A Bit of Wallowing

And now we're zero for two.

We had our second try-for-a-baby attempt two weeks ago (on Mother's Day, no less). This one went smoothly. We put a lot of intention into this one. This one, we were sure, would be the one.

Then, 11 days later, in an extra Nelson-y, HA ha kind of fashion, I was woken up at 2 AM with what can only be described as some spectacular cramps, and with that, we were out of the running again.

I am feeling less okay about it this time around. I am wondering if maybe there's something wrong with me, too. I am wondering how many times we can afford to keep doing this. I am allowing myself to indulge in just a little bit of "How come that crazy bitch gets to pop kids out like a Pez dispenser and it's so fucking hard for us?"*

I have a friend who has also dealt with infertility and is going through her own process, and while I wish she wasn't, because she will be the most amazing mom ever some day and it shouldn't be taking this long for her to have that chance, I am so grateful to have someone in my life who gets it. She doesn't tell me what we should have done differently, or tell me to "just relax" or spout some bullshit about how God has a plan. She just is sad for me, as I am for her, because she knows all too well what a shitty, shitty thing this is.

It's been almost four years since we found out we had a problem. And I'm wondering how long it's going to take for a solution. All those women who joke about their ticking biological clocks really have no idea how loud, and scary, that fucking thing can get.

*Since I work with pregnant women, I feel the need to clarify that I have a specific crazy bitch in mind who I do not have contact with at this time. I bear no ill will toward the pregnant ladies in my life on a daily basis!

Adopting A Better Attitude

So, if you go to the blogs on my MySpace page, you'll see a few that mention that we can't have kids. We don't have a final, word-of-god statement on this yet, but as far as we know, right now that's the situation. For the most part, both Kevin and I are pretty okay with this, at least insofar as we're not upset that we can't have "our own" baby. Adoption is not a lesser choice for us, and we just want to be parents. There are definitely downfalls, like that it's a pain in the ass, and it's really expensive, and we wanted to have a baby by now and it will be several more years, but you know, we'll deal.

So I really haven't been one of those infertile women who hate all pregnant ladies. But...it's still kind of hard sometimes. I watched The Business of Being Born the other night, and, propaganda aside, it made me kind of sad that I won't have that birth experience. Another friend just told me she's pregnant, and I'm absolutely thrilled for her, she's a wonderful person and will be an amazing mom. But I can't say I didn't feel a little twinge of envy.

And I don't think that's such a bad thing. I know some people dealing with infertility who are so angry and bitter that they become the self-designated arbiters of who "deserves" a baby. Someone who's had a miscarriage deserves a baby more than someone who got pregnant easily with no problems. That kind of shit. Honestly, it's incredibly sad to see. Infertility sucks, and it isn't fair that some people get to be parents a lot easier than others. But if it takes someone until their twenties or thirties to see that life can be horribly unfair, I would be willing to bet all of my Tom Waits albums that they have an awful lot of other things to be thankful for. I'm sad that we won't have a kid for several more years. But not sad enough to lose sight of everything else. Not sad enough to forget that I have an incredible husband. Not sad enough that I can't be happy for my friends who are getting pregnant and having kids. Not sad enough that I believe that I deserve a baby more than anyone else who wants one.