Radio hasn't been any good since Clear Channel anyway

Hi there. I'm paranoid and insecure. How are you?

A while ago I was reading every piece of non-fiction that Anne Lamott wrote, and I came across a particularly brilliant section discussing our own capacity to sabotage ourselves. She had a nickname for the constant yammering that goes on in our heads sometimes, criticizing and nitpicking and pointing out our general suckiness and lack of worth. It's the radio station known as KFKD, or K-Fucked. 

KFKD's been getting a lot of airtime these days. My own personal version features an endless loop of "Nobody really likes you", "You did it wrong, again", "Your capacity for lameness is never-ending" and "Come On Eileen". I can't stand "Come On Eileen".

I'm exaggerating, slightly (but not about "Come On Eileen"--that song blows). KFKD's definitely been blasting the airwaves, but it's not quite that bad. I think my capacity for lameness does have limits. But my insecurity annoys me. And my capacity for tearing myself down actually doesn't seem to have limits. 

What I'm about to say isn't earth-shattering. I've seen it in several feminist-leaning blogs of late. But I think it bears repeating, over and over and over, until it finally starts to sink in. When I step back and look at all the crappy thoughts I have about myself, then imagine having those thoughts about a friend, I'm kind of horrified. I would never look at a friend and say, "Wow, your arms look enormous in that shirt. And you're not half as interesting as you think you are. And no one really likes you. I'm amazed you think anyone does." But apparently, I'm perfectly willing to direct that kind of abusive garbage at myself, if only mentally.  And that's kind of sick. 

KFKD sucks. It's the worst radio station ever, and that's even without having to listen to Casey Kasem and ads for monster truck rallies (We'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge!). I wish the FCC would slap a humongous fine on it and shut it down, because I can't always figure out how to just turn it off. Maybe I can drown it out with The Soviettes or something. Or maybe I can slowly inch down the volume until it finally goes away.