Extremely Adequate

Ten Years Out, One Year In

2011-08-30T12:58:00.003-05:00

Today's the day--the ten-year anniversaire d'crap. It's not been a bad day so far. I have this week off of work, and I've been puttering, thinking about it occasionally but not fixating. I'm feeling pretty tired, though. After I write this I plan to spend the rest of the afternoon reading, maybe writing a bit. I'll probably put some tobacco down tonight.

I've been a real downer lately, I know. And the problem is, it's hard to switch gears from writing about infertility and death and grief to a light, amusing story about the canoe trip I took for my birthday. But in the non-blog world, things have actually not been bad. It's just weird to go from a series of "woe-is-me" posts to something a little more entertaining. I wasn't sure how to do it. Then it struck me that I haven't updated my list in a long time. So.

2. Learn a new language: I am slowly (and I do mean slowly) learning bits of Ojibwe. It's pretty cool, and I hope to give it a more concerted effort than the general gleaning I've been doing. Revival of the language is something that's important to a lot of the tribal members I work with, and as I'm working within that cultural framework, it's something that is important to me as well, so I'm doing my part.

6. Write a novel: Working on it. I think I've figured out a system to circumvent my hyper-critical self and avoid the trap of writing a page, then spending 2 hours revising that one page, then deciding it's all crap anyway and giving up. I've just started a new story and have about 20 pages written so far.

7. Read 30 new books: I've kind of lost track of this, but I can say for certain that I have read at least 14 books and am almost done with another. I'm pretty sure I've read more than that, but those are the ones I can list with certainty. Revised goal: Read 30 new books and write down their titles.

9. Finish redo of house interior: We've done the guest room, the kitchen, and our bedroom. All look amazing. We have paint for the hallways, and beyond that we're not sure how much we'll do because we're not going to buy this house, and hopefully won't be here more than another couple of years before we buy our own place, with land, up on the Bayfield peninsula.

11. Find a sport/athletic activity I enjoy and will/can keep doing: I took a bellydancing class this spring and loved it so much. I took it back in Minneapolis a long time ago, and it's just so much fun. Unfortunately, the instructor, who was awesome, left town in June, so no more classes for me, at least for now. So I guess I'm still looking, but if that was still an option, that would be it.

13. Take at least ten pictures a month: I did for a while, but my camera just constantly pissed me off, so I slowed down. Now, however, I have my birthday present: A Canon PowerShot SX30 IS. I love it so very much, and I expect that this goal will no longer be a challenge for me.

15. Become skilled at IV starts: I got there, and then took a new job that does not involve IVs. I miss it a bit--once I got fairly good at it, I really enjoyed it. But in any case, this goal is dead in the water, unless Kevin starts agreeing to let me keep my skills up by practicing on him, and I don't see that happening.

19. Buy as much food as possible locally: We're doing really good with this one. At this moment, we have a freezer full of pork, beef and lamb that was all pasture-raised within walking distance of my parents house. Our eggs come from my mom's chickens, our milk is from a dairy in Washburn, ten miles away, and we get a lot of produce at the farmer's market and from local farms at the co-op. I know this is a subject that causes eye rolls in certain circles, but it really does matter. It matters if you care about the quality of your food, it matters if you care about the environment and how the animals you eat were raised and treated, it matters to your health. And if you're someone who gets all wound up about undocumented immigrants, it should matter to you, too, because the corporate farms and especially the large meat packers and processors actively recruit undocumented workers from the poorest parts of Mexico, and have deals with ICE to only detain and deport a certain number of workers at a time so as not to slow down their production lines. It's exploitation all around, and it's pretty sickening. And all that being said, I know that I am privileged to even be able to make these choices when it comes to my food, rather than buying whatever will fill my family up for the lowest price. Everyone should be able to have access to high-quality food that isn't actively damaging their health and their environment, and unfortunately that isn't the case. So, yes, meeting this goal, but only because I am fortunate enough to be able to do so.

21. Have a successful vegetable garden that produces enough to store: FAIL. My garden was a joke this year. The slugs wiped out the beans as soon as they poked through the ground, my greens never came up, the peas were hit or miss. I do have some healthy-looking tomatoes, but I don't think I'll have the yield I hoped for. There's always next year.

22. Make bread once a month (different kinds): This is so not happening. Maybe I'll get in the habit this winter.

23. Study Anishinaabe spirituality: It's a slow process, but I'm learning bits and pieces, mostly from a wonderful friend and co-worker. I'm really enjoying being immersed in this culture, which has managed to survive so much and continue to thrive.

31. Canoe on the Brule: Ugh. We did this on my birthday weekend, and it was traumatic, at least on the second day. The Brule River is beautiful, and the lower part of the river is great for canoeing. The upper part, which we did on the second day, is also beautiful. Not that we noticed, because we were busy falling out of the canoe and being tossed against the rocks. I recommend kayaks for that section. Either way, goal met!

33. Go to the Keweenaw Peninsula: Thursday-Sunday, baby! I'm looking forward to it.

45. Take bellydancing classes: See above. Goal met!

50. Get birthday cards out on time: Nope

76. Buy at least two pieces of original art: I bought one, from my supervisor's mother. It's a beautiful watercolor of a hummingbird, which she was selling at a garage sale for $4. I almost feel bad counting this as part of this goal, but it's still original art, AND I bought it directly from the artist!

79. Train Shane better: He is so insanely well-behaved at this point, we can't believe our luck. We have the best dog ever.

89. Watch "Deadwood": We just finished the whole series, and loved it. I wish it had gone on at least another season, but it was great.

97. Send out Christmas cards: We did this. And they were very cute!

100. Swim in Lake Superior at least 5 times every year: I'm at three times so far this summer, and there's still a few weeks left of reasonable swimming.

Lessons

2011-08-10T20:38:00.003-05:00

Ten years, man.

Fuck.

I was driving to work a few weeks ago when it hit me, out of nowhere.

Ten years since the paramedics made a huge fucking mess in the bedroom, ten years since I got to know the ICU at Boston Medical Center better than anyone who wasn't paid to be there should know it, ten years since I learned what a panic attack felt like.

I learned other things, too, like how to pack up someone else's whole life, and how to chain-smoke and keep a steady drunk on without drawing attention to my little coping mechanism, and how to cry in public without giving a shit who was staring. Oh, and how major catastrophic global events that would drastically change the course of your nation's history didn't really matter to you when you were watching them from your comatose boyfriend's hospital room.

I could've gone without knowing those things. I think my intellectual capacities could take the loss of those little pearls of wisdom, and be just fine without them, thanks.

These anniversaries always poke at me. I'm cranky every year in late August and I don't know why, until I remember. "Oh. Yeah, that."

This one isn't poking at me, it's socking me in the gut.

I've said it before. We were not soulmates, and it was a hot mess of a relationship, doomed to implode one way or another. I don't wish we were still together. But damn, I wish he was still in this world.

Forget April, what do June showers bring?

2011-06-18T22:45:00.003-05:00

This has been a shit day.

I have to say that I really do love my friends and I think that it's wonderful when we get together with them and their families. However, I'm not so much up for being the only people without kids at these gatherings and continuing to feel freakish and uncomfortable due to our sub-par reproductive systems. I don't think I want to do it anymore, at least until I'm pregnant or come to some sort of zen-like acceptance of and peace with the situation. And neither of those will be happening in anything resembling the near future.

We were not able to stay at the childrens birthday party and feel awkward for very long, though, because I had to come home to get ready for a wake this evening. The mother of one of my co-workers died this week. I only knew her a little bit, but god she was a cool woman. She was so passionate and involved in her community and the tribe, and unbelievably kind to everyone, but she also had a wild, mischievous streak. She had this huge laugh and a brilliant smile, and was in general a complete knockout. She was 51 years old and had so much left to do and give. She had a lot of pain at the end, and as she was a traditional woman, her family is taking comfort in knowing that she's with her Creator and free from her pain, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck.

This has been a pretty crappy spring all around, for a lot of people I know. The solstice is Tuesday. Maybe summer will bring a little more light.

A Bit of Wallowing

2011-05-23T17:53:00.004-05:00

And now we're zero for two.

We had our second try-for-a-baby attempt two weeks ago (on Mother's Day, no less). This one went smoothly. We put a lot of intention into this one. This one, we were sure, would be the one.

Then, 11 days later, in an extra Nelson-y, HA ha kind of fashion, I was woken up at 2 AM with what can only be described as some spectacular cramps, and with that, we were out of the running again.

I am feeling less okay about it this time around. I am wondering if maybe there's something wrong with me, too. I am wondering how many times we can afford to keep doing this. I am allowing myself to indulge in just a little bit of "How come that crazy bitch gets to pop kids out like a Pez dispenser and it's so fucking hard for us?"*

I have a friend who has also dealt with infertility and is going through her own process, and while I wish she wasn't, because she will be the most amazing mom ever some day and it shouldn't be taking this long for her to have that chance, I am so grateful to have someone in my life who gets it. She doesn't tell me what we should have done differently, or tell me to "just relax" or spout some bullshit about how God has a plan. She just is sad for me, as I am for her, because she knows all too well what a shitty, shitty thing this is.

It's been almost four years since we found out we had a problem. And I'm wondering how long it's going to take for a solution. All those women who joke about their ticking biological clocks really have no idea how loud, and scary, that fucking thing can get.

*Since I work with pregnant women, I feel the need to clarify that I have a specific crazy bitch in mind who I do not have contact with at this time. I bear no ill will toward the pregnant ladies in my life on a daily basis!

Half Full

2011-03-24T10:55:00.003-05:00

Well. So much for twice a month.

I've been busy, what with the outrage at our numbnuts governor and taking a weekend to drive down to Madison to protest, flying to Vancouver for the International Meeting on Indigenous Childrens Health, flying to Connecticut the following week for a training on a group model of prenatal care, trying to get to a place where I feel competent doing my job, making an attempt to leave the house at 5:45 a couple of times a week to get to the rec center and swim before work (that's been hit or miss--shocking, I know), planning my garden and starting seeds, telling the voice in my head that says I'll be 35 this summer and no way will this next attempt at getting pregnant work to shut the fuck up, thinking about getting started writing again, planning a hopefully-last-hurrah weekend in Minneapolis in May with Em, and spending a lot of quality time with my awesome husband.

Additionally, I haven't felt like I've had much to write about, which is absurd when you consider the preceding paragraph.

One thing I wondered about with my new job is whether it would be difficult for me emotionally to be surrounded by pregnancy and birth and babies. Somewhat surprisingly, it isn't really. Sometimes I get a twinge, but ever since we got our shitty news, almost four years ago, I've tried really really hard not to become bitter and consumed with envy and anger every time I see a pregnant woman. I've had my moments, for sure, but mostly I remind myself over and over (and over and over) that one sentence is not the whole story. In other words, there may be many things in that pregnant woman's life that I would not want, and infertility aside, I think my life is pretty awesome, so the balance (so I tell myself) is in my favor.

All this I'm-cool-with-it equanimity isn't to say that it doesn't hurt and I don't feel sorry for myself. And I know that if I'm never able to get pregnant and give birth to a healthy child, midwifery is out of the question. I'm not completely delusional. But I like working with young, first-time moms. I like watching them realize they can do this, and commit to being healthy and doing all they can for their baby. The rewards far outweigh the envy, at least for now.

New Beginnings, Etc.

2011-01-29T09:45:00.004-06:00

I was looking forward to January for several months. I thought, "Oh, January. The deep, cold, heart of winter. It will be the perfect time to relax, hunker down, and stop running around all the time like a damn crazy person." Yeah, not so much. January has been hectic as all hell. This hasn't been an entirely bad thing, but it has not been relaxing in any way, shape, or form.

First off, I am not pregnant. This is okay, for now. In all honesty, the timing ended up not being great for a pregnancy (more on that in a minute) and we're going to give it a few months before trying again. I'm not going to lie, we were a little sad about it, but I think we'll be in a better place later on in the spring. Plus, if I wait a couple of months, I'll qualify for paid maternity leave, an awesome fringe benefit of my wonderful new job.

And thus begins the tale of why January has been so hectic. Last Monday, I started my new job as Maternal-Child Health Nurse at the tribal health clinic where I interned the summer of 2009. This has truly been a dream come true, and I still can't quite believe I got this job. During my internship, the MCH Nurse at the time was my mentor, and I fell in love with the work as well as the community. She was leaving her position that fall, but I had another year of school left. We briefly talked about me applying as a LPN, but it wouldn't really have been workable with school, even if the clinic had been willing to hire a LPN for the position. Someone else, someone with a really great resume and background, got the job, and I told myself I would just have to try to come back once I finished a midwifery program. There generally isn't a lot of turnover for that position, so I figured it wouldn't open up again for quite some time.

My internship mentor and I had become very good friends, and we always talked about how great it would be to work together again someday. She finished up her own school this spring and is now a nurse-midwife, and had gone back to the clinic to head up a new MCH department. I thought and hoped that maybe someday we could work together in a midwifery practice for the tribe. Then she called me at the end of November and said that the MCH Nurse had submitted her resignation. I got my application in as soon as I could, and wrote the most gushing cover letter I have every written. I knew that I didn't have the work experience to wow anyone, but I did have the passion and desire to be doing that work specifically, in that community specifically, and I told them so. I interviewed on January 3rd and was offered the position the next day.

So I've been there a week, and I could not be happier. I still don't have a phone or a computer, but I'm also still orienting, so that's okay. The staff is wonderful and I share an office with my friend, who is also now my supervisor (and I realize that's not always ideal, but we are both talkers with a similar vision for the program, and I am more than aware that she's a brilliant person with a lot of respect in the community and many years of experience doing my job, so I'm happy to take direction from her). It's a 40-minute commute, but I'm not exactly sitting on I-94--my drive to work takes me up the Bayfield peninsula and it's gorgeous. I get to go to trainings and conferences--I'm going to the International Conference on Indigenous Children's Health in Vancouver in March--and meet all kinds of intelligent people doing incredible work. Like I said, I still can't quite believe I got this job.

Several years ago, I went a long time struggling to find any job that I could actually live on, let alone one I actually wanted. I liked my job at the Cancer Center, but it wasn't my dream. If anyone had told me four years ago that I would be in this position, I would have found it hard to believe. I don't know that I'll ever be able to take this for granted now. I hope not.

To Russia, with...curiosity

2011-01-14T18:01:00.002-06:00

A quick shout out to my reader(s) in the former Soviet region! Would you mind doing me a solid and telling me who you are and why you're reading this blog? I'm dying to know, especially since it's a direct entry and not via google. How have I been graced with such exotic readership? I thank you in advance and send virtual blinis and fancy European-style kisses your way.

xoxo

P.S. I moderate my comments so it won't show up til I give the okay, just so's you know.

A Periodic Update

2010-12-31T16:44:00.003-06:00

It's New Year's Eve. There was once a time when that meant I was going to be out whooping it up and carrying on, but those days appear to be behind me. Tonight I will be hanging out with my husband, along with Shane the dog and Wendy the cat. We will watch movies and eat hamburgers, homemade french fries and salads, share a piece of chocolate tiramisu from the oh-my-god bakery here in town, drink a bottle of champagne, talk about our hopes for what 2011 will bring us (namely, a baby, plus possibly my dream job), maybe play Scrabble, kiss at midnight, and go to bed. A lame, lame New Year's Eve by my mid-twenties standards, but our stamina is not what it once was, and the roads are incredibly shitty tonight anyway.

So I figured I have 893 days left in my project, and maybe I should check in, see how I'm keeping up with the list. Some of it is seasonal, some of it I haven't had a chance to touch. This is the rest of it:

1. Study mythology. Got a few books for Christmas, can't wait to dive in.
-
6. Write a novel. I got it started, just need to keep going.
7. Read at least 30 new books. I've done 3 so far, with a stack waiting for me.
-
13. Take at least ten pictures a month. November was a little short, but otherwise I've been using my digital camera more, much as I hate it. Still, documentation is good.
-
15. Become skilled at IV starts. This has gone really, really well. I'm not expert yet, but I don't often need anyone to take over for me anymore. It's a deeply satisfying thing to successfully start an IV, even more so when the person looks down and says "Oh! I didn't even feel that."
-
17. Become a parent. This is the biggie, and we currently have a box sitting in our living room, which contains a canister of liquid nitrogen, within which are two vials of sperm. When the 23-lb box arrived yesterday and I lifted it up to move it to the corner of the room, it occurred to me that it was the same weight as a healthy 9-12 month old. We have everything (well, not EVERYTHING) crossed that this will work.
-
19. Buy as much food as possible locally. I've gotten more local produce from the co-op, Bayfield apples at AppleFest, 50 lbs of pork and 30-ish lbs of lamb from my parents' neighbors farm in the freezer, and our milk is always from the local dairy. It feels good to support the small local farms that are doing things right.
-
22. Make different kinds of bread once every month. I have tried two different kinds so far. I'm not giving up yet, but it is possible that I may not become a master bread baker.
23. Study Anishinaabe (Ojibwe) spirituality. I'm starting out slow, smudging (which I love, love, love) and putting down tobacco when I pray. I have a lot left to learn.
-
25. Enjoy my job as it is, without focusing only on moving on to midwifery. As I mentioned, there's a possibility I could be in my dream job within a month. If it doesn't happen, I think I'll be okay with that. There are parts of my current job that are a struggle, but sometimes I really love it.
-
27. Organize my photos and photo albums. Done!
-
29. Donate money to 4 different charities. As soon as things are a little more stable, I've got money planned for one of my favorites.
-
41. No gossiping for 2 weeks. I don't think I've done this flat out yet, but I do know I'm paying attention to it more and doing it less.
-
44. Develop a closer friendship with ---. We've hung out a couple of times and have plans to do more and get our families together too. She's great.
-
49. Focus on the patients, not the workplace. I've gotten really attached to a number of our patients, and it makes it easier to do the job well.
-
59. Drink tea 5 times a week. We're on a tea kick here in the Extremely Adequate household. The tea from the doulas is especially good and I'm trying to drink lots of it.
-
66. Get to know my siblings and their partners better. I've been able to spend more time with my brother and his wife, which is always fun. There are fewer chances with my sister, but they'll be up in a few weeks.
67. Get to know Kevin's brother and his wife better. We all went out for dinner at Christmas. It was interesting and a lot of fun. I hope we do it more.
-
69. Learn reiki/healing touch therapy. Taking a workshop next week!
70. Blog at least twice a month. Check. And just under the wire for December!
-
73. Replace my non-stick pans with cast iron. 2 down, several more to go.
-
80. Go to the Delta Diner. Done, and we shall return. If you ever find yourself between Ashland and Iron River at breakfast or lunch time, go. You won't regret it.
-
85. Make it to 10 doula meetings a year. Haven't missed a thing since September. I love being a part of this group so much.
-
91. Go to Madison at least once a year. Halloween. It kicked ass.
-
97. Send out Christmas cards. Did it! And they were adorable, thanks to Kevin's creativity, and very well received.
-
101. Recognize that having a list of goals does not make me an advanced person and refrain from becoming a pain in the ass about this. Fail. I'm a totally superior pain in the ass.

Happy New Year, everyone. Here's to a peaceful, hope-filled, amazing 2011.

Mail Order Family and the American Way

2010-12-19T13:06:00.007-06:00

The constitutionality of California's Prop 8 is being argued again in federal court. Charles Cooper, the lawyer for the pro-Prop 8, anti-gay marriage side of the case, is arguing that the point of marriage is procreation, and since the gays can't do that without help, their relationships shouldn't be called marriage. Amidst a treasure trove of similar inanities, Cooper has given us this gem: "The clear reason for marriage is that sexual relationships produce children."

Well.

My husband and I have a sexual relationship that has never, and will never, produce children. It's nice to know that our marriage is purposeless in Mr. Cooper's view.

Our pointless marriage is going on five years now. We have built, and continue to build, a life together, just like our gay friends who are in committed relationships. We have supported each other through unemployment, poverty, career changes, illness, good fortune and bad, and yes, infertility. We are best friends, we hold each other up when things just fucking suck, and in my husband's words, one of us is always the light. But, you know, Chuck's probably right. Without procreation, we're just playing house.

I should say that plans are in the works for a baby, albeit one that will only carry one of our sets of chromosomes. More than three years after we found out that my husband was infertile, we are following the lead of the lesbians and placing an order with the sperm bank. We've chosen a donor based on his exceptionally good family health history and his wordy, funny profile. He wishes to remain anonymous, though he says he may change his mind. If so, it would be up to our child to track him down when she reaches 18, if she so chooses. But make no mistake; this donor will be the father, but he will not be the dad.

Some people think we should adopt instead, some people think we should accept God's will, which is clearly for us to be childless. And some people are so excited for us that they can hardly wait. Some people have told us what great parents we will be, they've prayed for us and made art for us and sent so much love our way that it makes me hopeful and helps give me faith that this will work, that four years after we started trying to have a baby, it will happen for us. We've talked and dreamed about this for so long, and now this first attempt is only weeks away.

And here's the thing. My husband and I, as we are right now, just the two of us, we're a family. Our marriage is not perfect, it is messy and we get pissed off and frustrated and slam doors and stomp up the stairs and bitch at each other and laugh together every single day and have dance parties in the kitchen to Lady Gaga and love one another unconditionally. Our child will join our family, with its imperfections, and he will be his own person, with his own thoughts and feelings and beliefs. But we will introduce him to all of the wonderful family and friends that we are lucky enough to know and love, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Native American, black, white, Asian, Latino, gay and straight, and he will have the extreme good fortune of getting to know all of those awesome people who will welcome and love him.

That may not be Charles Cooper's idea of family values, but I happen to believe that love is greater than fear and bigotry. Otherwise, what's the point?

Stability Is Nice, But I Want Art Too

2010-11-28T11:28:00.004-06:00

The snow is here. It's just a couple of inches, and it's been a few days since it snowed, so it looks all used and shitty in that weak hazy sunlight. You know what kind I mean. It's that early winter/late autumn sunlight that makes everywhere look like Gary, Indiana. People complain about the lack of sunlight in the winter up here because the weather patterns of the lake usually keep it pretty overcast, but I think gray skies are just aesthetically better than the kind of sun we can get this time of year. Then again, I'm not prone to SAD--my depressive episodes tend to be independent of the weather.

Now that the obligatory Midwestern weather talk is out of the way, I can talk about more important things. Though I can't really think of any. I'm trying to write a novel, in large part because I want to not have to work anymore. Because of course it would be a best-seller and I could LIVE LARGE by just cranking out a book every couple of years. That's how it usually happens, I hear. <----(sarcasm). Honestly, though, I do really want to just do it, to see if I can and see if it's a viable option. I've been telling myself I would give it a go for a while now. Plus, it would be awfully dreamy to stay at home and write for a living, keeping my RN license in order to go off for short disaster-relief stints around the world. Something about finally having an actual career has given me the push to get going on this--it feels like it's now or never, although that's certainly not true. Not being distracted by stress over money worries seems to be helping, too.

The hard part is getting it off the ground. I've got a decent idea for a story, and I know where I want to take it. I think my main problem is taking my time in getting there. I tend to rush ahead, thinking about what comes next, and then I realize I've whipped through a section that really should have had more detail, and then I stare at the screen for twenty minutes trying to figure out what to do about it. Maybe I need to think about it less like a whole story for now and more like my master's thesis and break it down chapter by chapter. I'm also pulling in a lot of my own experience with Rich's death, because I can't really seem to get around that, but it's not a memoir and it's not really based on what actually happened--more like what I desperately wished I had done and wanted to do. Striking that balance is tricky sometimes.

Anyway. I think it will be good. Or at least decent, because I am no fan of shitty writing, including my own, and I won't be responsible for more of it floating out in the world. I hope I finish it before next fall (not an arbitrary deadline, but a subject for another time). Here's to a creative winter.

Waiting for snowfall...

2010-11-17T19:24:00.002-06:00

My tracking software/egotistical spying application tells me that a shit-ton of people have been to my site recently. Mainly for the pictures. Apparently when you give a blog post a title that involves a line out of a Gordon Lightfoot song, the hordes come a-knocking. Note: I am using the terms "shit-ton" and "hordes" very loosely and in comparison to the usual, western-Nebraska-population numbers that generally grace me with their readership.

Things are...well, they just are. I am struggling with some interpersonal conflict. On the upside, I have (and have to keep reminding myself that I have) really awesome people around who outnumber the less-awesome others, and who could totally kick their asses, if they were so inclined, which they are not because they are thoughtful and gentle people. But they could.

Anyway. I'm wondering what else I can do to boost my numbers. Pictures of boobs are always good, but I don't know if that's really the right direction for me. Anyone have any suggestions? What do you want to see/read about? Excitement? Adventure? That would turn this into a fictional endeavor, just to be clear. Or should I just continue with my mundane, self-indulgent, kind of boring blatherings? Cause I have that list, now, you know, and I've got to do this at least twice a month.

The Gales of November, or October, or whatever

2010-10-27T18:01:00.005-05:00

So I've been in The Big Regional Hub for the past three days, doing my chemo certification class and a little bit of following the IV team this morning. I thought I would be doing more of a training, with practice and everything, with them, but when the lady (who had already yelled at me for disparities in our practice--for the record, according to the manufacturer of the device in question, she's wrong) said "You know you're not going to be starting any IVs, right?", I just nodded. Instead I watched, and tried not to get in the way, and unwittingly followed them to the Neuro ICU, which just happens to look damn near identical to the ICU in Boston Medical Center, into the same room per that layout that I spent way too much sad time in, and tried not to hyperventilate. I also got told that we in Ashland are doing most things all wrong, as is becoming the custom for my training up here. I was happy to leave at noon. But at least I got my chemo certification, and three nights at the Sheraton, out of it.

The huge storm showed up sometime Monday night, and I have to say, I really love storms. I especially love storms on Lake Superior. Evidently parts of the lake, nowhere near us, had waves over 25 feet. Awesome. I would pay a lot of money to be able to watch something like this
all day long. I wouldn't want to be out in a canoe on it or anything, but on land at a barely-safe distance? Hell yeah. I've always been in love with the lake, ever since I first saw it as a kid, and a big part of that is due to its potential for this level of scary amazingness. A lot of people have no clue what Superior's really like. Here it is.

Photo from SymonSez blog (googling "Lake Superior waves")

Post-Equinox

2010-10-05T17:56:00.003-05:00

For the first time in a long time, I can't wait for winter. I don't know if it's my advancing age or living here in the north amongst the wilderness and hippies, but I'm getting that whole "in-tune-with-the-seasons" thing going.

This summer was a little exhausting. I really should be smacked for saying that, since I didn't work until August, but it just felt really hectic. And then once I did start working, it felt like Kevin and I were always, always busy. We'd plan on a stay-at-home weekend, then something would come up here, another thing would come up there, and before we knew it our schedule was full. Don't get me wrong, we had fun and I'm so, so glad we have made so many wonderful friends up here, but I am dying for a quiet, snowed-in weekend, just us and some movies and craft projects.

Work is going well, I suppose. I'm starting to get IVs down, although today I tried to start an IV on someone who apparently has concrete coating his veins. When I finally gave up and pulled out the catheter (the needle doesn't stay in, it's just to get through the skin and hopefully the vein), there was no blood on it and it looked like I had jammed it into the wall. Mad skills, yo. But my success rate is slowly improving. I'm trying to keep telling myself to give myself a year to get comfortable in my job--I'm a new nurse, it's a tough specialty--but I'm not great about being patient with myself. I do my chemo certification at the end of the month and once I start doing chemo as well, I'm sure my comfort level will plummet again. But I've got great teachers working with me.

I'll switch to part-time once I'm done training, probably some time in November. It will be awesome to get that extra time back, especially as we start working on the house, but I'm worried about the drop in income. My full-time nurse's paycheck has been pretty nice. But we'll manage. We know how to live poor, and it's only uphill from there. And Kevin has a fantastic job that he absolutely loves, working for a really great guy who builds and restores fine wooden boats. So we're pretty solid, all in all.

I know this is incredibly sappy and unlike me, but I often kind of marvel at how lucky we've been, to move up to this little economically depressed town in rural northern Wisconsin and both find really good jobs right out of school. I think we're definitely home, our little family with our dog and cats. Especially doing what I do, I know that lightning can strike any time and the odds are decent that someday, hopefully a long time from now, it will. But right here and right now, we're happy. Perfection? No, but for now it's pretty damn good.

TCB, yo

2010-09-24T15:39:00.005-05:00

Now that I am employed and no longer living the life of a layabout and good-time Charlie, I'm realizing a couple of things:
1. My free time has become much more precious
2. I need to stop wasting so much of it in order to do the things I really want to do
3. This working thing kind of sucks.

Obviously, I already knew about #3, due to the fact that I have, indeed, worked before. But damn, I enjoyed the schedule of a student. That's 90% of the reason I started that PhD back in the day--too bad that wasn't enough to put up with the bitchiness of academia. And honestly, I knew about #1 and #2 before too, and I've long been putting in half-hearted efforts toward using my time more wisely.

Kevin and I have talked about this quite a bit, and we decided to get rid of our satellite TV. In the northwoods area, this means we can't watch TV at all. It's been surprisingly easy to adjust and the only thing I really miss is watching the news in the morning before work. NPR has filled that gap in to some extent, and it's worth it to know that we will never again blow an entire exceptionally lazy and ill-advised evening watching a 2-hr season recap of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey", despite never having watched, nor having any interest in watching, the show itself.

However, the loss of the ability to get sucked into an evening of "Seinfeld" reruns has not quite had the transformative effect on my goals and focus as I might have hoped. I'm on the Internet less and that helps too, but I decided that what I really needed to do was the 101 Things in 1001 Days project. If you haven't heard of it, it's pretty self-explanatory. If you want more info, google it. I ain't wikipedia.

I've just about completed my list. Some of it's pretty lofty, much of it is fairly mundane. My deadline is June 11, 2013. Below is the list, with an explanation if it's suitable; the stuff that's too personal to share just has a dash in its place. These are supposed to be quantifiable goals, but not all of them are. I figure I'll know when/if I've accomplished them.

1. Study mythology. I've been interested in this for a long time, and it's such a cool way to learn about other cultures. Everyone knows about the Greeks, and a lot of us know the Norse stuff, but how about African? Indonesian? Australian Aboriginal?
2. Learn a new language. I don't know that fluency is realistic, but at least some halting conversational Spanish or French would be nice.
3. Get my Norwegian fluency back. It is shameful how much I've lost, but I know it will come back quickly with a little study.
4. Develop a yoga practice. I'd like to be able to do this on my own, at home, but some classes may be necessary.
5. Pay off at least 1/2 of my credit card debt. Goddamn credit cards.
6. Write a novel. I've got an awesome idea for this, somewhat autobiographical but cooler.
7. Read at least 30 new books. Doesn't sound like much, but it's a good amount and attainable.
8. Get 2/3 of the way through midwifery school. Planning on starting next fall.
9. Finish redo of house interior. We're doing almost every room--ceilings, floors and paint.
10. Knit or crochet one non-accessory item of clothing. Scarves don't count.
11. Find a sport or athletic activity I enjoy and can/will keep doing. Not sure what yet.
12. Go out to the ice caves/sea caves. They're the same thing, just different seasons and walking vs. kayaking. I haven't made it out there yet.
13. Take at least ten pictures a month.
14. Shoot 2 rolls of black-and-white on the A1 every 6 months. Oh, how I love my Canon A1 SLR. It was made in the 60s and has never let me down. I hardly ever use it anymore and I miss photography.
15. Become skilled at IV starts. This is currently kicking my ass. And I don't do well with not doing well.
16. Take a road trip to a different part of the country with Kevin.
17. Become a parent.
18. Attend 5 births. I hope this one works out. I want to have doula-ing be a bigger part of my life.
19. Buy as much food as possible locally. This is getting to be a big issue for me. I think sustainable agriculture is really important, and I want to support it.
20. Create low-care but filled-out flower gardens. Trying to make this house nicer inside and out.
21. Have a successful vegetable garden that produces enough to store.
22. Make different kinds of bread once every month.
23. Study Anishinaabe (Ojibwe) spirituality. I have to confess, I feel very drawn to this. And I'm also very self-conscious and not wanting to be the asshole white girl who co-opts a spiritual practice she thinks is cool. I have good people to help me find my way along the road.
24. Learn the history of this area. I think it's important to know something about the place you live.
25. Enjoy my job as it is, without focusing only on moving on to midwifery. I have a great job. It's not where my heart is, but there is a lot to love about it and I need to appreciate it without just thinking about moving on to the next thing.
26. ---
27. Organize my photos and photo albums. They could currently be described as "a clusterfuck"
28. Catch a walleye.
29. Donate money to 4 different charities. Now that we are not incredibly poor, I want to get in this habit.
30. Go to all of the Apostle Islands.
31. Canoe on the Brule
32. Camp at Amnicon Falls State Park. Not even an hour from here, and it's beautiful.
33. Go to the Keweenaw Peninsula. In the UP. Everyone says it's gorgeous.
34. Stop picking my cuticles. This may prove to be the hardest item on this list.
35. Frame all of our pictures waiting for frames.
36. Make a quilt. A cool one.
37. Stencil a shirt and a skirt. Just a fun project.
38. Make wine.
39.---
40. Make sausage. Sure, it's a little odd, but why not?
41. No gossiping for 2 weeks. I'd like to get out of it entirely, but let's be realistic. Cutting down is a good thing either way.
42. No bitching for a week. Negativity is affecting me more and more as I get older.
43. Learn the constellations.
44. Develop a closer friendship with ---. Just a cool lady I know and like and would like to know better.
45. Take bellydancing classes. I took one before and it's so much fun!
46. ---
47. ---
48. See "Citizen Kane". No, I haven't yet.
49. Focus on the patients, not the workplace. I'm doing this job for them, not the job itself.
50. Get birthday cards out on time.
51. ---
52. Read a book of Mary Oliver poems. I really like the stuff of hers I've read and want to read more.
53. Read Rumi.
54. Go see the Paulding Lights. Google it. They're spooooky.
55. Get up in the middle of the night for a meteor shower.
56. Read "Infinite Jest".
57. Get the 13th Floor Elevators album. Meant to for a long time now.
58. Learn to identify trees.
59. Drink tea 5 times a week. It's good for you.
60. Get Carl Kasell's voice on my home answering machine. If you know, you know, if not, well, you'll have to wait and see.
61. Use the Rollei 3 times. This is Rich's old camera, and it takes really neat pictures and is fun to use.
62. Make a felted hat.
63. ---
64. Learn to make muhammara. It's a roasted red pepper dip and it is delicious. Also it sounds like "hummina hummina."
65. Alter the men's t-shirts I have sitting around. I alter men's shirts to fit my shape and they are super-flattering. It's just a matter of getting it done.
66. Get to know my siblings and their partners better. We've never been close, but they're all pretty cool.
67. Get to know Kevin's brother and his wife better.
68. Hang out with Kevin's cousins. They are fun and interesting people.
69. Learn reiki/healing touch therapy.
70. Blog at least twice a month. Here's one down for September 2010.
71. Learn to competently cross-country ski. As of right now, it is a comedy show.
72. Ski the Book Across the Bay. A nighttime candlelit race from Ashland to Washburn, ending, as so many things in Wisconsin do, in a tent with beer and brats.
73. Replace my non-stick pans with cast iron. The more I hear about Teflon, the more it freaks me out as a cooking material.
74. Finish crocheting my bag of plastic bags. Trust me, it's really cool.
75. Make art/use the things in my craft dresser. I have a dresser full of arts and craft project materials, and they have sat there mostly unused for too long.
76. Buy at least 2 pieces of original art.
77. Spend a couple of hours in one of the used bookstores around here every 6 months. Even if I don't buy anything.
78. Make the project for our 5th anniversary. It's a secret, but it's going to be awesome.
79. Train Shane really well. He's mostly a good boy, but he could use some fine-tuning.
80. Go to the Delta Diner. Awesome restaurant 1/2 hour from here. This will probably happen tomorrow, actually.
81. Get to know --. Another really cool lady that I don't know very well, but want to know better.
82. Spend time with the --s. A couple that we both like a lot. They live kind of far away but it would be worth it to develop more of a friendship with them.
83. Camp on Lake Superior. Like, right on the beach. Doesn't matter where.
84. Take an overnight backpacking trip. I have never done this.
85. Make it to 10 doula meetings a year. And I missed this month's, just this past Monday.
86. Follow through on the things I agree to do. Instead of crapping out largely due to sheer laziness.
87. Talk to B- 4 times a year. One of my oldest friends, and we average twice a year. It should be more.
88. Sew myself 3 items of clothing from scratch.
89. Watch "Deadwood". People tell me it's really good. We'll see about that.
90. Have a date night with Kevin every other week. Even if it's just cards at the Black Cat, I think it's important for us to get out of the house.
91. Go to Madison at least once a year. I miss it.
92. Take the canoe out at least 4 times each season.
93. Learn to identify birds.
94. Have a party. Maybe when the house is done, to show it off?
95. Save at least $5000 in personal savings.
96. ---
97. Send out Christmas cards. I never get around to it.
98. Go to Long Lake. Again, very close to here, supposed to be very nice, never been there.
99. Go hiking in the Chequamegon National Forest.
100. Swim in Lake Superior at least 5 times every summer. Unless it's a freakishly cold summer, because I'm not into torture.
101. Recognize that having a list of goals does not make me an advanced person and refrain from becoming a pain in the ass about this.

That's it. My next 990 (cause I made this list last week) or so days in a nutshell. Here we go.

Shirley Sherrod

2010-07-27T12:10:00.002-05:00

This woman has gotten royally screwed, and it's a national disgrace. If you don't know who I'm talking about, you're probably not much for paying attention to the news. Understandable, I say, when the news is so full of information that makes one a little bit stabby. Regardless, Shirley Sherrod used to be the Georgia State Director of Rural Development at the USDA. She held that post until the useless piece of human excrement over at biggovernment.com decided it would be just awesome to cut video of a speech she made at the NAACP back in the 1980s to make it seem as if she was bragging about withholding assistance to white farmers (Ms. Sherrod is black), post it, and make sure Fox News got its subhuman little hands on it. From there it was a short trip to mainstream media and the government, who demanded her resignation, calling her on her BlackBerry to let her know her career was over, and telling her she needed to pull over to the side of the road so that she could email in her resignation ASAP.

Okay, deep breath. If this woman had actually been boasting about being a racist, and had followed up her statement of "I did not give (a white farmer) the full force of what I could do," with "I told that cracker to go fuck himself!", then yes, she should have lost her job. But, oh, hey, she wasn't standing in front of the NAACP regaling members with her bigoted shenanigans, she was telling a story about how she learned to overcome her own prejudices and recognize that white farmers were as deserving of help as black farmers (by the way, those prejudices may have been formed when her father was murdered by a white man who was acquitted, despite overwhelming evidence, by a white jury. It's a possibility).

And it might be easy to see why people got so upset about this and jumped the gun, except for a couple of issues. One, you would have to be a combination of crazy and stupid to think that the edited clip was the extent of the point she was making. I've seen it, and she is clearly making a bigger point than "I don't like white people"; there is quite obviously more to the story she is telling.

Two, you would have to be lazy as fuck to take the word of an anti-government Tea Party blogger, and run with the bait he so carefully laid out, rather than, oh, I don't know, practice a little journalism, a little research, and see what the entire speech said. No one should ever take the word of any blogger, including me. Look it up for yourself and get your own accurate and reliable information before you open your cakehole. Blogs are free and easy to set up, and having one only guarantees that the blogger can type and navigate the Internet. That's all. Everyone in the media, as well as the government, should be good and goddamned ashamed of themselves for being such a bunch of unquestioning, let-others-do-the-work-for-you suckers. I'm amazed they're not all broke from sending their bank account numbers to deposed Nigerian princes.

And three, the fact that so many people blindly accepted this pile of crap as true shows their own racism, in that they think that such an open statement of bigotry would be par for the course at an NAACP meeting, as if such gatherings are all about celebrating situations when they were able to stick it to Whitey. This may be the most depressing point of all. The NAACP is far from perfect, but the assumption of inherent racism in their organization, and the antagonism between the races that has been teased out of this whole fucked up story makes it abundantly clear that we are nowhere near the "post-racial society" that all of the idiots on CNN and MSNBC were crowing about on Inauguration Day.

Cobwebs? What cobwebs?

2010-07-17T21:11:00.003-05:00

I'm pretty sure any readers I did have gave up long ago. I can't blame them, seeing as how this blog has been left all forlorn and outdated. It's like the online, self-indulgent version of a foreclosed house with nests of squirrels in the rumpus room, or possibly Eden Prairie Center, circa 1996--I hear it's been somewhat revitalized now, though.

I won't even pretend that I've been busy. I've been a freaking housewife for the last two months. Not a bad gig, really, save for the humiliating poverty and the guilt of watching Kevin commute 45 minutes each way to work a stressful job with crappy pay. But hey, he hasn't had to vacuum or wash dishes in two months, so it's been a tradeoff for him.

Somehow, in the midst of all of my floor-scrubbing and laundry--okay, and gardening, reading, developing a half-assed workout regime, and dicking around on the Internet--I found time to attend graduation ceremonies, study for and pass boards to get my RN license, and, oh yeah, GET A JOB THAT USES MY DEGREE!!!

A big part of me didn't think it would really happen, at least not this quickly. But it did, it totally did, and I'm so excited. Actually, getting this job is a big honor and I'm really lucky in a lot of ways. It's here in town, which in and of itself is huge--I was prepared to have to commute to Duluth, which would have sucked a whole lot. I will be working at the cancer center, a satellite clinic of a large Duluth-based medical center. Among other things, this means that I will get really good at starting IVs. I will also be working straight days, no weekends, no holidays; this is practically unheard of in nursing. And, best of all, I get to develop relationships with my patients and play an important role in their treatments and, hopefully, remission. I start in two weeks.

Not everything has been sunshine and butterflies. A friend died in April. I lost a friend, my wonderful friend and mentor lost the love of her life, and the community lost an incredible leader. It's been hard and we all miss him a great deal. He was one of those people who truly inspires you to be a better person, and everyone who knew him is a million times better for it. He was very involved in our doula group--not as a doula, but in the role he played for so many of us, as a spiritual and cultural adviser. Our doula group is also incredible, and we have been able to support each other through it (especially the people that particularly feel the loss), remember and honor him, and will continue to do so.

That was the big one, but there are always little things that keep everything from being perfect. Despite that, I am ridiculously happy right now. I have a kick-ass husband, really great friends, gainful employment, an awesome family, and I get to live in this gorgeous area where I can see the big lake every day. Because I'm me, a little part of me is wondering when the shoe's going to drop. But I was talking to a friend today and mentioned this, and she very wisely told me, "Yeah, I think it's inevitable to feel that way. But all you can do is enjoy it while it lasts." So I will.

YOU FAIL!

2010-01-27T20:54:00.004-06:00

It has not been a stellar week here in Nursing Student Land.

A little background: without trying to sound like an arrogant prick, I've developed, in the last year and a half of school, a reputation as "The Smart One". School has always come relatively easy for me, and nursing school has not been an exception. I have also worked pretty damn hard to learn as much as possible and develop my skills and knowledge base, because I want to be a good nurse. Would you want the nurse who skated through school taking care of you? Me neither. So I've pushed myself.

Clinicals have been stressful, but I've always gotten through them with relative ease and honestly surprised myself a little with how comfortable I've gotten. But. Now, in the final semester of school, clinicals are all business and intense and we are expected to be getting to the point of professional nurses in this 8-week rotation. And guess who made some significant fuck-ups this week?

Yesterday I went home early, after getting an hour of sleep, doing half-assed assessments, and informing my instructor I was not up to the task. I knew I wouldn't make any med errors simply because she was watching me and would stop me if I was about to do so, but I also knew I wasn't learning anything and she offered me the opportunity to make up the time instead of sleepwalking through the day. I was ultra-professional about it and cried. I cry over literally nothing when I'm trying to function on an hour of sleep.

Today, after ten hours of sleep, I felt great. I got my assessments and meds in on time, helped get one of my patients who was being discharged ready to leave, had a successful IV start, etc. My instructor explained to me the charting that had to be done for a discharge and I nodded and took notes. Then completely forgot to do it. I went home feeling pretty confident about my performance and the day I'd had, until checking my email and finding a note from my instructor. She had reviewed my charting after I left and wrote to tell me that since I hadn't completed the discharge charting that she had specifically told me to do, and had additionally missed some of the "safety" charting (hourly rounds completed, bed in low position, etc.), I would need to go back and do it, and I'd be getting an unsatisfactory grade for this week's clinical in documentation. Can't really argue with that.

So after swearing at myself a little, I went back to the hospital tonight to make the required entries. This misstep bothers me a lot, both on the personal-disappointment-in-myself level as well as just being embarrassing. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a huge deal. No one was in danger because of my charting inadequacies. But it still needed to be done, and it should have been done, and it was simple carelessness that it wasn't done. And it's not the part about getting in trouble that bothers me the most, but the fact that my ego, and my confidence, takes a huge hit when I fuck up. Which probably isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it blows nonetheless.

I'm not going to fail clinicals because of this, and I'm not in danger of failing clinicals generally. There are working RNs who work like this all the time. But I don't want to have another week like this, and I have to figure out how I'm going to organize myself to make sure I'm not missing assessments and charting and feeling like a flailing idiot. And I think the best way to start that, at this moment, is with a big glass of wine.

The Haters

2010-01-15T11:14:00.003-06:00

So prominent "Christian" Pat Robertson has determined that the earthquake and consequent horrifying suffering in Haiti is due to their "pact with the devil", i.e. the voodoo ritual that was performed before the slave revolution in the early 1800s. I guess God would agree that revenge is a dish best served cold, according to the illustrious Rev.

This man is a douchebag. And while he is being roundly condemned in the media and by many, many pastors and priests, I know that there are plenty of people who think he's right on.

Let me just say that I am not a fan of organized religion in general. I think that too often, it is used to justify hatred, violence, oppression and intolerance. I'm not opposed to Jesus, but I find many of his followers nauseating.

I don't claim to be an expert on the Bible, but I have read enough to know that Jesus was the original bleeding heart liberal. He talked a lot about kindness, caring for the poor, reaching out to those in need. He also, if I recall correctly, made it a point to say that one should not be talking shit about "God's Will" and taking it upon himself of herself to determine whose misfortune is a result of punishment for their wicked, wicked ways.

I am incredibly sick of people who split their time between proclaiming their superior Christian-ness and spewing hate. I know too many people like this and I want to punch them in the throat. Not very Christian of me, either, but then I'm not pretending to be the Supergirl of Holier Than Thou. As my mother likes to say, "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." How 'bout a little more "Love thy neighbor" and "Judge not, lest ye be judged", and a little less "Yer goin' to hell, sinner!" Just a thought.

And regarding Haiti, since no one ever comments here I have no idea how many readers I have. But I know I have 510 views on my profile, so someone's reading. I posted this link on Facebook this morning and I'll put it here too. Partners in Health has people and facilities already established and on the ground in Haiti, and they do really good work. I know that some people are running donation drives on their blogs, where they donate so much money for every comment they get. I wish I could do that, too, but I want to at least put this link up. I urge everyone to click on the link and donate, even if it's just $10. It adds up, and since PIH is already established, more of your money will go to the people who need it, rather than to setting up an infrastructure for the org. Thanks.

Photo taken from hotindienews.com

Navel-gazing

2010-01-13T19:55:00.005-06:00

It's time to compartmentalize a bit. I've been thinking about my blog lately, and I realized that I spend a lot of time talking about how things were "back in the day". And while there's nothing inherently wrong with this, I'm feeling like I need to try to focus myself more, and somehow that led to a second blog. So now I'm one of those people, with a blog for every individual purpose. But I like the idea of a blog dedicated to backstory, to all the swirling crap that has made me the person I am this very minute, all the good and bad. It's here. Which means if you're sick of my "back in the day" rambling, you can theoretically avoid them by not reading my other blog. Because I'm totally going to stay on topic from now on. Totally.

So here I am, four months from graduating nursing school. Holy shit, has it ever gone quickly. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I feel like I'm ready to be done. I know I'm ready to have a reasonable income. But sometimes I get overwhelmed by how much I still don't know. Which is really par for the course and to paraphrase a doctor I met recently, any graduating or new grad nurse who isn't overwhelmed by how much they don't know has their head up their ass. There's an awful lot to learn.

I'm still not worried about finding a job. I should be, but I'm not. I don't know if I'm hopelessly naive or determined to be an idiot, or if I'm right in having that faith. A lot of other people in my class are freaking out about it, they don't want to have to work in a nursing home but those are the best options around here. The hospital in town is small and rarely hires nurses. Rather than struggle for the few jobs in town, I've decided to just start my search in Duluth. It's an hour commute, but I'd get a lot more experience with more critical patients (regardless of my field) and learn a ton. We'll see how that pans out.

I'm so happy that I walked away from my degrees and my previous dreams. I was joking with someone recently that you turn 30 and have to choose money over your dreams, but in reality, my dreams have just changed. The life I thought I wanted, submersed in politics and foreign affairs on the East Coast, sounds so unappealing to me now. Fancypants academic discussions about conflict resolutions, complete with terms like "consociational", have moved to passionate discussions about whether and how we can get a birth center built in the area. I've gone from wanting to influence foreign policy to wanting to catch babies. It's such huge shift to have made in such a short time: just over five years ago I was a PhD student in Washington DC, and now I'm preparing to graduate technical college in Ashland, Wisconsin. And even if I wasn't totally satisfied with the way my life has turned out up til now, there is no denying that Lake Superior kicks the Tidal Basin's ass any day of the week.

All nursing school, all the time

2009-10-23T09:26:00.006-05:00

Returning to the abandoned blog. It's been busy, although less stressful than last year, I think. Somehow we're already over halfway through the semester and I'll be done with this program in 7 months. The supposed class from hell, Complex Health Alterations, has proven to be not all that bad, as long as I do the reading. My lazy ass has managed to get it together enough to do quite well, which has been a nice surprise.

Clinicals have been a million times better than they were last year. Especially during first semester, I dreaded clinicals. I was thrilled when they were done for the semester. But we've had several weeks of them now and they haven't been too bad. Okay, I should clarify that. We finished our acute care/med-surg clinical last week and, apart from the pain-in-the-ass-ness of having to go to a hospital over an hour away and be gone for two nights a week, it was great. Learned a lot, got called "an angel" (HA!) by a patient, got to start my first IV. It was a successful start on the first try, but it wasn't a particularly proud moment. Mainly because once I got it into the vein, I started shaking and completely forgot what to do next, and ended up with blood on the floor. Hey, it happens. The very nice RN who was overseeing me quickly took over and got the saline lock on, and I taped it up. This clinical really was a good experience overall.

Now we're in mental health, and I'm surprised at how much I don't like it. It's not like last year, I don't dread going back next week and I'm learning a lot, but it's getting to me. It's hard to go home and set it aside, and I haven't been able to do it. I just keep thinking about it. It's kind of horrifying to be faced with live evidence of just how much psychological damage one person can inflict on another human being.

Before we started this rotation, I thought I would really like it and might be interested in working in it for a while, but not so much. I think you have to have a certain combination of empathy, excellent communication skills, and an ability to care about what happens to people, but not too much--be dispassionate. I can do empathy, I can do communication, but I have a hard time with the dispassion. It's probably something I should work on in general, but I doubt I'll ever get it enough to work in mental health.

A little thing called empathy, and how it seems to be in short supply these days

2009-08-27T13:58:00.008-05:00

Let's talk about health care for a minute.

I'm one of the 50 million uninsured. I'm not an illegal immigrant*, nor am I a welfare queen with increasing numbers of children to collect my ill-gotten government spoils (psst, by the way, all those welfare queens live with unicorns and leprechauns and gay agenda recruiters in the fevered land of Conservative Imagination), nor am I a shiftless substance abuser who spends all day on her Play Station. I'm a nursing student who is working hard to get through school so I can get a job that will provide health insurance, most likely at outrageous premiums. By this time next year, I should have health care coverage and no longer have to live in fear of injuring myself or finding a lump in my breast. But until then, I'm shit out of luck, a point that was hammered home three weeks ago when I developed an abscess in my throat.

An abscess is a pocket of infection. It can develop anywhere in the body as a result of trauma, illness, or the whims of the gods. Mine was the latter; I hadn't been sick until I woke up with a swollen throat and pressure in my sinuses. Within 18 hours the pain was so bad I had Kevin drive me to the ER. Now, I'm no dummy, I knew this would cost me. I'm also no big fan of using the ER for non-emergencies, but it was 2 AM and I was in incredible pain. I was hoping for strep so I could get antibiotics and clear it up, but the rapid test came back negative and the doctor told me it was most likely viral, gave me a couple of Vicodin for the pain, and sent me home. Time spent from check-in to discharge: 25 minutes. Tally of procedures done: vital signs, strep culture, ear nose and throat assessment, the ubiquitous tapping of sinuses, and administration of 2 Vicodin by mouth. Tally of money owed by me to the hospital at this point: $800.

36 hours later, my throat is worse--it's so swollen it looks like a mushy red ping pong ball back there and I have to psych myself up each time I need to swallow. I'm taking painkillers around the clock. The one community clinic for uninsured and low-income patients (aside from the tribal clinics, which are excellent but serve specific populations only) in the area, which is 25 miles away, can't get me in, so we go back to the hospital to go to their walk-in clinic. Instead of the walk-in clinic, I get triaged back into the ER and I'm hoping this time the strep test will be positive so I don't look like a big baby who can't wait out the virus. Nobody rolls their eyes or calls me a baby. The doctor takes one look in my throat, becomes visibly alarmed, and orders a complete blood count and a CT scan with contrast. The cost of this concerns me until I get a shot of morphine. They start an IV, poke and prod me, flood me with dye that makes it feel like I've just peed myself, and scan my head and neck. This time, I'm there for 2 hours and they flirt with the idea of sending me by ambulance to Duluth for surgery, at which point not even morphine can keep my brain from flipping back to what little I know about the procedure of declaring bankruptcy. They consult by phone with the ENT specialist in Duluth, who thinks it's fine if I just come and see him in his office in the morning. Fortunately, when we show up there the next day, he declares the CT scan results "impressive" but thinks it can be cleared up with some heavy-duty antibiotics and surgery isn't necessary. I can't even tally the procedures done, but I did get IV antibiotics and steroids for the swelling, the CT scan, blood tests, morphine, and some other stuff. Total for this ER visit: just shy of $3000. Total for the 20 minutes I spent with the ENT specialist in Duluth while he looked in my throat and checked out the CD of my scan: $176.

So you're probably thinking, well, those scans and ER visits are expensive, everyone knows that. True. But since people who have insurance often don't see an itemized bill of their medical visits (and insurance often negotiates for more reasonable fees than we uninsured schmucks have to pay), you might be interested to see how those charges add up. For example, just for walking into the ER with a "mod/high severity" problem, I was charged $325.80. Throw in a doctor to see me at that level and it's another $386.40. And my personal favorite, when I got that shot of morphine, it cost $109.60. Not including the morphine. Just getting the injection cost that much. If I'd have known that, I could have done it myself and I wouldn't have even charged them. Hell, starting the IV only cost half that, which makes no sense since it's a much more skilled task. I think the nurses' union should really be pushing for a cut of this, cause that nurse earned the hospital over $150 for less than five minutes worth of work.

Now, here's the thing that really chapped my ass and made me finally get around to writing this little autobiography/tirade (the tirade's on its way, in case you were wondering). I got yet another bill the other day for the services of a radiologist, for $266. You might think those services would be included in the $1115.75 the hospital's charging me for the CT scan, but you would be wrong. I called the billing person to ask about the bill, saying I had a question about it. She immediately starts firing questions at me about how I'm going to pay for it--Visa or MasterCard? I finally get a chance to break in and ask if I can ask my own question and she graciously allows it, so I tell her I'm unclear as to what the bill is for. She said it was for the person who read the scan.

Okay. Here's the deal: the doctor in the ER told me I had a peritonsillar abscess. As I found out the next day from the specialist in Duluth, this was not possible, as I haven't had tonsils since I was eight. I did have an abscess and it was in my throat, but placement matters. It matters to potential airway restriction, it matters to whether or not the abscess can spread into other areas, like, oh, maybe your brain (and I realize that sounds like a scare-mongering urban myth but my brother had a friend and co-worker die of such a thing and I would rather not die from something so preventable, thanks). So if, in fact, there was a radiologist on duty who passed that information on to the ER doc (a question in and of itself as it was after hours), he didn't really know what the fuck he was talking about. So I get to pay $266 for some incompetent baseless speculation, which obviously thrills me to no end.

So now all of this ER excitement and billing madness is of course going on at the same time as these heated healthcare debates. And you know what? I'm sitting here looking at over $4000 in medical bills, which is really nothing compared to what it could have been and what a lot of other people have to deal with it, and I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING HEAR ANY MORE OF THIS RIDICULOUS "SOCIALISM" FEAR-MONGERING BULLSHIT. Health care that doesn't bankrupt people is not supposed to be a special treat for a lucky few, and it shouldn't be set aside as a privilege for those lucky enough to have a decent job that offers decent health insurance. Making sure everyone in our country can get and afford health care is not socialism or fascism (and, little tip to crazy screaming people who think only some people deserve health care--socialism is the polar opposite of fascism. Read up on some basic political theory before you get too wild-eyed to read anything). It is called taking care of your community.

Worried about your taxes going up? To be honest, yes, they probably would go up with single-payer health care coverage, which is the system that Canada has. But consider for just a minute how much you pay in monthly premiums for your health insurance coverage through your employer, assuming you're lucky enough to have health coverage. When Kevin and I did have insurance, we paid $300 a month to cover both of us under his plan, and that is not at all unusually high. $3600 a year, while we were making around 35-40K a year between the two of us. That's 10% of our income! Do you honestly believe that taxes for the average family, simply for health care coverage, would be $3600 a year if we had a single-payer system? You might, and if you do, you've probably fully convinced yourself and I should just leave you to drawing Hitler mustaches on pictures of Obama. But for the rest of you, really stop and think about it. Think about how many people Medicare covers right now, and look at the amount of money taken out of your paycheck for that, then use your head and apply some critical thinking skills.

So numbers are fine, but for me, I just don't like the fact that so many of us think it's perfectly okay that someone can get prostate cancer and his friends have to hold a bake sale to pay for his chemo. I don't like the fact that someone having a heart attack may not just be terrified about whether or not she's going to live, but whether or not this is going to cost her her house. I don't like it. I'm not working my ass off to become a nurse because I think only certain people deserve to be treated without having to worry about how they're going to come up with the money to pay for it. Nobody gets sick on purpose. Throw around all the value judgments you want about obesity and health care costs, but marathon runners have heart attacks too. Yes, we all have an obligation to ourselves and our loved ones to do what we can to take care of ourselves, but the fact of the matter is, sometimes illness and injuries just happen, and it's out of our control, and we all deserve to be able to focus on healing without worrying about finding a decent bankruptcy lawyer.

*For what it's worth, I have no problem with undocumented immigrants, but I know there is much hysteria about OMG those people don't even belong here and they can just waltz into any of OUR hospitals and get emergency health care?!! This is another topic entirely and one that I don't care to get into right now, but let me just say that if you think someone should be allowed to bleed to death because they snuck into this country illegally because it's the only way they could earn any money to feed their family, you are missing a serious chunk of your humanity. That goes double if you call yourself a Christian.

Radio hasn't been any good since Clear Channel anyway

2009-07-30T16:10:00.003-05:00

Hi there. I'm paranoid and insecure. How are you?

A while ago I was reading every piece of non-fiction that Anne Lamott wrote, and I came across a particularly brilliant section discussing our own capacity to sabotage ourselves. She had a nickname for the constant yammering that goes on in our heads sometimes, criticizing and nitpicking and pointing out our general suckiness and lack of worth. It's the radio station known as KFKD, or K-Fucked.

KFKD's been getting a lot of airtime these days. My own personal version features an endless loop of "Nobody really likes you", "You did it wrong, again", "Your capacity for lameness is never-ending" and "Come On Eileen". I can't stand "Come On Eileen".

I'm exaggerating, slightly (but not about "Come On Eileen"--that song blows). KFKD's definitely been blasting the airwaves, but it's not quite that bad. I think my capacity for lameness does have limits. But my insecurity annoys me. And my capacity for tearing myself down actually doesn't seem to have limits.

What I'm about to say isn't earth-shattering. I've seen it in several feminist-leaning blogs of late. But I think it bears repeating, over and over and over, until it finally starts to sink in. When I step back and look at all the crappy thoughts I have about myself, then imagine having those thoughts about a friend, I'm kind of horrified. I would never look at a friend and say, "Wow, your arms look enormous in that shirt. And you're not half as interesting as you think you are. And no one really likes you. I'm amazed you think anyone does." But apparently, I'm perfectly willing to direct that kind of abusive garbage at myself, if only mentally. And that's kind of sick.

KFKD sucks. It's the worst radio station ever, and that's even without having to listen to Casey Kasem and ads for monster truck rallies (We'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge!). I wish the FCC would slap a humongous fine on it and shut it down, because I can't always figure out how to just turn it off. Maybe I can drown it out with The Soviettes or something. Or maybe I can slowly inch down the volume until it finally goes away.

We don't need no stinkin' air conditioner

2009-06-20T16:27:00.003-05:00

Why yes it has been five weeks since I wrote last. I'm not happy with the quality of the stuff I've been writing lately, so I just kind of abandoned it for a while. Because everyone knows the best way to get better at something is not to do it, and then you will magically improve.

Summer is finally here; it's in the 80s and sunny today. No small feat when you realize it was in the 40s two weeks ago. We don't have normal seasons like the rest of the country. We have a short, pleasant fall, a freakishly long sunless winter, and a drawn-out spring. Then we get a couple of months of summer, and everyone loses their fucking minds. It's so gorgeous here in the summer, which is the whole reason most of us live here, and there's like this crazy energy, everyone trying to cram in as much as they possibly can before it starts getting cold again.

My internship is great, I wish I could just stay there. I'm learning a ton about the tribal culture and hoping to pick up a few more Ojibwe words before the summer ends, and meeting some really cool people. Plus I get to do so much community nurse networking and research, which is such a benefit, career-wise.

I'm thinking again about becoming a midwife. I had kind of shoved the idea aside after I realized no way in hell would I want a job that keeps me on call 24-7. But if there were a possibility of some kind of practice with other nurse midwives, maybe even a birth center, well, damn, why not? It becomes a lot more appealing when that enters the equation, and it's definitely not out of the question. I have a couple of years to decide, but I'm starting to get kind of excited about the idea.

Finally, Kevin and I had our third anniversary a couple of weeks ago. It doesn't seem like three years. I actually get a little spooked when I think about how fast time is going by. Still, three years ain't bad. And all of that stuff about marriage being hard work is bullshit. It's only hard work if you find it difficult to put a little effort into appreciating your spouse, communicating openly, showing love and affection, and maintaining a baseline of consideration for each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sometimes it requires more, but essentially, that's it and you're good. So suck it, Dr. Phil.

P.S. I chopped all my hair off. I'm officially resigning myself to getting only basic haircuts here and finishing them myself. My too-long "pixie" cut became distinctly helmet-y in less than three weeks, so I took a pair of nail scissors to it and am much happier now.

Is laziness a symptom of sunstroke?

2009-05-11T15:09:00.006-05:00

I should really be studying for my last exam right now, but dammit, I spent the morning eating cinnamon rolls and drinking coffee with three of my fellow students out on our brand new deck under the pretense of going over our group project, and nothing will kill your motivation to memorize vaccination schedules and childhood disease like the combination of sunshine, caffeine and 4000 grams of sugar. You'd think it would be the opposite, right? It's not.

It's hard to believe the first year of school is over. I'm halfway done! I'm pretty much completely dreading this fall, as third semester seems to be the most hellacious, according to everyone who's been through it. I do love being in school, but that's not to say that there's not a ton of bullshit that comes along with it, and it often makes me pissy. I'm happy to have my internship this summer and I'm hoping that I'll love it so much that it will keep me motivated through the next year. That might be a tall order.

On an entirely different note, I'm debating chopping my hair off again. I want to go back to the pixie cut I had my last summer in Boston. It was freaking adorable. I had one picture of myself during that time; it was on my old laptop and it failed to occur to this idiot to save it to my flash drive when I wiped my hard drive clean. So you'll just have to take my word for it.

Dog and Pony Show

2009-04-17T11:20:00.006-05:00

So, like just about everyone else with a blog and two sentences to string together, I want to write about Susan Boyle. Susan Boyle, she of the unkempt eyebrows and stunning vocal talent, who has been all over the news this week for, apparently, shocking the hell out of everyone with the news that physically "unattractive" people aren't totally worthless.

There are a number of approaches to take with this story. This is a really great piece about how satisfying it is to watch all of those rude, smug, eyerolling motherfuckers have those smirks wiped right off their faces as soon as she opens her mouth. And there is a lot of truth to that, and she's right, there's something very inspirational about watching it happen.

But here's what's chapping my ass about this story: the fact that international news has been made by the idea that this woman is an "unlikely talent" because she isn't pretty and she's older and she's kind of awkward. In some of the news coverage, she's presented as something akin to a dog that can do trigonometry, like some kind of astonishing conundrum. Which is so unbelievably offensive and such a depressing statement on what we as a society value and how we make snap judgments on the worth of another human being.

The fact that all of those people were scoffing at Susan Boyle, ready to dismiss her without hearing one single note of her singing is fucking gross. And not one of those judges, who were rolling their eyes and reacting in exactly the same way as the teenage mean girls in the audience before she started singing, expressed any shame at their shallow judgment of her; their comments after the song all equate to, "Wow, good for you for having something so amazing to offer, who'd have guessed."

I guess success is the best revenge and it's not like anyone would actually expect any of those shallow tools to engage in anything approximating serious soul-searching, but it would be nice to see some kind of reflection on why this story has become international news. It says so much more about our values than it does about Susan Boyle. But in any case, I hope she becomes incredibly rich and famous and stays true to herself, and only waxes her eyebrows if it's what she really wants to do.

Hot DAMN!

2009-03-31T17:44:00.005-05:00

I was informed today that I got the summer internship that I desperately wanted. I was getting all set for disappointment, because that's what usually happens, then, wham, one cheery phone call from Madison later and I'm all set up. It's an amazing internship, as seen below in bulletpoints.

maternal/child public health at the reservation clinic
working with a photography project on parental support systems
a super-cool mentor
paid

I'm so excited, I may wet myself. Lord knows how I'll hold out for the next two months before it starts.

Chart-toppin' hair

2009-03-29T15:05:00.007-05:00

I got a haircut a couple of weeks ago.

Let me preface all of this by saying that I am extremely picky about my hair, but not in the way that most girls are. I will go from having hair below my shoulders to a pixie cut without a second thought. I don't understand people who fret about whether they should risk dying their hair at home--I have handed over a large amount of money to the L'Oreal corporation throughout the years, along with Clairol and whoever owns Manic Panic now. I have cut my own hair on many occasions and the only thing that stops me from doing that all the time is that it doesn't look good for as long as a professional cut--but it's kickass for a good week or so. I'm picky in that I want it choppier than almost anyone will give me and I want an interesting haircut and I fucking hate it when they insist on blow-drying it with a round brush. The best haircut I ever had was last year when I went to this punk rock girl and told her to give me any kind of short haircut she wanted.

So, anyway, a couple of weeks ago I got what was supposed to be this haircut:

Which is adorable. And in theory, it's a very similar haircut. She actually listened when I told her my hair is deceptively thick and she razored the hell out of it. But I don't know if it's that my hair just won't do this or she cut it a little too short or I'm just not cute enough for this cut, because it's not working out. I will have it looking acceptable in the morning before I leave the house, then I'll run to the bathroom after a couple of hours of class and, oh, look, there's Pat Nixon.

Which is horrifying and also defies understanding, because Pat looks like she had some seriously high-maintenance hair. How is it that a couple of hours spent on something other than tending to my hairstyle leaves me with a Republican Helmet Coif?

I'm hoping that a couple of weeks of growth will solve this problem. Thank all that is holy, it's already outgrown the default it had for the first week or so, where I looked like I was just about to go grab myself a Bartles & Jaymes and order my 6-year-old to the Seven-'Leven to pick up a couple packs of Kools. At least it makes a cute ponytail.

Rebel Girl

2009-03-02T19:15:00.007-06:00

Last night Kevin and I watched Don't Need You: The Herstory of Riot Grrrl. It was a little thin and it was obvious that it was someone's college project, but it was interesting nonetheless. Ian MacKaye of Fugazi/Minor Threat/general-pain-in-the-ass fame earned my everlasting disgust by moronically saying, "I don't really consider myself a feminist; that's probably due to a lack of reading about the subject." Dude, you get up on your high fucking horse about every social issue that exists, but you can't be bothered to learn about one of the most important social movements of the last century? Screw you.

Watching it got me thinking about what I was doing during the whole early-mid-nineties riot grrl/punk revival thing that was going on. Looking back, I can't believe I didn't embrace it with wild abandon. I was a feminist before I was brave enough to call myself one, I had definite punk rock sensibilities, I read Sassy, for christ's sake. But I didn't know where to start and I was always, always too intimidated to join in; the people were so much cooler than me. I've never really gotten over that. I still feel like it's the cool kids table and I'm waaay too dorky to try and set my tray down.

Kathleen Hanna's interview was so great, because she was so normal and adorable and talked about how scared she got when things got out of control at Bikini Kill shows. And so much of what she said just resonated, like when she was saying she could never stand to hear her own voice and still can barely listen to her albums, and how that seems to be such a common thing for girls. And, yeah, why is that? Why do we have that problem? Let's collectively knock it off, shall we?

I wish it hadn't taken me until my mid-twenties to grow enough of a pair to start exploring this stuff. I wish I had spent more time making art and writing and DOING something instead of watching lame TV. I hope I'm able to get over the idea that I'm too old now and start fitting this stuff in a little more than I have been.

procrastiwhining

2009-02-26T13:57:00.003-06:00

I should really be working on a care plan right now. It's not due til the 9th, but it would be really nice to get it in early. But spending the morning hanging out in the local coffee shop plus a snowstorm, which always makes me feel really lazy, has left me disinclined to do much more than poke around on the Internet, where apparently everyone is pregnant or has a gorgeous new baby.

So, okay. Objectively, it is really good to not have children while we're in school. It makes things so much easier, and I know this. Believe me, I know this. But. It's getting really really hard to see all of these people I know who are pregnant and having kids left and right. I'm super happy for all of them, I really am. I've put a lot of effort into not turning into someone who resents those who get pregnant at the drop of a condom or already have the family they want. I'm thrilled that people I care about are happy.

I don't idealize parenthood, by any means. I know it often sucks and is beyond hard. I've seen the screeching tantrums in the grocery store. That's not the point. It's deeper than that and impossible to explain to someone who doesn't already know what it's like. I don't really expect anyone to get it otherwise; I certainly wouldn't have. I try to let the stupid comments roll off my back, unless they're just really blindingly ignorant.

Frankly, sometimes I'm glad we don't have anyone to take care of, like when I was sick last week. Sometimes I don't think about it at all. But a lot of the time, it just feels so glaringly obvious that something's missing.

Cognitive dissonance

2009-02-21T16:40:00.004-06:00

I went out with some friends from school last night. We were supposed to see some band called Shotgun Betsy, which was supposed to be three women who do Hank III covers and such. But it was the wrong night and apparently the band is three dudes, not women. So we sat in the bar and drank beer and played Bonnie Tyler and Pat Benatar on the jukebox. It probably ended up being a better time than it would have been had the band been playing, because my friends are a lot of fun and interesting to talk to and one of the reasons I like school so much. Still, when they mentioned a party tonight, I said "Eh, I don't know, two nights in a row?"

A few minutes later I said, "If you had told me seven years ago that I would be turning down an invitation to a party on Saturday night to sit at home in my yoga pants and watch TV, I would have told you to fuck off." Yes, I am becoming old and tired. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, I couldn't care less because my lazy hibernation impulse has become an overwhelming force. On the other hand, I miss the days when all I did was go out and all I wanted to do was go out.

On yet another hand, I'm not sure what to think about the fact that the time of my life when I was socializing the most and having the most fun, a time that I remember with a great deal of fondness and nostalgia, was also the most traumatic and tragic time I ever hope to experience. And now that I'm at my most boring, I'm also at my most content. Maybe that's the key.

When your fantasies turn into "Helter Skelter"

2009-02-12T18:15:00.007-06:00

Oh, Joaquin. You were at the top of my "No Questions Asked" list (the list of people I could have an affair with, no questions asked. Kevin disagrees with the theory behind the list but I figure we can cross that bridge when we get to it). But you'll have to take care of this Charles Manson thing you've got going on right now before we can get it on, my friend. You can use this as a guideline:

See? Look how nice you clean up. Go on, shave off that beard and quit acting all crazy-like, then come give mama some sugar.

Blargh post

2009-02-03T17:58:00.003-06:00

I have been wanting to write, I have stuff to say, but I'm exhausted and over-worked beyond all reason at the moment and can't even really justify the time spent on this little whine. This is the week from hell and I had to exercise all of my "Oh no you di-int" muscles last night when a fellow student finally crossed the laziness tolerance line (which I don't do unless pushed really really far-- I'm Not Always Nice, but I don't do a lot of confrontation, as most people familiar with me know), and I'm counting down the hours until I get a chance to drink an extra glass of wine.

Just, ugh.

Currently the sweetest phrase in the English language:

2009-01-21T08:58:00.001-06:00

Former President George W. Bush.

Home is..flattened by bulldozers

2009-01-12T20:20:00.004-06:00

This is a picture of the house I grew up in. My parents bought it when I was a year old and they just sold it last summer. Next door to the house is a cemetery, and it was actually the cemetery association who bought it (heh, "cemetery" and "bought it" in the same sentence). Obviously, they're not in need of the house, so they tore it down last fall. Kevin and I drove out to take a look at it when we were in the Cities last month. This is what it looks like now:

It broke my heart a little--I loved that house so much. But I can't tell whether it would be better if they had sold it to a family, to have some strangers living in it, possibly doing awful things like installing track lighting and putting up Grandma-Bending-Over lawn art. Either way, it's a very strange feeling to know that I really, really really can't go home again.

Way too auld lang syne

2008-12-31T11:06:00.003-06:00

Count me in as one who didn't find 2008 to be all that horrendous. I moved to a great small town in a gorgeous part of the country, I started school and love it and finally see a definite light at the end of the horrible Poverty Tunnel, I logged another year of a happy marriage, and met some cool new people. Sure, the economy went to shit, but we never had any money anyway. And sure, we're living with my parents, but only til next fall and they're actually pretty good roommates. Really, I don't have much to complain about. That being said, I'm always excited for the start of a new year. I know it's really just an arbitrary line, but it always seems like such potential--fresh start and all of that crap.

Our trip to Minneapolis last week was fine. We went to a show at the Triple Rock, which was okay, I guess, except I'm realizing that when I'm sitting at a punk show at 11:30, freezing and tired and fantasizing about my fleece pants, I'm probably too damn old to be there. I think someone needs to start putting on punk shows that start at 7 pm for all of the aging people who don't enjoy themselves when they're out past their bedtimes. God, how sad is that?

People Who Get Paid to Say Stupid Shit

2008-12-28T13:40:00.002-06:00

So I was reading the paper today, minding my own business, when I came across this little editorial by Kathleen Parker. In case you don't want to bother with the link, she was essentially discussing the people who have their collective panties in a bunch over the prospect of Caroline Kennedy being named to the Senate because they think it's unfair that she might get that job while Sarah Palin, who does have actual government experience, was considered unqualified to be Vice President. As Parker (more diplomatically) points out, it's a stupid argument, and I highly doubt that anyone who supports Kennedy for the senate seat would claim that she had the background to be one metastasizing melanoma away from being President of the United States. Senator does not equal Vice President on the scale of importance, symbolic though it may be.

In any case, I don't really care all that much whether Caroline Kennedy gets Clinton's Senate seat, and I was reading along with only mild interest until I got to this:
Suffice to say, she (Palin) worked hard to get from Wasilla High to the governor's mansion.
Not so Kennedy, who, upon her marriage to Edwin Schlossberg, never changed her name. The girl-child of Camelot, Kennedy was to the political manner born and heiress to a famous brand.

Oh. I didn't realize that married women who don't change their names automatically have ulterior motives! Silly me! And here I thought I chose not to change my name because it was the name I grew up with, the name I had for close to thirty years, and I felt really uncomfortable with the idea of a new name. If Kathleen Parker hadn't informed me otherwise, I would have made the same assumptions about any woman who kept her "maiden name" (and gag to that phrase, by the way), Caroline Kennedy included. I wish I'd known it was such a subversive act at the time; I would have made a really big fucking deal about my radical street cred.

Going into town

2008-12-19T09:09:00.004-06:00

We're going to Minneapolis today, and I'm excited. I may suffer some culture shock due to the reduced ratio of pickup trucks and encountering more than four stoplights, but it will be fun to be back in the city. See some friends and family, sit in traffic, get a little punk rock in.

I'm asking Santa for two things: 1., to make it without encountering any truly horrible weather, and 2., for the knot in my shoulder to go away so I can regain range of motion in my neck and not have to do an impression of Joan Cusack in 16 Candles every time I'm trying to look at someone. Having my head bent over books for the last two weeks paid off (straight As!), but I feel like a robot. And not a fembot, either. More like one of those robots with the square head and the wild slinky arms.

Holiday "Cooking" with Sandra Lee

2008-12-15T17:31:00.003-06:00

I'm not much of a Food Network follower. When I watch TV, it's usually something like The Daily Show or Colbert Report, or else Man vs. Wild, because Bear Grylls has been showing an increasing tendency to strip down and that's just damn good TV. But I've been hearing about this Sandra Lee character and the hideous concoctions she tries to foist on the American public, and I just had to check out her website.

I give you Holiday Wreath Cupcakes, which feature store-bought chocolate cupcakes or muffins, cherry pie filling, peppermint frosting, and green fruit roll-up. They probably taste absolutely delicious after 6 or 7 Sugar Plum Fairies, presuming one hasn't choked on the gumdrop garnishes. "Nauseating" doesn't even begin to describe these abominations.

Sandra Lee recipes. When you want to tell your guests to get the hell out without saying a word.

It's a nice cut, but do you have something that says "I'm going to kill my date tonight?"

2008-12-12T09:22:00.007-06:00

What the fuck, huh? I mean, what the fucking fuck? What kind of smug little wiener thought this would be a fine image to sell an ugly-ass suit?

I'm not really sure what is up with people who find depictions of murdered, tortured, brutalized women sexy. What, exactly, are the douchebags over at duncan quinn trying to say here? That you too can put on a plaid suit and strangle a woman with your tie? Hey, you've got a date and you don't even have to buy her dinner or listen to her yapping! And you'll get to wear an expensive suit, which you will remember fondly later on, when your choices are limited to denim jumpsuits.

This shit pisses me off. What pisses me off even more is that when someone speaks up and says "That is a seriously fucked-up ad," we all have to listen to jackass ad executives and commentators defend it and call those of us who find it offensive a bunch of humorless feminists. Because if we just had a sense of humor, we'd see it was hip and edgy to sell clothing using images of murder.

Jeez, lighten up, ladies! They don't really want to kill you, they just think it's sexy when you look like you've died a violent death. What's your problem, anyway?

I'm thankful this is my blog and I can be late if I want to.

2008-12-04T09:37:00.003-06:00

I actually worked on Thanksgiving Day, so I didn't spend much time thinking on gratitude, because my job kind of depresses me and it was just like another day. But here is what I'm thankful for.
I'm thankful for the people in nursing school with me, because they are funny and supportive and warm and it makes a full day of classes enjoyable.
I'm thankful for the return of the Jell-O Pudding Pop.
I'm thankful Em and Ike came up to visit, because I hadn't seen them for four months and it was great.
I'm thankful Ike is fun and happy now instead of a screamy bundle of torture.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to live in a small town in such a beautiful area.
I'm thankful for the awesome bakery in this small town and the fact that I can get the best bagels I've ever eaten in far northern Wisconsin.
I'm thankful for my family, who are awesome and help us out as much as they can without making us feel bad about it.
I'm thankful for our new president.
I'm thankful for my friends. I'm not one to collect large numbers of friends, and the ones I do have are really important to me.
I'm thankful to be almost a quarter of the way through nursing school, and I'm thankful that once Kevin and I graduate, we'll never be desperately poor again.
I'm thankful for Kevin, because he is cute and charming and makes me laugh every day and has a strange fascination with the show "Bridezillas" and I can't imagine my life right now without him.

Your stupid! No, you're stupid.

2008-11-14T09:25:00.002-06:00

On a website I visit frequently, there are always little links or banner ads that say things like "3 people have a crush on you. Find out who!" Or "Paris Hilton/Barack Obama/Hillary Clinton has an IQ of 120. Bet you can't beat it!" Who knew Paris was just as smart as Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton? Not me. Clearly, I can't beat that IQ.

The ad that's been up the most lately says "2 of your friends think your dumber than George Bush." Your. Your. Your. Seriously, if you're going to try and provoke someone into clicking on your spam by calling them stupid, proper spelling and grammar might help your case. Lazy, uneducated spammers are just the worst.

I Can't Believe It

2008-11-05T08:26:00.002-06:00

I cried last night when they called it for Obama, and when they showed all the ecstatic people, and when he was giving his speech. I didn't think I would; I really wanted him to win, but I'm not one of the people who thinks he's The Chosen One. But I started thinking about the last eight years, and how the Constitution has been turned into toilet paper by those in charge, and how the rest of the world thinks we're a bunch of ignorant bullies thanks to Bush and his Dr. Strangelovian Go Fuck Yourself foreign policy, and how depressing it was in 2004 to see that that seemed to be what a lot of Americans wanted, and I cried because I finally, finally saw that coming to an end.

Oh God.

2008-11-04T18:26:00.003-06:00

I'm so nervous.

Boo, you sumbitch.

2008-11-01T16:31:00.003-05:00

So a lot of people think redneck when they think northern Wisconsin. It's an unfair and unfortunate word association, and I know an awful lot of very awesome people here in town that do not have even the slightest redneck tendencies. However, you can always find someone in any demographic who is just chomping at the bit to confirm any negative stereotypes, and I have to say that while Ashland wouldn't qualify for the title of Home of the Good Ol' Boy, we're not exactly short on the Yeehaw People. Example: Kevin goes to school with someone who served in Iraq, who uses the very offensive term "hajji" at least twice a day, among other racist slurs, who thought it would be the height of comedy gold to dress up as a suicide bomber for Halloween. Even better, he won a prize, voted by other students, for that costume. Ha. Ha. Ha.

I'm a little cranky this morning.

2008-10-26T11:09:00.003-05:00

Things that irk me:
1. People who lecture others on subjects they have only the thinnest understanding of. Please, know your subject matter before you start expounding. Or at least admit that you only know a little bit about it and be willing to recognize you may be wrong. And no, I'm not just talking about Sarah Palin this time, although she could use someone with her at all times to whisper "Psst, shut the fuck up, you sound like a moron," when, say, she starts telling third graders that the vice president is in charge of the Senate and gets to make policy. For example.

2. Similar vein, different approach, people who act all snippy and annoyed when working with or training in someone who has no prior experience in whatever it is they're doing, because the trainee does not have an inherent expertise. Thursday night, my second night at work, I had a woman, we'll call her Broomhilda, training me. She seemed to think that "training" consists of rolling her eyes when told I had never done this kind of work before, telling me she did not have time to explain why she did certain things (then, later, saying "Ask if you have a question, I'm not going to bite your head off." I composed a lengthy and expletive-laden response to this obvious lie, but bit my tongue), talking to me like I was a drooling idiot, and essentially treating me like shit for eight hours. It was a lot of fun and excellent for my self-confidence. When, against every instinct and desire in my body, I dragged myself back to work last night, I was told that this is how Broomhilda treats almost everyone, which made me feel slightly better.

3. Tom Brokaw. I just can't stand his voice or his tiny, tiny eyes.

4. Undecided voters. If you can't make a decision between Obama and McCain, two people who are VERY VERY different, 9 days before the election, I kind of have to wonder who holds your gum for you while you walk.

2008-10-19T11:42:00.002-05:00

I started a new part-time job at a nursing home last night. It's a really great facility and the staff is excellent and everyone there is very well cared for. But I still hope I, and everyone I love, is healthy and fit and independent until they just drop dead at ninety or so. Being confronted with your own mortality isn't hard at all in comparison to being confronted with the possibility of your total dependence and loss of everything you are. It's one of my biggest fears.

Rescue 911

2008-10-10T08:59:00.004-05:00

One of my favorite things about living here is the police report printed nearly every day in the local paper. It is awesome. A sampling from the past week:

Thursday, 11:23 am Report of horses loose on golf course, causing damage 12:43 pm Report of a patron who entered a restaurant, had two cocktails and then "went crazy." 4:00 pm Seven 911 calls received from a coin phone - kids at a hunter's safety course were making crank calls.
Friday, 9:42 am Report of horses at golf course again 3:31 pm Caller states someone threw spoiled meat into the fenced-in yard 6:08 pm Cell phone call received regarding three large pigs and a goat heading down the road toward Washburn 7:58 pm Report of females fighting at carnival
Saturday 10:40 pm Vehicle collision with bear
Sunday 5:50 pm Caller states neighbor has again thrown rotten meat on his fence.

So to sum up, around here, some people can't control their livestock (unless they're sending it in to town on errands, which I suppose is always a possibility), dispose of their rotten meat by chucking it onto the neighbors property, can't hold their liquor without going crazy or fighting next to the Tilt-A-Whirl, and the kids spend the time they should be learning about the safe handling of firearms making crank 911 calls.

The police reports are a highlight of my day.

A Few Things for Your Monday

2008-10-06T19:18:00.006-05:00

1. My current profile picture is of a truck that was parked at the County Market the other day. It takes all kinds.

2. We went hiking on Saturday and did not see a bear. We saw bear poop, though, which is better because it can't maul you to death. We also heard something big moving in the woods but did not stick around to see what it was.

3. Things are getting all Depression-y and scary. If we had any money, we'd be keeping it under the floorboards. But apparently, what we really need to be worried about is a former sixties-radical-turned-law-professor and the fact that Barack Obama met him/spoke to him once or twice a decade or so ago. Cause that's the real threat to the American way of life, doncha know.

4. Relative to #3, I registered to vote today. If you haven't already done so, you should do it now. And remember, you're not voting for the PTA president or a new member of your book club, you're voting for the President of the United States, and it's okay, in fact it's more than okay, if the President of the United States is highly educated and intellectual and maybe even a bit of an elitist, as long as they still understand what the middle class and those living in poverty need. You don't have to sit next to the President at a dinner party, this isn't a vote for Homecoming Queen. It's not okay if the President of the United States is a smug, smirking ignoramus whose best argument for election is that "She's just like you!" And yeah, yeah, yeah, she's only the VP candidate. I hate to get all morbid, and I certainly don't wish anyone ill, but google the statistics on melanoma. If they're elected, the odds are very good that Palin will wind up as President, the thought of which is enough to keep a body up nights. Thought Bush was bad? Meet Bush Light.

International Relations 101,

2008-10-02T23:29:00.003-05:00

Or, I have to put my very expensive education to some use, even if it's only in a blog read by approximately no one.

Ahem. Diplomacy is a political tool, used for centuries, involving talking to people with whom you disagree. If you agree with them, you don't need to have diplomatic negotiations. You can just have a state dinner and call it a day. This whole idea that it's the height of absurdity to suggest sitting down for talks with Iran or North Korea or Syria because they're just so hard to get along with is the most ignorant thing I have heard in a long time. I'm not quite sure how it came to be accepted as God's truth by so many people.

Apple Polisher

2008-10-01T17:33:00.004-05:00

When we started this semester, there was a huge amount of information, foreign to just about all of us new students, being thrown at us. Everyone in my class had a pretty much continuous slightly glazed, panicked expression. The instructor assured us it would all start to drop into place, and damn if she wasn't right. Now, six weeks in, it's starting to fit together and it's a really good feeling. I've always enjoyed school and this is no exception. Plus I've discovered that I really really like pharmacology--I had no idea it was so interesting. Wow, I'm getting even dorkier as I get older.

This weekend is Apple Fest in Bayfield, but I don't think I can take the crowds. 75,000 people packed into a town with a population of under 1000 is ridiculous. I'm not going unless they allow cattle prods.

The ads do say he doesn't have much else to do...

2008-09-21T21:28:00.002-05:00

Our dryer stopped working last week. It was brand new, never-been-used before we moved in, so we called Maytag, they of the commercials featuring the repairman who is so bored because Maytag makes such a top-notch dryer, thus removing the need for his services. As it turned out, in our case they were right, because it was our wiring, which may or may not have been done by a meth-addled capuchin monkey.

In any case, because we first thought it was the dryer, we called in a repairman, who, at some point in his examination Friday morning, inadvertently dropped a roach on our kitchen floor. Kevin found it Friday night and we all had a good laugh imagining his panic when he went to light up his tiny amount of remaining weed and realized he had probably dropped it in a customer's house.

So PSA for the weekend: if you're going to be that careful about hoarding the miniscule amount of pot left in a joint too small to hold with anything other than the finest of needle-nose pliers, you ought to be just as careful about making sure it stays in your pocket.

"Bush Doctrine"? Like anyone knows what that is.

2008-09-14T20:45:00.004-05:00

Due to the spiking effect she has on my already-elevated blood pressure, Kevin would like me to avoid all things related to Sarah Palin. However, I would like it to be known that for the near future, I plan to answer all questions with a snotty and slightly panicked "In what respect, Charlie?"

Pleasantly confused

2008-09-12T10:09:00.006-05:00

My first day of clinicals went okay. There's a lot of paperwork we have to do, and I don't know that I'll ever be fast enough at doing the various cares, though that's not a huge problem as I don't plan to be working in a field that would require me to give bed baths; giving a laboring woman a bed bath is generally a waste of time, not to mention probably a good way to get punched.

It wasn't complicated, but it was hard work. Speaking of which, a word about natural deodorants: they are insufficient when one is doing anything that breaks the slightest sweat. I apologize to everyone who was subjected to my rankness yesterday. After a lifetime of using Degree and its ilk, I had no idea I could produce that kind of smell.

As per usual, I'm worried about money. I'm applying for part-time jobs this afternoon, but Kevin will have to wait until we're done building the new garage and deck before he starts looking. The lack of student loans for either of us has been a problem. I think this classy lady is on to something. I don't know why neither Kevin nor I thought of exchanging sex for tuition money! I mean, no, we're not virgins, which obviously drives the price down, but then again it's only tech school.

I See a Stroke in Someone's Future!

2008-09-09T12:30:00.002-05:00

We checked each others' blood pressures in our nursing skills class yesterday. Mine is 30 points higher than normal. I think I might be a little bit stressed.

Devil in a bouffant

2008-09-07T12:43:00.004-05:00

So it would seem that I, along with many many other people, underestimated Sarah Palin. Don't get me wrong, I still think she's grossly unqualified, knows nothing about foreign policy, and has no business being second in line for leader of the United States, behind a 72-year-old man who has had malignant tumors removed from his face three times in the last dozen or so years, the last of which was an invasive melanoma that was removed from his temple.

But I failed to anticipate the popular appeal of a former beauty queen who displays a high level of smug ignorance, a deep mean streak, and an abiding love for shooting and/or consuming moose and moose products. My bad. I also did not anticipate the level of idiocy that would be on display as her supporters grasped at fragile straws to argue for her readiness. Alaska's proximity to Russia gives her international affairs credentials? I guess living four blocks from Lake Superior makes me a freshwater biologist and expert on the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

So yes, Democrats should be concerned about Sarah Palin, despite her many flaws and her ethics problems and her flat-out lies about her own policies as small-town mayor and governor of the state with the smallest population in the union. But there is a bright side! The last week of seeing this awful, awful woman all over the news has galvanized the Democrats and driven a large number of moderates away from McCain, and her snarkiness and attacking have opened the door for Biden to let her have it in the VP debate, which will be wildly entertaining. By the time the election rolls around, we'll all be sick of it, but for now, I'm in a state of gleeful anticipation.

Photo taken from Wonkette

Ugh

2008-09-06T12:13:00.004-05:00

I don't know why I forget what a crappy time this 2-3 week period is for me every year. All of a sudden I'm anxious and down and kind of bitchy, if I'm being honest, and it always takes me a while to remember why. It's odd how the little seasonal cues trigger that stuff when you're not even conscious of it.

Lesson 1: "Stethoscope" does not have an "a" in it

2008-09-05T10:17:00.003-05:00

Wow, nursing school is hard. It may just be an associate degree, but I'm already putting in waaaay more work than I was while in school for a PhD, even before I abandoned it. I do like it, which is a good thing because I wouldn't have a lot of options if I hated it. Clinicals start next week and I'm nervous. I don't have to walk in there Thursday morning and start an IV or anything, but it's still nervewracking.

Kevin started school too, for the only marine repair program in the state, and it's kind of nice for both of us to be in school at the same time. We have similar schedules and can encourage each other instead of getting resentful that someone always has to be studying when the other person wants to go out or something. Not that we can afford to go out.

Living with my parents has been an adjustment and it's not always easy, but we wouldn't be able to do any of this otherwise. They've helped us out enormously, and although I would really really rather not have to be relying on my parents at the age of 32, it is what it is. We're extremely lucky to have their help.

And, yeah, I love Ashland. It's great living up here. There are some really nice beaches and we've been swimming several times since we got here, though I think the beach weather might be over for the year. Lake Superior isn't what you'd call warm even in the height of summer. We've also been blueberry picking and went to the Bayfield County fair, so I feel fairly confident that we're getting the full northern Wisconsin small-town experience.

Gimme

2008-08-29T10:59:00.003-05:00

Sarah Palin?

Really?

MWAHAHAHAHAHA.

Because all those disgruntled Hillary supporters, generally pro-choice and liberal, really want is boobies in the White House. Even if the boobies belong to someone who's super-conservative, has zero foreign policy background, cancels out the argument re: Obama's lack of experience with her whole 2 years in state office AND is being investigated for ethics violations.

Oh, I can't wait to see the Biden-Palin debate. Get the popcorn ready.

A Stellar Sales Pitch

2008-08-11T07:00:00.003-05:00

The title of an email in my spam folder this morning:

"Dumb and poor? Here's a simple way to make money"

Nope, just poor, thanks. I wonder how many people see that pitch and think "Hey, that's me! Finally, the answer to my prayers!"

4 Blocks Down the Street

2008-08-08T20:14:00.002-05:00

The sunsets up here are nice.

Arriving

2008-08-01T14:47:00.004-05:00

Moving blows. My expectations of gross incompetence from the U-Haul corporation were more than realized, my knee feels like it's facing backward, everything took much longer and was more grueling than expected.

However.

We now live in an extremely cool great big old house with sunlight and air movement and everything, the weather is gorgeous, the lake is stunning and it's a five-minute walk down to the shore, and we've already gotten to watch two amazing sunsets over Lake Superior. All in all, we're coming out ahead so far.

Leaving

2008-07-19T05:36:00.001-05:00

Eight days until we move. I guess the insomnia portion of the stress must be setting in, as I've been awake for an hour and yawning like crazy, but as soon as I lay (lie? that particular word's never been one of my strong points) down I'm wide awake.

All things considered, we're actually in pretty good shape for the move. We're probably about 80-85% packed, the house in Ashland is ready for us, and we've got the next week pretty well planned out. But because I am a congenital worrier, I'm not relaxing. For one thing, I'm afraid there won't be a truck for us when we go to pick it up. We're renting a U-Haul, because we don't really have any other decent options, and they tend to do their U-Haul thing, which is to not have the truck you reserved and then just kind of shrug and pretty much tell you to go pound sand when you ask why the hell they bother with reservations and do they think people just rent these things on a whim, like "Oh, let's rent a U-Haul and circle Madison 6 times on Sunday; it's supposed to be a beautiful day," and what the fuck do they expect you to do now? I'm hoping that doesn't happen.

Also, I'm thinking about how different it will be to live up there. We're going from a city with a population of about 220,000 to a town of 8000, in close proximity to bears and wolves and fishing boats and a lot of forest. Kevin doesn't like it here in Madison, but I kind of do. Not enough to talk him into staying, or even necessarily to want to stay here permanently myself, but it's a nice place to live.

I'll miss the farmer's market, which is the best of any I've ever seen. I'll miss Glass Nickel pizza and Lazy Jane's scones, and the Tex Tubb's taco palace, and sushi, just in general. I'll miss Mickey's Tavern, the Crystal Corner, the Paradise. I'll really miss Em and Corey and Ike.

I will not miss the co-op, where everything tastes like self-righteousness. I won't miss traffic or spending 20 minutes in the car to get halfway across town--20 minutes in the car in Ashland will put you 2 towns over. I won't miss the crowds at the farmer's market, which make it like a weekly excursion to a Ukrainian bread line. I won't miss the undergrads, or the freaking Badger games in the fall. I really won't miss the heat and humidity.

I have high hopes for Ashland. I wonder if moving somewhere with the idea of permanence makes a difference in how well it turns out. I guess we'll find out.

Ow.

2008-07-13T12:36:00.000-05:00

You know what I hate? I hate it when you're in some crappy, dimly lit bar and as you're walking to the door to go home, you trip over the completely unmarked, dark-carpeted four-inch step that visually stands out from the rest of the floor in no way, and you completely bite it, going down hard and sending your purse flying, and the nice gay man who helps you up has that "Oh, you poor drunk" look in his eyes, and you know that everyone is thinking "Hey, have another!", and you want to put on a big flashing sign that says "I'm not even close to drunk, this is a poorly constructed floor!"

But there are no such signs, and it doesn't matter now anyway because the end result is the same--an Ace bandage and ice on my swollen, jacked-up knee. If the pain is equivalent to the level of damage done, moving in two weeks will be lots of fun.

Oh, Rush, you appalling specimen, you.

2008-07-02T19:01:00.000-05:00

Rush Limbaugh, who just signed a 400 million dollar eight-year contract, refers to himself as "talent on loan from God."

Really.

If God exists, I desperately wish he would do something about all of his douchebag hangers-on. I highly doubt that any deity worth his or her salt would want an angry fat man in his third marriage, with a penchant for hollering about declining morals while popping illegal OxyContin, serving as his or her PR guy.

Dear honored sir (or lady)

2008-06-26T14:35:00.001-05:00

In the last month or so, my email account has suddenly been flooded with spam. It's kind of funny to see what exactly is being targeted to me and speculate on where they got the notion that I'm interested in the things they're selling. To date, I apparently:

-shop extensively at Wal-Mart
-have won several lotteries in various African nations
-am the last hope of Nigerian royalty looking to safely transfer their ancestral treasure out of the country
-am single and solely interested in an interracial relationship, with either Asian men, black singles, black men, and black women; I am evidently feeling experimental these days.
-have already finished nursing school and am looking for jobs in Oklahoma
-might be stupid enough to click on a link sent to me by persons unknown to divulge my personal information in order to "FIND OUT NEWEST CREDIT SCORE!"

It's quite a combo platter, and if all of these pitches were applicable, I would actually make a very fascinating dinner party guest.

Adopting A Better Attitude

2008-06-24T15:53:00.000-05:00

So, if you go to the blogs on my MySpace page, you'll see a few that mention that we can't have kids. We don't have a final, word-of-god statement on this yet, but as far as we know, right now that's the situation. For the most part, both Kevin and I are pretty okay with this, at least insofar as we're not upset that we can't have "our own" baby. Adoption is not a lesser choice for us, and we just want to be parents. There are definitely downfalls, like that it's a pain in the ass, and it's really expensive, and we wanted to have a baby by now and it will be several more years, but you know, we'll deal.

So I really haven't been one of those infertile women who hate all pregnant ladies. But...it's still kind of hard sometimes. I watched The Business of Being Born the other night, and, propaganda aside, it made me kind of sad that I won't have that birth experience. Another friend just told me she's pregnant, and I'm absolutely thrilled for her, she's a wonderful person and will be an amazing mom. But I can't say I didn't feel a little twinge of envy.

And I don't think that's such a bad thing. I know some people dealing with infertility who are so angry and bitter that they become the self-designated arbiters of who "deserves" a baby. Someone who's had a miscarriage deserves a baby more than someone who got pregnant easily with no problems. That kind of shit. Honestly, it's incredibly sad to see. Infertility sucks, and it isn't fair that some people get to be parents a lot easier than others. But if it takes someone until their twenties or thirties to see that life can be horribly unfair, I would be willing to bet all of my Tom Waits albums that they have an awful lot of other things to be thankful for. I'm sad that we won't have a kid for several more years. But not sad enough to lose sight of everything else. Not sad enough to forget that I have an incredible husband. Not sad enough that I can't be happy for my friends who are getting pregnant and having kids. Not sad enough that I believe that I deserve a baby more than anyone else who wants one.

Vewy Scawy

2008-06-23T16:11:00.000-05:00

The other night, Kevin and I were sitting out on our balcony when we heard the sound of wind in the trees by the railroad tracks, about 500 yards from us. It came toward us like the demonic force in the woods in “Evil Dead”, getting louder and louder, until it was roaring, sounding like hail hitting the ground. Then it got silent, Kevin and I looked at each other, and next thing we knew, the tree in front of us was bent almost to the ground and we were getting blasted with an enormous gust of wind. There was no storm, no severe weather alert, although we were both half-expecting to see a funnel cloud off to the side. It was extremely disconcerting.

We probably won’t be spending much time out there after this coming weekend, not because of the Straight-Line Winds Of The Undead, but because of what our last few weeks in Madison will entail. Kevin switches his work schedule to the opposite end of the week and my job ends after this week and (surprise surprise) the temp agency is very un-encouraging about my prospects of short-term work for the next four weeks. This unfortunately means that my stellar husband will have to pick up extra shifts to cover the loss of my paycheck, which means that he’ll be at work or sleeping for most of July, which means I will be handling all things moving-related. Sucky all around, but it’s temporary and before we know it, we’ll be in our new house, running out to the sidewalk to catch a glimpse of Lake Superior any time we want. Good stuff.

Just sit there and look pretty

2008-06-23T16:05:00.000-05:00

So I just read this piece in one of my favorite lefty news websites about “nerdy” women becoming sex symbols in these new, enlightened times. Fucking great, except, well, it isn’t.

While the author of this piece does a pretty good job of picking out the problems with this trend, she doesn’t mention that pop culture media seems to conflate “nerdy” with “smart/clever/witty”. They’re not the same thing. A nerd is, by definition, someone “who passionately pursues intellectual activities, esoteric knowledge, or other obscure interests that are age inappropriate rather than engaging in more social or popular activities” (thanks, wikipedia!). This means that someone like their prime example, Tina Fey, who is smart as hell AND hot, is not really a nerd. In fact, none of the women they mentioned can really be called a nerd. They’re incredibly awesome and their intellect is a boost to their hotness, which is a great thing. But calling them “nerds” kind of defeats the whole “yay, smart ladies” thing—why does a woman who knows her shit automatically become a nerd? Why can’t she just be smart?

Don’t get me wrong, this is a step in the right direction. However, as the author points out, the “sex symbol” aspect comes with some very tired definitions of what sexiness requires. One example given of the New Sexy Nerd is Danica McKellar, mathematics genius and portrayer of Kevin Arnold’s object of affection, posing in a bikini for “Stuff” magazine. Millions of men in their late twenties and early thirties would agree, Winnie Cooper was sexy before she posed in a bikini, and a lot of them find the fact that she’s crazy-smart to be even better. Pin-ups are great and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with cheesecake, it just doesn’t need to be held up as evidence of hotness, like, “See, smart girls have nice tits too!”

So, basically it seems like it’s not that we’re recognizing the inherent sexiness in a smart, funny woman who can carry on a conversation, it’s that they’ve started wearing lipstick! So now they’re sexy! Isn’t that great?

Um, not really, no. I mean, I like makeup and everything, and I guess I’m all for anything that starts to shift the Sexy Ideal away from the Jessica Simpson/Tara Reid/Jessica Alba template, where it doesn’t really matter what, if anything, they have to say as long as they look good in a tube top. But you know, regardless of what she’s wearing, Tina Fey is sexy because of, not in spite of, her intelligence, and I think that’s what the media, in rushing to declare the newest definition of what makes a Hot Lady, seems to be missing.

The pre-crack Whitney was right, children ARE the future

2008-06-20T13:58:00.000-05:00

I used to think that my outspokenly liberal nature was, while always a part of me, something that really took off in my late teens and early twenties. But the other day I remembered something from my childhood.

When I was 8, Ronald Reagan was in office, and I did not like him. Granted, when you're that age, if you have any thoughts on politics, they come from your parents. Still, I watched the news. I knew nuclear war was scary and bad. And even at that tender age, I could see that Reagan was kind of a joke, an affable old fart with a penchant for illegal weapons sales and rambling speeches about Evil Empires. Side note: who decided he was one of our greatest presidents? Cause I don't think the historical record bears that out.

Anyway, I started hearing about this "Star Wars" program, and at first I didn't understand why people were getting so upset about Star Wars. I liked it, especially Han Solo. When it was explained to me that, no, it was actually a nickname for a nuclear weapons program called SDI, or Strategic Defense Initiative, and it would make the Soviet Union angry and cost lots and lots of money, I thought that was a bad idea. Actually, as soon as I heard "nuclear weapon" I thought about how a nuclear war would destroy the world, which I had read somewhere ("somewhere" being closer to Tales of a Fourth-Grade Nothing than The Economist), and I worked myself up into quite a state of righteous indignation, if memory serves. I got so angry I decided i was going to write the president A LETTER.

So I sat at our dining room table and wrote something along the lines of "Please don't start a nuclear war with Star Wars. Nuclear weapons are bad and we should be friends with the Soviet Union." I think it was a little more fleshed out than that, but you get the drift. I also drew mushroom clouds with sienna crayons to illustrate my point to dramatic effect. My mom mailed it for me and I waited for my response. I was certain I would receive a tear-stained letter from Ronnie, telling me that I had made him see the error of his war-mongering ways, and he was convening a diplomatic envoy to Moscow; would I please serve as Junior Ambassador?

Weeks went by and I started to get a little annoyed that he hadn't responded yet; after all, how many articulate (and illustrated!) pleas for peace could the president be receiving from precocious children? I couldn't imagine very many children wrote to the president.

Finally, I came home from school to find an envelope from the White House waiting for me. I tore it open, read it eagerly, then cried "What the hell is this shit?" (That's not a verbatim quote. My truck driver vocabulary has been developed over many many years and was still in the incubation stage when I was 8). In response to my impassioned letter, I had received a picture of Ron and Nancy, a "Just Say No" sticker, and an incredibly lame brochure, printed on cardstock, about the Youth of America being The Future.

I was not pleased. I promptly threw it all in the trash and declared that I would wash my hands of this bozo president of ours. If he wasn't going to listen to an 8-year-old girl from Minnesota, who on earth could get through to him? My cynicism began to develop that day, and the following year in school, when we talked about satire and put together a silly little magazine, I drew a scathing cartoon that depicted Reagan freaking out about running out of jellybeans while weapons (including arrows, which I could never really explain, but they were easy to draw) flew past his head in the Oval Office. It was the sort of thing that almost certainly could have brought the government to its knees had it received distribution beyond the parents of the ten kids who worked on it. I'm a grudge-holder, what can I say?

2008-06-17T19:28:00.001-05:00

After a 16-month flirtation with MySpace (I don't know why), I'm coming back to my abandoned blogger account. I promise never to leave again.

I need to stop reading the comments on CNN's "Political Ticker" section. The illiterate rants that make up the bulk of the comments paint a vivid mental image, and that image is "Red-Faced Idiot". In a recent post about Obama, one person actually said that Obama was a crazy liberal who wanted to destroy the economy in the name of the environment, specifically, to save polar bears, and don't you know that polar bears are dangerous and if you came face-to-face with a polar bear, it would kill you? You can't even have a reasonable discussion with someone who says something so insanely stupid. Just reading that made me a little dumber.

This is one of the downfalls of the Internet, that it gives an anonymous platform for those who have absolutely no qualms about letting the whole wide world know what moronic, racist, misogynistic, or all-around hateful assholish thoughts are rolling around in their big empty heads.

Of Speculums, Morning-After Pills, and Lobbying the Legislature

2007-03-07T09:30:00.000-06:00

Last night I was watching the news and they ran a piece about the state Majority Leader's proposal to require hospitals to offer emergency contraception to rape victims. It's appalling to me that this even has to come to legal requirements--it's just the right thing to do. Women who don't want it for their own personal reasons don't have to take it, but anyone who has just experienced such horrific violation shouldn't have further control over their bodies taken away. As for the people who call it abortion, I would suggest some remedial biology courses, focusing on female anatomy and the reproductive system.

Anyway, I didn't come here to discuss the pathetic state of affairs in which women have to fight tooth and nail to have some ownership of their bodies and reproduction. In the news coverage of this last night, they had a brief interview with a nurse from Planned Parenthood, herself a rape victim who testified about the intense further trauma she suffered waiting to find out if she had become pregnant as a result of her attack. It was the same nurse who did my annual exam last year, which was probably the worst exam I've ever had. She was snotty, she jammed the speculum in (which makes an already delightful experience a veritable picnic at the beach), and she demonstrated a total lack of interest in addressing any questions I had. I got a prescription for birth control pills, and she told me she'd also give me a dose of emergency contraception so I'd have it as back-up, but neglected to mention I'd be charged an extra $50 for this back-up I didn't really need or want. Annual exams are not the easiest thing to go through when you have a nice doctor or nurse, but when they're assholes, it can be quite upsetting. I did not care for her.

Now, it's kind of strange to me that someone who has been through something so awful could do such a crappy job in such a vulnerable setting, and it makes me sort of wonder why she's in this field of work. Maybe she would have been nicer if I had been raped, and maybe that's why she does this, to provide care for victims and the rest of us are just sort of a nuisance. It's hard to say. Regardless, I'm thankful that I'll have health insurance in another three weeks and won't have to put up with care providers who seem to hate their jobs.

Snowfall, or spring..

2007-03-03T19:51:00.000-06:00

It's been a lame winter. First not enough snow, then too much, and idiot neighbors who seem unaware of the fact that when a foot of heavy, wet snow has fallen, it is perhaps unwise to skip shoveling before you try and back out. And who also continue to make a ridiculous amount of noise with the piano-playing and constant singing and lack of understanding of the concept of "indoor voice", and maintain an unfortunate partiality to Billy Joel, and generally annoy the ever-loving shit out of us with their very presence. Five more months of this garbage, and I swear, if our little science experiment works, the hormones may break all sense of restraint and send me rushing downstairs with a board with a nail driven through it. See how cleverly I disguised that update?

Despite my low expectations, the flower shop job was not up to par. Perhaps I should have expected that my boss would be batshit. It's not really worth getting into all of it, other than to say that I was the 17th employee who has been hired and left within the past 18 months. I have a fairly promising interview on Monday, so we'll see what happens. I'm hoping to pull in a couple of doula clients on a part-time basis, too. We're also planning on a move to Ashland in August of '08, and I'll be going to school for nursing up there, and I'm so goddamn excited. I never, ever saw myself as a small-town girl, and I don't think Kevin ever thought he'd wind up in the rural northwoods, either, but we're both really looking forward to it.

I'm making orange rolls right now, for brunch with Em tomorrow, and they're not rising properly. Nothing I bake ever rises properly. I'm suspecting that the whole "rise" thing is a whole lot of Yeast Industry propaganda.

A Brief Open Letter

2007-01-31T19:30:00.000-06:00

To the City of Boston,

I'm sure that the belief that there were bombs scattered throughout the city was terrifying. I'd be scared if I heard that too. However, I just have to say that I think it is unbelievably, hysterically AWESOME that Boston's commerce, traffic, and general day-to-day goings on were brought to a halt by the Mooninites.

What I Did Over My January (And Late December)

2007-01-30T20:31:00.000-06:00

Not a hell of a lot.

The job at the diner sucked big time (I know, piss-your-pants shocking, isn't it?). I quit after five or six weeks. Memo to old men: It's not 1954. Fifty cents is no longer an appropriate tip. And your jokes don't get any funnier when you tell them day after day.

I got a new job at a flower shop. It's okay. My expectations are not that high, so I think they might be met.

My doula training workshop was amazing. I'm so freaking excited about this. I'm talking to some other doulas in the area and will start taking clients as soon as I can, possibly even in the next couple of weeks.

My lovah is drawing a lot. He's talented. I'm hoping he'll eventually become the breadwinner and I can have the sugardaddy I've always dreamt of having.

Our neighbors continue to display their penchant for stomping, banging away on their piano (seriously, who thinks it's okay to move into a jury-rigged duplex with a goddamn piano? That they play every singleday?) and singing show tune duets and easy listening classics, and having what sounds to be extremely unsatisfying sex. We have six months left of this.

Oh, and I also made a pillow out of a huge souvenir scarf from Grenada. It's super-tacky.

2007-01-08T18:43:00.000-06:00

Hooray for future babies!!!

(No, not mine. Yet.)

Kiss My Grits!

2006-12-11T10:40:00.000-06:00

I'm now employed! As a waitress in a diner! While this was not part of the fantasies I entertained while filling out my grad school application, or writing approximately 500 pages of international relations theory over two years, or applying for tens of thousands of dollars worth of student loans, it is amazing how months upon months of unemployment will lower your standards. I'm actually pretty happy about my new job.

"Doula" is a funny word.

2006-12-04T12:08:00.000-06:00

I just sent in my registration for the post-partum doula training and I'm super-excited. Despite my feelings about not using my expensive and not-exactly-shabby education, I'm really looking forward to starting this process. I think I will make a kick-ass doula. Which is what every new parent is looking for, right? And if this goes as well and is as cool as I think it will be, I'll start the process for birth doula certification in the spring.

When I first mentioned this idea to my parents, my father, who was unfamiliar with the term "doula", was less than supportive, but that's because he thought I was telling him I'd be delivering hippie babies in home births with no medical training or supervision. Once he realized I would not be pulling kids out of anyone's hoo-ha, he thought it was a great idea.

update, blah blah blah

2006-11-28T11:04:00.000-06:00

I'm officially done applying for jobs. I can't open another one of those condescending "Thank you for your interest in our position, however..." letters without completely losing my shit. There's a weekend training session for post-partum doulas in January, and I'm signing up for it. I may or may not sign up for the birth doula session in March. I'm applying for nursing schools, which will necessitate moving back to the Cities, because of the freaking THREE YEAR waiting list at the one community college in Madison. I still want to know who these people are that have the time and fallback options to sit on a waiting list for that long. Most schools in the Cities have waiting lists too, but I don't think they're more than a year or so.

Once I get my RN certification, I plan to get certified as a nurse-midwife, which is another year. The classes are online through the U of M, though, so I can work while doing that. There's still a part of me that is really upset and pissed off that all the work (and money!) I put into my master's degree was wasted, practically speaking, even though I am excited about my new plan. It's hard letting that go.

I've been trying to write a little more. I have a new blog here, and I've got a great idea for a novel, but I'm not convinced I can write it. The boy's got a truly fantastic idea for a graphic novel, but is not convinced he can write it.

We're trying to get out of this little craptacular slump. 2006 should have been our year, but it's been tough. I'm hoping that in another ten years, when I look back on my thirties, it won't look like a string of really bad decisions peppered with a few bright spots. I would like the bright spots to be the primary focus, please.

No matter what, I'll always yell at the TV

2006-10-26T08:47:00.000-05:00

Three months, huh? That's okay, nothing of any interest whatsoever has happened. For all intents and purposes, I've been unemployed for six months. Wheee! I did have the possibility of a dream job tantalizing me for a couple of months, until that dream, like so many others before it, was crushed. I've got an interview for a pretty promising job with the state Division of Public Health. I've got applications in any number of places. And on the back burner, we're holding on to the possibility of moving back to Minneapolis when our lease ends.

I have mixed feelings about this. I absolutely love Madison. Love it. I love the idea of having a kid here and buying a cute little old house on one of the cute little tree-filled streets that Madison is bursting with. It's a beautiful town, big enough to be interesting but small enough that I can't take it seriously when it's referred to as "The City of Madison". But there may not be anything here for me, job-wise.

When we first started discussing the possibility of moving back to the Cities, I was resistant. It felt like defeat. We've both been so adamant about not moving back, about keeping four hours between us and our families. Our car is registered in Wisconsin. We have WI driver's licenses. We registered to vote in WI, largely to express our displeasure with the "Other people's relationships can directly hurt my relationship" gay marriage amendment on the ballot. Also the right-wing tool running for governor.

But the more I've thought about it the better it sounds. It's very unlikely Em will be staying here after she graduates in May, and we really don't have any other friends. Maybe we should work on that.

My parents are moving to Ashland, where Em may also end up, next summer. It's a six-hour drive from Madison and a four-hour drive from the Cities. We absolutely loathe the six-hour drive.

Of course, now that I'm starting to say "Fuck yeah, let's go!", I will probably get a job and we'll stay in Madison. That's okay too.

Anyone seen that handbasket?

2006-07-28T11:44:00.000-05:00

Hideous she-troll and noted idiot Ann Coulter appeared on "Hardball" last night. Responding to questions about her utterly moronic insinuations that Bill Clinton was a closeted homosexual, she admitted that she, in fact, had no basis for such notions, but countered that in any case, Al Gore was "a total fag".

I'm not even going to address the way she clearly believes it's a huge insult to call someone gay, other than to say it's asinine and childish, though use of the slur "fag" in the public media definitely pushes it beyond schoolyard trash-talk. I have two questions: one, why is this creature even given a media platform to spew the hateful garbage that she pulls out of her ass? Her books have been found by neutral parties to be riddled with lies and the worst kind of unresearched, unconfirmed bullshit that she presents as fact, plus she's a goddamn lunatic. The only place she should be doing any public speaking is a trash-strewn street corner with a half-empty bottle of Mad Dog sitting next to her.

My second question is this: how has what passes for political discourse in this country sunken so low that, first of all, Ann Coulter is considered a "political pundit", and, second of all, she's invited back on TV to call political figures fags after calling the 9/11 widows harpies whose husbands were probably about to divorce them anyway? What exactly does she have to say before she loses all credibility? I'm more than happy to talk politics with a reasonable, traditional conservative, I've done it many times, and we rarely agree on much, but none of them has ever called me a godless commie dyke (except Em, but not cause of political differences, that's just her pet name for me). I can respect a true Republican/conservative, even if I don't agree with him or her. But those people are fast losing their habitat (the plains where the conservatives roam free and roll around in their piles of untaxed money!) to the nasty wingnut fringe who resort to horrible personal attacks when their statements are shown to have no basis in logic or facts. It's just disheartening.

Crappy crappity crap crap

2006-07-13T10:44:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so I've now been unemployed since the end of April. I have had several interviews, albeit not for anything I would be particularly ecstatic to get. The people at my dream job, the job on which I had pinned my hopes and prayed daily for an interview, finally sent me the "We received many qualified applicants" letter yesterday. This caused me to spend much of the rest of the day in tears. The jobs that I really want, well, they're not impressed by my M.A.. The admin jobs that I don't really want but am applying for because I need to work--they're impressed by the M.A., so much so that they don't want to demean me by giving me the job because I should really be doing so much better. I am completely fucked. Completely. Right now, the only solution I can think of is to go back to school, AGAIN, but this time for something like nursing, where they're handing out the jobs. I'm really at a loss, and never mind the fact that due to my unemployment, we've already gone through all our wedding money, which makes me slightly ill.

On the other hand, I'm having a creative surge. I'm knitting up a storm to finish a baby blanket for my friend before the baby gets here in August, I'm embellishing a few t-shirts with some punk rock embroidery, and I found a darkroom that I can use for a very cheap fee. I need to start the photography again and rock the multiple exposure, learn how to cut my own mats (properly this time), and get some of my stuff up around Madison. That would make me happy. Kevin wants to do the same thing with his drawings (my husband is talented), and starting a combo zine is not out of the question.

Still, a job for me needs to come up quick, or we'll be working on our zine on the street.

No more sinnin'!

2006-06-13T12:15:00.000-05:00

Well, we did it. We got ourselves legally committed, FOR LIFE. Actually, it's pretty great. The wedding was absolutely beautiful and perfect, we had a great time, and now we don't have to spend all our free time planning, talking, and thinking about every single detail. And now I have a totally hot husband, which is what it's really all about.