Ten Years Out, One Year In

Today's the day--the ten-year anniversaire d'crap. It's not been a bad day so far. I have this week off of work, and I've been puttering, thinking about it occasionally but not fixating. I'm feeling pretty tired, though. After I write this I plan to spend the rest of the afternoon reading, maybe writing a bit. I'll probably put some tobacco down tonight.

I've been a real downer lately, I know. And the problem is, it's hard to switch gears from writing about infertility and death and grief to a light, amusing story about the canoe trip I took for my birthday. But in the non-blog world, things have actually not been bad. It's just weird to go from a series of "woe-is-me" posts to something a little more entertaining. I wasn't sure how to do it. Then it struck me that I haven't updated my list in a long time. So.

2. Learn a new language: I am slowly (and I do mean slowly) learning bits of Ojibwe. It's pretty cool, and I hope to give it a more concerted effort than the general gleaning I've been doing. Revival of the language is something that's important to a lot of the tribal members I work with, and as I'm working within that cultural framework, it's something that is important to me as well, so I'm doing my part.

6. Write a novel: Working on it. I think I've figured out a system to circumvent my hyper-critical self and avoid the trap of writing a page, then spending 2 hours revising that one page, then deciding it's all crap anyway and giving up. I've just started a new story and have about 20 pages written so far.

7. Read 30 new books: I've kind of lost track of this, but I can say for certain that I have read at least 14 books and am almost done with another. I'm pretty sure I've read more than that, but those are the ones I can list with certainty. Revised goal: Read 30 new books and write down their titles.

9. Finish redo of house interior: We've done the guest room, the kitchen, and our bedroom. All look amazing. We have paint for the hallways, and beyond that we're not sure how much we'll do because we're not going to buy this house, and hopefully won't be here more than another couple of years before we buy our own place, with land, up on the Bayfield peninsula.

11. Find a sport/athletic activity I enjoy and will/can keep doing: I took a bellydancing class this spring and loved it so much. I took it back in Minneapolis a long time ago, and it's just so much fun. Unfortunately, the instructor, who was awesome, left town in June, so no more classes for me, at least for now. So I guess I'm still looking, but if that was still an option, that would be it.

13. Take at least ten pictures a month: I did for a while, but my camera just constantly pissed me off, so I slowed down. Now, however, I have my birthday present: A Canon PowerShot SX30 IS. I love it so very much, and I expect that this goal will no longer be a challenge for me.

15. Become skilled at IV starts: I got there, and then took a new job that does not involve IVs. I miss it a bit--once I got fairly good at it, I really enjoyed it. But in any case, this goal is dead in the water, unless Kevin starts agreeing to let me keep my skills up by practicing on him, and I don't see that happening.

19. Buy as much food as possible locally: We're doing really good with this one. At this moment, we have a freezer full of pork, beef and lamb that was all pasture-raised within walking distance of my parents house. Our eggs come from my mom's chickens, our milk is from a dairy in Washburn, ten miles away, and we get a lot of produce at the farmer's market and from local farms at the co-op. I know this is a subject that causes eye rolls in certain circles, but it really does matter. It matters if you care about the quality of your food, it matters if you care about the environment and how the animals you eat were raised and treated, it matters to your health. And if you're someone who gets all wound up about undocumented immigrants, it should matter to you, too, because the corporate farms and especially the large meat packers and processors actively recruit undocumented workers from the poorest parts of Mexico, and have deals with ICE to only detain and deport a certain number of workers at a time so as not to slow down their production lines. It's exploitation all around, and it's pretty sickening. And all that being said, I know that I am privileged to even be able to make these choices when it comes to my food, rather than buying whatever will fill my family up for the lowest price. Everyone should be able to have access to high-quality food that isn't actively damaging their health and their environment, and unfortunately that isn't the case. So, yes, meeting this goal, but only because I am fortunate enough to be able to do so.

21. Have a successful vegetable garden that produces enough to store: FAIL. My garden was a joke this year. The slugs wiped out the beans as soon as they poked through the ground, my greens never came up, the peas were hit or miss. I do have some healthy-looking tomatoes, but I don't think I'll have the yield I hoped for. There's always next year.

22. Make bread once a month (different kinds): This is so not happening. Maybe I'll get in the habit this winter.

23. Study Anishinaabe spirituality: It's a slow process, but I'm learning bits and pieces, mostly from a wonderful friend and co-worker. I'm really enjoying being immersed in this culture, which has managed to survive so much and continue to thrive.

31. Canoe on the Brule: Ugh. We did this on my birthday weekend, and it was traumatic, at least on the second day. The Brule River is beautiful, and the lower part of the river is great for canoeing. The upper part, which we did on the second day, is also beautiful. Not that we noticed, because we were busy falling out of the canoe and being tossed against the rocks. I recommend kayaks for that section. Either way, goal met!

33. Go to the Keweenaw Peninsula: Thursday-Sunday, baby! I'm looking forward to it.

45. Take bellydancing classes: See above. Goal met!

50. Get birthday cards out on time: Nope

76. Buy at least two pieces of original art: I bought one, from my supervisor's mother. It's a beautiful watercolor of a hummingbird, which she was selling at a garage sale for $4. I almost feel bad counting this as part of this goal, but it's still original art, AND I bought it directly from the artist!

79. Train Shane better: He is so insanely well-behaved at this point, we can't believe our luck. We have the best dog ever.

89. Watch "Deadwood": We just finished the whole series, and loved it. I wish it had gone on at least another season, but it was great.

97. Send out Christmas cards: We did this. And they were very cute!

100. Swim in Lake Superior at least 5 times every year: I'm at three times so far this summer, and there's still a few weeks left of reasonable swimming.

Lessons

Ten years, man.

Fuck.

I was driving to work a few weeks ago when it hit me, out of nowhere.

Ten years since the paramedics made a huge fucking mess in the bedroom, ten years since I got to know the ICU at Boston Medical Center better than anyone who wasn't paid to be there should know it, ten years since I learned what a panic attack felt like.

I learned other things, too, like how to pack up someone else's whole life, and how to chain-smoke and keep a steady drunk on without drawing attention to my little coping mechanism, and how to cry in public without giving a shit who was staring. Oh, and how major catastrophic global events that would drastically change the course of your nation's history didn't really matter to you when you were watching them from your comatose boyfriend's hospital room.

I could've gone without knowing those things. I think my intellectual capacities could take the loss of those little pearls of wisdom, and be just fine without them, thanks.

These anniversaries always poke at me. I'm cranky every year in late August and I don't know why, until I remember. "Oh. Yeah, that."

This one isn't poking at me, it's socking me in the gut.

I've said it before. We were not soulmates, and it was a hot mess of a relationship, doomed to implode one way or another. I don't wish we were still together. But damn, I wish he was still in this world.