of it is fairly mundane. My deadline is June 11, 2013. Below is the list, with an explanation if it's suitable; the stuff that's too personal to share just has a dash in its place. These are supposed to be quantifiable goals, but not all of them are. I figure I'll know when/if I've accomplished them.

1. Study mythology. I've been interested in this for a long time, and it's such a cool way to learn about other cultures. Everyone knows about the Greeks, and a lot of us know the Norse stuff, but how about African? Indonesian? Australian Aboriginal?
2. Learn a new language. I don't know that fluency is realistic, but at least some halting conversational Spanish or French would be nice.
3. Get my Norwegian fluency back. It is shameful how much I've lost, but I know it will come back quickly with a little study.
4. Develop a yoga practice. I'd like to be able to do this on my own, at home, but some classes may be necessary.
5. Pay off at least 1/2 of my credit card debt. Goddamn credit cards.
6. Write a novel. I've got an awesome idea for this, somewhat autobiographical but cooler.
7. Read at least 30 new books. Doesn't sound like much, but it's a good amount and attainable.
8. Get 2/3 of the way through midwifery school. Planning on starting next fall.
9. Finish redo of house interior. We're doing almost every room--ceilings, floors and paint.
10. Knit or crochet one non-accessory item of clothing. Scarves don't count.
11. Find a sport or athletic activity I enjoy and can/will keep doing. Not sure what yet.
12. Go out to the ice caves/sea caves. They're the same thing, just different seasons and walking vs. kayaking. I haven't made it out there yet.
13. Take at least ten pictures a month.
14. Shoot 2 rolls of black-and-white on the A1 every 6 months. Oh, how I love my Canon A1 SLR. It was made in the 60s and has never let me down. I hardly ever use it anymore and I miss photography.
15. Become skilled at IV starts. This is currently kicking my ass. And I don't do well with not doing well.
16. Take a road trip to a different part of the country with Kevin.
17. Become a parent.
18. Attend 5 births. I hope this one works out. I want to have doula-ing be a bigger part of my life.
19. Buy as much food as possible locally. This is getting to be a big issue for me. I think sustainable agriculture is really important, and I want to support it.
20. Create low-care but filled-out flower gardens. Trying to make this house nicer inside and out.
21. Have a successful vegetable garden that produces enough to store.
22. Make different kinds of bread once every month.
23. Study Anishinaabe (Ojibwe) spirituality. I have to confess, I feel very drawn to this. And I'm also very self-conscious and not wanting to be the asshole white girl who co-opts a spiritual practice she thinks is cool. I have good people to help me find my way along the road.
24. Learn the history of this area. I think it's important to know something about the place you live.
25. Enjoy my job as it is, without focusing only on moving on to midwifery. I have a great job. It's not where my heart is, but there is a lot to love about it and I need to appreciate it without just thinking about moving on to the next thing.
26. ---
27. Organize my photos and photo albums. They could currently be described as "a clusterfuck"
28. Catch a walleye.
29. Donate money to 4 different charities. Now that we are not incredibly poor, I want to get in this habit.
30. Go to all of the Apostle Islands.
31. Canoe on the Brule
32. Camp at Amnicon Falls State Park. Not even an hour from here, and it's beautiful.
33. Go to the Keweenaw Peninsula. In the UP. Everyone says it's gorgeous.
34. Stop picking my cuticles. This may prove to be the hardest item on this list.
35. Frame all of our pictures waiting for frames.
36. Make a quilt. A cool one.
37. Stencil a shirt and a skirt. Just a fun project.
38. Make wine.
39.---
40. Make sausage. Sure, it's a little odd, but why not?
41. No gossiping for 2 weeks. I'd like to get out of it entirely, but let's be realistic. Cutting down is a good thing either way.
42. No bitching for a week. Negativity is affecting me more and more as I get older.
43. Learn the constellations.
44. Develop a closer friendship with ---. Just a cool lady I know and like and would like to know better.
45. Take bellydancing classes. I took one before and it's so much fun!
46. ---
47. ---
48. See "Citizen Kane". No, I haven't yet.
49. Focus on the patients, not the workplace. I'm doing this job for them, not the job itself.
50. Get birthday cards out on time.
51. ---
52. Read a book of Mary Oliver poems. I really like the stuff of hers I've read and want to read more.
53. Read Rumi.
54. Go see the Paulding Lights. Google it. They're spooooky.
55. Get up in the middle of the night for a meteor shower.
56. Read "Infinite Jest".
57. Get the 13th Floor Elevators album. Meant to for a long time now.
58. Learn to identify trees.
59. Drink tea 5 times a week. It's good for you.
60. Get Carl Kasell's voice on my home answering machine. If you know, you know, if not, well, you'll have to wait and see.
61. Use the Rollei 3 times. This is Rich's old camera, and it takes really neat pictures and is fun to use.
62. Make a felted hat.
63. ---
64. Learn to make muhammara. It's a roasted red pepper dip and it is delicious. Also it sounds like "hummina hummina."
65. Alter the men's t-shirts I have sitting around. I alter men's shirts to fit my shape and they are super-flattering. It's just a matter of getting it done.
66. Get to know my siblings and their partners better. We've never been close, but they're all pretty cool.
67. Get to know Kevin's brother and his wife better.
68. Hang out with Kevin's cousins. They are fun and interesting people.
69. Learn reiki/healing touch therapy.
70. Blog at least twice a month. Here's one down for September 2010.
71. Learn to competently cross-country ski. As of right now, it is a comedy show.
72. Ski the Book Across the Bay. A nighttime candlelit race from Ashland to Washburn, ending, as so many things in Wisconsin do, in a tent with beer and brats.
73. Replace my non-stick pans with cast iron. The more I hear about Teflon, the more it freaks me out as a cooking material.
74. Finish crocheting my bag of plastic bags. Trust me, it's really cool.
75. Make art/use the things in my craft dresser. I have a dresser full of arts and craft project materials, and they have sat there mostly unused for too long.
76. Buy at least 2 pieces of original art.
77. Spend a couple of hours in one of the used bookstores around here every 6 months. Even if I don't buy anything.
78. Make the project for our 5th anniversary. It's a secret, but it's going to be awesome.
79. Train Shane really well. He's mostly a good boy, but he could use some fine-tuning.
80. Go to the Delta Diner. Awesome restaurant 1/2 hour from here. This will probably happen tomorrow, actually.
81. Get to know --. Another really cool lady that I don't know very well, but want to know better.
82. Spend time with the --s. A couple that we both like a lot. They live kind of far away but it would be worth it to develop more of a friendship with them.
83. Camp on Lake Superior. Like, right on the beach. Doesn't matter where.
84. Take an overnight backpacking trip. I have never done this.
85. Make it to 10 doula meetings a year. And I missed this month's, just this past Monday.
86. Follow through on the things I agree to do. Instead of crapping out largely due to sheer laziness.
87. Talk to B- 4 times a year. One of my oldest friends, and we average twice a year. It should be more.
88. Sew myself 3 items of clothing from scratch.
89. Watch "Deadwood". People tell me it's really good. We'll see about that.
90. Have a date night with Kevin every other week. Even if it's just cards at the Black Cat, I think it's important for us to get out of the house.
91. Go to Madison at least once a year. I miss it.
92. Take the canoe out at least 4 times each season.
93. Learn to identify birds.
94. Have a party. Maybe when the house is done, to show it off?
95. Save at least $5000 in personal savings.
96. ---
97. Send out Christmas cards. I never get around to it.
98. Go to Long Lake. Again, very close to here, supposed to be very nice, never been there.
99. Go hiking in the Chequamegon National Forest.
100. Swim in Lake Superior at least 5 times every summer. Unless it's a freakishly cold summer, because I'm not into torture.
101. Recognize that having a list of goals does not make me an advanced person and refrain from becoming a pain in the ass about this.

That's it. My next 990 (cause I made this list last week) or so days in a nutshell. Here we go.

Shirley Sherrod

This woman has gotten royally screwed, and it's a national disgrace. If you don't know who I'm talking about, you're probably not much for paying attention to the news. Understandable, I say, when the news is so full of information that makes one a little bit stabby. Regardless, Shirley Sherrod used to be the Georgia State Director of Rural Development at the USDA. She held that post until the useless piece of human excrement over at biggovernment.com decided it would be just awesome to cut video of a speech she made at the NAACP back in the 1980s to make it seem as if she was bragging about withholding assistance to white farmers (Ms. Sherrod is black), post it, and make sure Fox News got its subhuman little hands on it. From there it was a short trip to mainstream media and the government, who demanded her resignation, calling her on her BlackBerry to let her know her career was over, and telling her she needed to pull over to the side of the road so that she could email in her resignation ASAP.

Okay, deep breath. If this woman had actually been boasting about being a racist, and had followed up her statement of "I did not give (a white farmer) the full force of what I could do," with "I told that cracker to go fuck himself!", then yes, she should have lost her job. But, oh, hey, she wasn't standing in front of the NAACP regaling members with her bigoted shenanigans, she was telling a story about how she learned to overcome her own prejudices and recognize that white farmers were as deserving of help as black farmers (by the way, those prejudices may have been formed when her father was murdered by a white man who was acquitted, despite overwhelming evidence, by a white jury. It's a possibility).

And it might be easy to see why people got so upset about this and jumped the gun, except for a couple of issues. One, you would have to be a combination of crazy and stupid to think that the edited clip was the extent of the point she was making. I've seen it, and she is clearly making a bigger point than "I don't like white people"; there is quite obviously more to the story she is telling.

Two, you would have to be lazy as fuck to take the word of an anti-government Tea Party blogger, and run with the bait he so carefully laid out, rather than, oh, I don't know, practice a little journalism, a little research, and see what the entire speech said. No one should ever take the word of any blogger, including me. Look it up for yourself and get your own accurate and reliable information before you open your cakehole. Blogs are free and easy to set up, and having one only guarantees that the blogger can type and navigate the Internet. That's all. Everyone in the media, as well as the government, should be good and goddamned ashamed of themselves for being such a bunch of unquestioning, let-others-do-the-work-for-you suckers. I'm amazed they're not all broke from sending their bank account numbers to deposed Nigerian princes.

And three, the fact that so many people blindly accepted this pile of crap as true shows their own racism, in that they think that such an open statement of bigotry would be par for the course at an NAACP meeting, as if such gatherings are all about celebrating situations when they were able to stick it to Whitey. This may be the most depressing point of all. The NAACP is far from perfect, but the assumption of inherent racism in their organization, and the antagonism between the races that has been teased out of this whole fucked up story makes it abundantly clear that we are nowhere near the "post-racial society" that all of the idiots on CNN and MSNBC were crowing about on Inauguration Day.

Cobwebs? What cobwebs?

I'm pretty sure any readers I did have gave up long ago. I can't blame them, seeing as how this blog has been left all forlorn and outdated. It's like the online, self-indulgent version of a foreclosed house with nests of squirrels in the rumpus room, or possibly Eden Prairie Center, circa 1996--I hear it's been somewhat revitalized now, though.

I won't even pretend that I've been busy. I've been a freaking housewife for the last two months. Not a bad gig, really, save for the humiliating poverty and the guilt of watching Kevin commute 45 minutes each way to work a stressful job with crappy pay. But hey, he hasn't had to vacuum or wash dishes in two months, so it's been a tradeoff for him.

Somehow, in the midst of all of my floor-scrubbing and laundry--okay, and gardening, reading, developing a half-assed workout regime, and dicking around on the Internet--I found time to attend graduation ceremonies, study for and pass boards to get my RN license, and, oh yeah, GET A JOB THAT USES MY DEGREE!!!

A big part of me didn't think it would really happen, at least not this quickly. But it did, it totally did, and I'm so excited. Actually, getting this job is a big honor and I'm really lucky in a lot of ways. It's here in town, which in and of itself is huge--I was prepared to have to commute to Duluth, which would have sucked a whole lot. I will be working at the cancer center, a satellite clinic of a large Duluth-based medical center. Among other things, this means that I will get really good at starting IVs. I will also be working straight days, no weekends, no holidays; this is practically unheard of in nursing. And, best of all, I get to develop relationships with my patients and play an important role in their treatments and, hopefully, remission. I start in two weeks.

Not everything has been sunshine and butterflies. A friend died in April. I lost a friend, my wonderful friend and mentor lost the love of her life, and the community lost an incredible leader. It's been hard and we all miss him a great deal. He was one of those people who truly inspires you to be a better person, and everyone who knew him is a million times better for it. He was very involved in our doula group--not as a doula, but in the role he played for so many of us, as a spiritual and cultural adviser. Our doula group is also incredible, and we have been able to support each other through it (especially the people that particularly feel the loss), remember and honor him, and will continue to do so.

That was the big one, but there are always little things that keep everything from being perfect. Despite that, I am ridiculously happy right now. I have a kick-ass husband, really great friends, gainful employment, an awesome family, and I get to live in this gorgeous area where I can see the big lake every day. Because I'm me, a little part of me is wondering when the shoe's going to drop. But I was talking to a friend today and mentioned this, and she very wisely told me, "Yeah, I think it's inevitable to feel that way. But all you can do is enjoy it while it lasts." So I will.

YOU FAIL!

It has not been a stellar week here in Nursing Student Land.

A little background: without trying to sound like an arrogant prick, I've developed, in the last year and a half of school, a reputation as "The Smart One". School has always come relatively easy for me, and nursing school has not been an exception. I have also worked pretty damn hard to learn as much as possible and develop my skills and knowledge base, because I want to be a good nurse. Would you want the nurse who skated through school taking care of you? Me neither. So I've pushed myself.

Clinicals have been stressful, but I've always gotten through them with relative ease and honestly surprised myself a little with how comfortable I've gotten. But. Now, in the final semester of school, clinicals are all business and intense and we are expected to be getting to the point of professional nurses in this 8-week rotation. And guess who made some significant fuck-ups this week?

Yesterday I went home early, after getting an hour of sleep, doing half-assed assessments, and informing my instructor I was not up to the task. I knew I wouldn't make any med errors simply because she was watching me and would stop me if I was about to do so, but I also knew I wasn't learning anything and she offered me the opportunity to make up the time instead of sleepwalking through the day. I was ultra-professional about it and cried. I cry over literally nothing when I'm trying to function on an hour of sleep.

Today, after ten hours of sleep, I felt great. I got my assessments and meds in on time, helped get one of my patients who was being discharged ready to leave, had a successful IV start, etc. My instructor explained to me the charting that had to be done for a discharge and I nodded and took notes. Then completely forgot to do it. I went home feeling pretty confident about my performance and the day I'd had, until checking my email and finding a note from my instructor. She had reviewed my charting after I left and wrote to tell me that since I hadn't completed the discharge charting that she had specifically told me to do, and had additionally missed some of the "safety" charting (hourly rounds completed, bed in low position, etc.), I would need to go back and do it, and I'd be getting an unsatisfactory grade for this week's clinical in documentation. Can't really argue with that.

So after swearing at myself a little, I went back to the hospital tonight to make the required entries. This misstep bothers me a lot, both on the personal-disappointment-in-myself level as well as just being embarrassing. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a huge deal. No one was in danger because of my charting inadequacies. But it still needed to be done, and it should have been done, and it was simple carelessness that it wasn't done. And it's not the part about getting in trouble that bothers me the most, but the fact that my ego, and my confidence, takes a huge hit when I fuck up. Which probably isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it blows nonetheless.

I'm not going to fail clinicals because of this, and I'm not in danger of failing clinicals generally. There are working RNs who work like this all the time. But I don't want to have another week like this, and I have to figure out how I'm going to organize myself to make sure I'm not missing assessments and charting and feeling like a flailing idiot. And I think the best way to start that, at this moment, is with a big glass of wine.

The Haters

So prominent "Christian" Pat Robertson has determined that the earthquake and consequent horrifying suffering in Haiti is due to their "pact with the devil", i.e. the voodoo ritual that was performed before the slave revolution in the early 1800s. I guess God would agree that revenge is a dish best served cold, according to the illustrious Rev.

This man is a douchebag. And while he is being roundly condemned in the media and by many, many pastors and priests, I know that there are plenty of people who think he's right on.

Let me just say that I am not a fan of organized religion in general. I think that too often, it is used to justify hatred, violence, oppression and intolerance. I'm not opposed to Jesus, but I find many of his followers nauseating.

I don't claim to be an expert on the Bible, but I have read enough to know that Jesus was the original bleeding heart liberal. He talked a lot about kindness, caring for the poor, reaching out to those in need. He also, if I recall correctly, made it a point to say that one should not be talking shit about "God's Will" and taking it upon himself of herself to determine whose misfortune is a result of punishment for their wicked, wicked ways.

I am incredibly sick of people who split their time between proclaiming their superior Christian-ness and spewing hate. I know too many people like this and I want to punch them in the throat. Not very Christian of me, either, but then I'm not pretending to be the Supergirl of Holier Than Thou. As my mother likes to say, "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." How 'bout a little more "Love thy neighbor" and "Judge not, lest ye be judged", and a little less "Yer goin' to hell, sinner!" Just a thought.

And regarding Haiti, since no one ever comments here I have no idea how many readers I have. But I know I have 510 views on my profile, so someone's reading. I posted this link on Facebook this morning and I'll put it here too. Partners in Health has people and facilities already established and on the ground in Haiti, and they do really good work. I know that some people are running donation drives on their blogs, where they donate so much money for every comment they get. I wish I could do that, too, but I want to at least put this link up. I urge everyone to click on the link and donate, even if it's just $10. It adds up, and since PIH is already established, more of your money will go to the people who need it, rather than to setting up an infrastructure for the org. Thanks.

Photo taken from hotindienews.com

Navel-gazing

It's time to compartmentalize a bit. I've been thinking about my blog lately, and I realized that I spend a lot of time talking about how things were "back in the day". And while there's nothing inherently wrong with this, I'm feeling like I need to try to focus myself more, and somehow that led to a second blog. So now I'm one of those people, with a blog for every individual purpose. But I like the idea of a blog dedicated to backstory, to all the swirling crap that has made me the person I am this very minute, all the good and bad. It's here. Which means if you're sick of my "back in the day" rambling, you can theoretically avoid them by not reading my other blog. Because I'm totally going to stay on topic from now on. Totally.

So here I am, four months from graduating nursing school. Holy shit, has it ever gone quickly. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I feel like I'm ready to be done. I know I'm ready to have a reasonable income. But sometimes I get overwhelmed by how much I still don't know. Which is really par for the course and to paraphrase a doctor I met recently, any graduating or new grad nurse who isn't overwhelmed by how much they don't know has their head up their ass. There's an awful lot to learn.

I'm still not worried about finding a job. I should be, but I'm not. I don't know if I'm hopelessly naive or determined to be an idiot, or if I'm right in having that faith. A lot of other people in my class are freaking out about it, they don't want to have to work in a nursing home but those are the best options around here. The hospital in town is small and rarely hires nurses. Rather than struggle for the few jobs in town, I've decided to just start my search in Duluth. It's an hour commute, but I'd get a lot more experience with more critical patients (regardless of my field) and learn a ton. We'll see how that pans out.

I'm so happy that I walked away from my degrees and my previous dreams. I was joking with someone recently that you turn 30 and have to choose money over your dreams, but in reality, my dreams have just changed. The life I thought I wanted, submersed in politics and foreign affairs on the East Coast, sounds so unappealing to me now. Fancypants academic discussions about conflict resolutions, complete with terms like "consociational", have moved to passionate discussions about whether and how we can get a birth center built in the area. I've gone from wanting to influence foreign policy to wanting to catch babies. It's such huge shift to have made in such a short time: just over five years ago I was a PhD student in Washington DC, and now I'm preparing to graduate technical college in Ashland, Wisconsin. And even if I wasn't totally satisfied with the way my life has turned out up til now, there is no denying that Lake Superior kicks the Tidal Basin's ass any day of the week.

All nursing school, all the time

Returning to the abandoned blog. It's been busy, although less stressful than last year, I think. Somehow we're already over halfway through the semester and I'll be done with this program in 7 months. The supposed class from hell, Complex Health Alterations, has proven to be not all that bad, as long as I do the reading. My lazy ass has managed to get it together enough to do quite well, which has been a nice surprise.

Clinicals have been a million times better than they were last year. Especially during first semester, I dreaded clinicals. I was thrilled when they were done for the semester. But we've had several weeks of them now and they haven't been too bad. Okay, I should clarify that. We finished our acute care/med-surg clinical last week and, apart from the pain-in-the-ass-ness of having to go to a hospital over an hour away and be gone for two nights a week, it was great. Learned a lot, got called "an angel" (HA!) by a patient, got to start my first IV. It was a successful start on the first try, but it wasn't a particularly proud moment. Mainly because once I got it into the vein, I started shaking and completely forgot what to do next, and ended up with blood on the floor. Hey, it happens. The very nice RN who was overseeing me quickly took over and got the saline lock on, and I taped it up. This clinical really was a good experience overall.

Now we're in mental health, and I'm surprised at how much I don't like it. It's not like last year, I don't dread going back next week and I'm learning a lot, but it's getting to me. It's hard to go home and set it aside, and I haven't been able to do it. I just keep thinking about it. It's kind of horrifying to be faced with live evidence of just how much psychological damage one person can inflict on another human being.

Before we started this rotation, I thought I would really like it and might be interested in working in it for a while, but not so much. I think you have to have a certain combination of empathy, excellent communication skills, and an ability to care about what happens to people, but not too much--be dispassionate. I can do empathy, I can do communication, but I have a hard time with the dispassion. It's probably something I should work on in general, but I doubt I'll ever get it enough to work in mental health.