A Periodic Update

It's New Year's Eve. There was once a time when that meant I was going to be out whooping it up and carrying on, but those days appear to be behind me. Tonight I will be hanging out with my husband, along with Shane the dog and Wendy the cat. We will watch movies and eat hamburgers, homemade french fries and salads, share a piece of chocolate tiramisu from the oh-my-god bakery here in town, drink a bottle of champagne, talk about our hopes for what 2011 will bring us (namely, a baby, plus possibly my dream job), maybe play Scrabble, kiss at midnight, and go to bed. A lame, lame New Year's Eve by my mid-twenties standards, but our stamina is not what it once was, and the roads are incredibly shitty tonight anyway.

So I figured I have 893 days left in my project, and maybe I should check in, see how I'm keeping up with the list. Some of it is seasonal, some of it I haven't had a chance to touch. This is the rest of it:

1. Study mythology. Got a few books for Christmas, can't wait to dive in.
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6. Write a novel. I got it started, just need to keep going.
7. Read at least 30 new books. I've done 3 so far, with a stack waiting for me.
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13. Take at least ten pictures a month. November was a little short, but otherwise I've been using my digital camera more, much as I hate it. Still, documentation is good.
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15. Become skilled at IV starts. This has gone really, really well. I'm not expert yet, but I don't often need anyone to take over for me anymore. It's a deeply satisfying thing to successfully start an IV, even more so when the person looks down and says "Oh! I didn't even feel that."
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17. Become a parent. This is the biggie, and we currently have a box sitting in our living room, which contains a canister of liquid nitrogen, within which are two vials of sperm. When the 23-lb box arrived yesterday and I lifted it up to move it to the corner of the room, it occurred to me that it was the same weight as a healthy 9-12 month old. We have everything (well, not EVERYTHING) crossed that this will work.
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19. Buy as much food as possible locally. I've gotten more local produce from the co-op, Bayfield apples at AppleFest, 50 lbs of pork and 30-ish lbs of lamb from my parents' neighbors farm in the freezer, and our milk is always from the local dairy. It feels good to support the small local farms that are doing things right.
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22. Make different kinds of bread once every month. I have tried two different kinds so far. I'm not giving up yet, but it is possible that I may not become a master bread baker.
23. Study Anishinaabe (Ojibwe) spirituality. I'm starting out slow, smudging (which I love, love, love) and putting down tobacco when I pray. I have a lot left to learn.
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25. Enjoy my job as it is, without focusing only on moving on to midwifery. As I mentioned, there's a possibility I could be in my dream job within a month. If it doesn't happen, I think I'll be okay with that. There are parts of my current job that are a struggle, but sometimes I really love it.
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27. Organize my photos and photo albums. Done!
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29. Donate money to 4 different charities. As soon as things are a little more stable, I've got money planned for one of my favorites.
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41. No gossiping for 2 weeks. I don't think I've done this flat out yet, but I do know I'm paying attention to it more and doing it less.
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44. Develop a closer friendship with ---. We've hung out a couple of times and have plans to do more and get our families together too. She's great.
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49. Focus on the patients, not the workplace. I've gotten really attached to a number of our patients, and it makes it easier to do the job well.
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59. Drink tea 5 times a week. We're on a tea kick here in the Extremely Adequate household. The tea from the doulas is especially good and I'm trying to drink lots of it.
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66. Get to know my siblings and their partners better. I've been able to spend more time with my brother and his wife, which is always fun. There are fewer chances with my sister, but they'll be up in a few weeks.
67. Get to know Kevin's brother and his wife better. We all went out for dinner at Christmas. It was interesting and a lot of fun. I hope we do it more.
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69. Learn reiki/healing touch therapy. Taking a workshop next week!
70. Blog at least twice a month. Check. And just under the wire for December!
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73. Replace my non-stick pans with cast iron. 2 down, several more to go.
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80. Go to the Delta Diner. Done, and we shall return. If you ever find yourself between Ashland and Iron River at breakfast or lunch time, go. You won't regret it.
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85. Make it to 10 doula meetings a year. Haven't missed a thing since September. I love being a part of this group so much.
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91. Go to Madison at least once a year. Halloween. It kicked ass.
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97. Send out Christmas cards. Did it! And they were adorable, thanks to Kevin's creativity, and very well received.
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101. Recognize that having a list of goals does not make me an advanced person and refrain from becoming a pain in the ass about this. Fail. I'm a totally superior pain in the ass.

Happy New Year, everyone. Here's to a peaceful, hope-filled, amazing 2011.

Mail Order Family and the American Way

The constitutionality of California's Prop 8 is being argued again in federal court. Charles Cooper, the lawyer for the pro-Prop 8, anti-gay marriage side of the case, is arguing that the point of marriage is procreation, and since the gays can't do that without help, their relationships shouldn't be called marriage. Amidst a treasure trove of similar inanities, Cooper has given us this gem: "The clear reason for marriage is that sexual relationships produce children."

Well.

My husband and I have a sexual relationship that has never, and will never, produce children. It's nice to know that our marriage is purposeless in Mr. Cooper's view.

Our pointless marriage is going on five years now. We have built, and continue to build, a life together, just like our gay friends who are in committed relationships. We have supported each other through unemployment, poverty, career changes, illness, good fortune and bad, and yes, infertility. We are best friends, we hold each other up when things just fucking suck, and in my husband's words, one of us is always the light. But, you know, Chuck's probably right. Without procreation, we're just playing house.

I should say that plans are in the works for a baby, albeit one that will only carry one of our sets of chromosomes. More than three years after we found out that my husband was infertile, we are following the lead of the lesbians and placing an order with the sperm bank. We've chosen a donor based on his exceptionally good family health history and his wordy, funny profile. He wishes to remain anonymous, though he says he may change his mind. If so, it would be up to our child to track him down when she reaches 18, if she so chooses. But make no mistake; this donor will be the father, but he will not be the dad.

Some people think we should adopt instead, some people think we should accept God's will, which is clearly for us to be childless. And some people are so excited for us that they can hardly wait. Some people have told us what great parents we will be, they've prayed for us and made art for us and sent so much love our way that it makes me hopeful and helps give me faith that this will work, that four years after we started trying to have a baby, it will happen for us. We've talked and dreamed about this for so long, and now this first attempt is only weeks away.

And here's the thing. My husband and I, as we are right now, just the two of us, we're a family. Our marriage is not perfect, it is messy and we get pissed off and frustrated and slam doors and stomp up the stairs and bitch at each other and laugh together every single day and have dance parties in the kitchen to Lady Gaga and love one another unconditionally. Our child will join our family, with its imperfections, and he will be his own person, with his own thoughts and feelings and beliefs. But we will introduce him to all of the wonderful family and friends that we are lucky enough to know and love, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Native American, black, white, Asian, Latino, gay and straight, and he will have the extreme good fortune of getting to know all of those awesome people who will welcome and love him.

That may not be Charles Cooper's idea of family values, but I happen to believe that love is greater than fear and bigotry. Otherwise, what's the point?