YOU FAIL!

It has not been a stellar week here in Nursing Student Land.

A little background: without trying to sound like an arrogant prick, I've developed, in the last year and a half of school, a reputation as "The Smart One". School has always come relatively easy for me, and nursing school has not been an exception. I have also worked pretty damn hard to learn as much as possible and develop my skills and knowledge base, because I want to be a good nurse. Would you want the nurse who skated through school taking care of you? Me neither. So I've pushed myself.

Clinicals have been stressful, but I've always gotten through them with relative ease and honestly surprised myself a little with how comfortable I've gotten. But. Now, in the final semester of school, clinicals are all business and intense and we are expected to be getting to the point of professional nurses in this 8-week rotation. And guess who made some significant fuck-ups this week?

Yesterday I went home early, after getting an hour of sleep, doing half-assed assessments, and informing my instructor I was not up to the task. I knew I wouldn't make any med errors simply because she was watching me and would stop me if I was about to do so, but I also knew I wasn't learning anything and she offered me the opportunity to make up the time instead of sleepwalking through the day. I was ultra-professional about it and cried. I cry over literally nothing when I'm trying to function on an hour of sleep.

Today, after ten hours of sleep, I felt great. I got my assessments and meds in on time, helped get one of my patients who was being discharged ready to leave, had a successful IV start, etc. My instructor explained to me the charting that had to be done for a discharge and I nodded and took notes. Then completely forgot to do it. I went home feeling pretty confident about my performance and the day I'd had, until checking my email and finding a note from my instructor. She had reviewed my charting after I left and wrote to tell me that since I hadn't completed the discharge charting that she had specifically told me to do, and had additionally missed some of the "safety" charting (hourly rounds completed, bed in low position, etc.), I would need to go back and do it, and I'd be getting an unsatisfactory grade for this week's clinical in documentation. Can't really argue with that.

So after swearing at myself a little, I went back to the hospital tonight to make the required entries. This misstep bothers me a lot, both on the personal-disappointment-in-myself level as well as just being embarrassing. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a huge deal. No one was in danger because of my charting inadequacies. But it still needed to be done, and it should have been done, and it was simple carelessness that it wasn't done. And it's not the part about getting in trouble that bothers me the most, but the fact that my ego, and my confidence, takes a huge hit when I fuck up. Which probably isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it blows nonetheless.

I'm not going to fail clinicals because of this, and I'm not in danger of failing clinicals generally. There are working RNs who work like this all the time. But I don't want to have another week like this, and I have to figure out how I'm going to organize myself to make sure I'm not missing assessments and charting and feeling like a flailing idiot. And I think the best way to start that, at this moment, is with a big glass of wine.

The Haters

So prominent "Christian" Pat Robertson has determined that the earthquake and consequent horrifying suffering in Haiti is due to their "pact with the devil", i.e. the voodoo ritual that was performed before the slave revolution in the early 1800s. I guess God would agree that revenge is a dish best served cold, according to the illustrious Rev.

This man is a douchebag. And while he is being roundly condemned in the media and by many, many pastors and priests, I know that there are plenty of people who think he's right on.

Let me just say that I am not a fan of organized religion in general. I think that too often, it is used to justify hatred, violence, oppression and intolerance. I'm not opposed to Jesus, but I find many of his followers nauseating.

I don't claim to be an expert on the Bible, but I have read enough to know that Jesus was the original bleeding heart liberal. He talked a lot about kindness, caring for the poor, reaching out to those in need. He also, if I recall correctly, made it a point to say that one should not be talking shit about "God's Will" and taking it upon himself of herself to determine whose misfortune is a result of punishment for their wicked, wicked ways.

I am incredibly sick of people who split their time between proclaiming their superior Christian-ness and spewing hate. I know too many people like this and I want to punch them in the throat. Not very Christian of me, either, but then I'm not pretending to be the Supergirl of Holier Than Thou. As my mother likes to say, "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." How 'bout a little more "Love thy neighbor" and "Judge not, lest ye be judged", and a little less "Yer goin' to hell, sinner!" Just a thought.

And regarding Haiti, since no one ever comments here I have no idea how many readers I have. But I know I have 510 views on my profile, so someone's reading. I posted this link on Facebook this morning and I'll put it here too. Partners in Health has people and facilities already established and on the ground in Haiti, and they do really good work. I know that some people are running donation drives on their blogs, where they donate so much money for every comment they get. I wish I could do that, too, but I want to at least put this link up. I urge everyone to click on the link and donate, even if it's just $10. It adds up, and since PIH is already established, more of your money will go to the people who need it, rather than to setting up an infrastructure for the org. Thanks.

Photo taken from hotindienews.com

Navel-gazing

It's time to compartmentalize a bit. I've been thinking about my blog lately, and I realized that I spend a lot of time talking about how things were "back in the day". And while there's nothing inherently wrong with this, I'm feeling like I need to try to focus myself more, and somehow that led to a second blog. So now I'm one of those people, with a blog for every individual purpose. But I like the idea of a blog dedicated to backstory, to all the swirling crap that has made me the person I am this very minute, all the good and bad. It's here. Which means if you're sick of my "back in the day" rambling, you can theoretically avoid them by not reading my other blog. Because I'm totally going to stay on topic from now on. Totally.

So here I am, four months from graduating nursing school. Holy shit, has it ever gone quickly. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I feel like I'm ready to be done. I know I'm ready to have a reasonable income. But sometimes I get overwhelmed by how much I still don't know. Which is really par for the course and to paraphrase a doctor I met recently, any graduating or new grad nurse who isn't overwhelmed by how much they don't know has their head up their ass. There's an awful lot to learn.

I'm still not worried about finding a job. I should be, but I'm not. I don't know if I'm hopelessly naive or determined to be an idiot, or if I'm right in having that faith. A lot of other people in my class are freaking out about it, they don't want to have to work in a nursing home but those are the best options around here. The hospital in town is small and rarely hires nurses. Rather than struggle for the few jobs in town, I've decided to just start my search in Duluth. It's an hour commute, but I'd get a lot more experience with more critical patients (regardless of my field) and learn a ton. We'll see how that pans out.

I'm so happy that I walked away from my degrees and my previous dreams. I was joking with someone recently that you turn 30 and have to choose money over your dreams, but in reality, my dreams have just changed. The life I thought I wanted, submersed in politics and foreign affairs on the East Coast, sounds so unappealing to me now. Fancypants academic discussions about conflict resolutions, complete with terms like "consociational", have moved to passionate discussions about whether and how we can get a birth center built in the area. I've gone from wanting to influence foreign policy to wanting to catch babies. It's such huge shift to have made in such a short time: just over five years ago I was a PhD student in Washington DC, and now I'm preparing to graduate technical college in Ashland, Wisconsin. And even if I wasn't totally satisfied with the way my life has turned out up til now, there is no denying that Lake Superior kicks the Tidal Basin's ass any day of the week.